She Stood in a Shadowed Doorway

[Robert Davidson]

SHE STOOD IN A SHADOWED DOORWAY

by Robert Davidson

She stood in a shadowed doorway
Awaiting the appointed time of delight
Eyes mocking love as
Lips of lust gleam in a moon-blanched night.

She stood in a shadowed doorway
When I shattered the dark with a light
Claiming a fierce kiss on
The porcelain pallor of a face so white.

She stood in a shadowed doorway
The touch of her body against mine stuns
As our sexes meet
Vaster than explosions of vast suns.

Our lone paths cross, then are blown apart forever
As I got what I wanted, and she her cash did recover.
The scowl of pleasure's lips now scorn me ever
Point down to the pit, mocking this sated lover.

She stood in a shadowed doorway
Her look of reproach unnerves, conceives
A cool challenge while
My lust blew away like dead winter leaves.

[seeksthebalance]

Hey,

I like the idea here but I think you have caused yourself quite a few problems by trying to rhyme.

This is especially the case in the lines:

Our lone paths cross, then are blown apart forever
As I got what I wanted, and she her cash did recover

Here you have a half rhyme that is extremely forced and reverse syntax too! Take a look at the thread on Modern vs Archaic on the Poetry Discussion section of this site. I would try to re-think these lines because what you are saying is interesting.

I did particularly like the last line:

My lust blew away like dead winter leaves.

Keep at it, but you should consider re-writing it without the rhyme.

Seeks.

[cameron]

This is a bit cheesy and old fashioned for my taste.

Cam

ps you are supposed to review at least 1 other poem before posting your own.