Lascivia

[A_Fire_Inside]

I'm new to this site, and poetry forums in general, so i'm not really sure of the reactions i will recieve for my efforts. Though please do be truthful, as even bad criticism can be used for good.

Lascivia

You know the place in the back of your mind?
You should take a trip to mine.
Chrysanthemums of white,
Strewn all over the ground.
The insects, birds and waterfalls,
Sing the softest sounds.
You can listen to the voices,
Of the people’s mellow song.
Love in their hearts, life in their veins,
Joy on the tips of their tongues.
Lounging around in the gardens of smoke,
Indulging in a beautiful haze.
The warmth, the dry, not a cloud in the sky,
The suns’ enchanting rays.
A palace of passion, my walls of wisdom,
Unstoppable here in my blurry kingdom.

I never leave my kingdom,
From my walls, I cannot escape,
This dream just drags me deeper,
As my body begins to drape.
I sometimes like to wonder,
How long this tranquility will last.
Then all my hopes and dreams are shattered,
For then the time comes to pass.



This poem, i wrote about my passion for cannabis. I know not of anyone's opinion on this subject, but i sure would like to find out.

[azathoth]

yes i've been pleasantly trapped in the same place, so i appreciate the emotion or message of the poem. the imagery of the first extended stanza captures the feelings of the vice quite well, although there are a few weak lines which distract from the fuller image. the second stanza dissapoints me however, and not just because of the awkward use of "drape". if anticlimax were you're goal you could have done it better than this, it seems caught between wanting to be stark and shocking or bleak and redundant. i suppose either way the poem is good-you can make it better.

yeah, thats why i quit the stuff, too illusory? the highs kept reminding me of dystopic utopias.
write some more fire

[A_Fire_Inside]

Thanks alot for your reply. I too think that the second stanza is left with alot of room for improvement, though it is quite often that i lose inspiration during the writing of my pieces.

[pseud]

Welcome Fire,

I thought the poem had some good lines, I'd work on saying things a bit edgier, but then the back of my mind is different from yours, it all depends on the tone you'd be going for.

What I liked most was the echoes and sort of half-rhyme you have going. There's no set pattern (as far as I can tell) but with a closer look you see it. Very well done there, I envy anyone who can do that.

I keep doubling back to this kind of stuff though:

Love in their hearts, life in their veins,
Joy on the tips of their tongues.
Lounging around in the gardens of smoke,

I know you address the tranquility in the last couple of lines, but maybe you could describe how your tranquil kingdom is squashed?

Just a thought, see you around.

- Caleb

[seeksthebalance]

Hey Fire,

Welcome to the forum.

I have been in the place you describe here many, many times, so I appreciate where you're coming from. I think you have done a good job of describing this situation in terms of your imagery and language. Another strong point is (as pseud suggests) the use of rhyme in the first stanza: sparing and effective, the echoes remind me of how speech sounds when I'm stoned. I think this stanza is over-punctuated. There is a full stop or comma at the end of every line and I think in some cases there should be none e.g. remove comma from:

You can listen to the voices,
Of the people’s mellow song.

If these are to indicate breath pauses or intentionally breaking up the flow then leave them, otherwise take some out. Remember that a line break will add something of a pause anyway.

The last stanza is disappointing because you lose the delicacy and craft of the lines and rhymes in the first. Also it begins with a very distinct meter which it gradually loses as the staza goes on. Was this a deliberate sense of crumbling that you wanted to achieve? If not I'd consider revising with the meter intact. I agree the word 'drape' seems forced too.

Cheers for posting, I look forward to hearing more of your stuff and revisions of this one. Hope this isn't too harsh.

Seeks.[/quote]

[A_Fire_Inside]

Thankyou for your replies. You're opinions and suggestions have been taken into account with great appreciation.

I'll get round to posting more of my poems.