Cherry Blossom Day

[mesmie]

Cherry blossom covers
slow moving cars,
a white-pink shroud
fit for Sunday washes.

Flowers fall in my hair
their urgency to perform
is tangible, for spring
murders fragile things.

Dressed from low branches
my dashboard resembles
a co-op hearse.
Mr. Smiley dangles,
rudely central.

And as I move
petals celebrate my wake.

[Jasper]

Cherry blossom covers
slow moving cars,.... slow moving. HUH?
a white-pink shroud
fit for Sunday washes.... well hush my mouth: Two churched gatherings here *smirk*)

Flowers in my hair.
Their urgency to perform
tangible, for spring breezes... breezes is awful here (or anywhere, I reckon). Just spring as the line end is fine and dandy.
murder fragile things.... murders

Dressed from low branches ... you mean a fork, don't you? Just an enquiry!
my dashboard resembles
a co-op hearse Mr. Smiley... why no line break/stop after hearse?
dangles, rudely central.

And as I move
I leave petals in my wake.

,,,, haha: never figured you for road rage.

Ok, missy smarty britches, I'll bite the bullet here *smirk*
The is about a PMT rage at the/a Funeral Parlor, I think... mind you too, Mez, it may be closer to wasted ovum at that time of the month too. It's a sort of parlor/procession of both life and death?
Anyway, you slipped on your syntax here (as I do, but always) in places. But as always, like an egg, I enjoy the ride into the fry pan with ya ROFL

[thoke]

Some nice images. Gets a bit obscure after the first three lines. I am enjoying this, but I'd like to understand it better.

Is this a premonition? Spring's not quite here yet.

Ben

[mesmie]

Jasper,

honestly I always wonder what you are gonna reply, I really do! You never fail to make me smile. I have tweaked this a little and yeah my syntax I think is lets say lacking in places..

[mesmie]

Ben,

I have a cherry tree with flowers on in the garden! The seasons have gone potty. Oh if ever a tree bloomed in the wrong season for with a sea breeze bam! they are gone and this happens each and every April.
Mr. Smiley is the air freshener..magnolia scented no less..

cheers for taking a look
mes

[OwenEdwards]

I think "spring murders" may indeed work better; its the anthropomorphication that works. Like this a lot, fragile and pretty.

[bernard]

Hi mesmie,

I like this piece, it's difficult to write about something like this without retreading old paths, but you've largely pulled it off here.

I think the first stanza works well but the second doesn't quite seem right. I don't think 'Flowers in my hair' belongs in a sentence on its own and I'm not sure why you haven't used 'the' before tangible, it needs some kind of qualifier otherwise it's being used as a verb.

I don't know if I completely understand what a 'co-op hearse' is but it seems to be a picture of gaudy colours? Other than that I love the third stanza, especially the bit about Mr Smiley which really brings us into the car and gives the whole poem more personality.

Just my personal taste probably but I think the final couplet might work better without the repetition of 'I'. Maybe something like 'petals trail in my wake' but better than that. 'Petals celebrate my wake'?

Anyway, I enjoyed your poem. Pleasant read, calm and colourful.

Thanks.

[Jasper]

Wot's this? A study Jasper's silly interpretation thingie... Lions and Tigers and Bears - oh my...farts laughing at his silly red shoes too. CILCK CLICK CLICK!

Seriously now, MEZ. I did think it were a bit Flower powerish (with that new car/escape feel) at first. But cars twisted me bloomers a bit
Even thought of going back to future here... a step back leads one in other direction. And Flowers in my (her) hair was a line from a famous Cowsills song (a teen band way back when), The Rain, The Park and Everything. Tis soooo pretty!

Anywhooo, I went the PMT hi/way/weigh lol. But if you want me not to, and then also to anyway, *smirk*, use bug/buggy instead of cars (crows and blooming women do that).


J

A low-branch is a slang also for a low-life here in OZ.... and that confuddled me a bit too!

[Ros]

Really enjoyed this, mes. It's great. My only question would be S3 - I'm not sure why your dashboard would be dress with branches, unless bits of the flowers had got inside the car?

Loved

for spring
murders fragile things.

such a change from spring=new life!

Ros

[ray miller]

Bloomin' good."Spring murders fragile things" is a wonderful line but I don't know in what sense flowers have an urge to perform. I think you could lose the Mr Smiley bit. The last line is very clever, though.

[Basnik]

Hello,

I liked the start with the three stress lines but then 'urgency to perform' seemed too long and then it all got a bit random like blossom falling, I suppose. I can't read a petal poem without Pound's In a Station of the Metro':

The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
Petals on a wet, black bough.

which is so beautiful and tangible that it makes this seem too whimsical. But then what's wrong with whimsical?

Anyway, I like 'spring
murders fragile things'

but then:

'April is the cruellest month...' and another bloody Modernist poet comes and ruins your nice poem for me.

Basnik

[mesmie]

hiya

Many thanks for all of your great replies. You have shown me where this falls down and given me something
to think about.


Cheers

mes