Our Marriage Bowl (Revision One)

[emuse]

Marriage Bowl.jpg (45.26 KiB) Viewed 4497 times

Revision:

Our Marriage Bowl

holds nothing but the white jade
of the moon--the mutton fat
of an earlier life and the skill
it took to carve it.

The mind that made this bowl
once filled it with glistening drops
from willow leaves or was it tears?
Balanced perfection on shaky knees--

carefully carved the joy of two butterflies
hovering above an empty mallow.
You’re tempted to hold it up to the light,
to see your hand in silhouette in back

of it like a black crane. Turn up the lampwick
until everything glows, translucent
as a baby’s caul. Light asks so little
of us. If it’s flawed do not blame the bowl.

Original:


Our Marriage Bowl

is empty. It holds nothing
but the white jade of the moon--
the mutton fat of an earlier life
and the skill it took to carve it.

The mind that made this bowl
once filled it with glistening drops
of willow leaves, or was it tears?
Balanced perfection on shaky knees.

Carefully carved the joyful meeting
of two butterflies hovering
above an empty mallow.
It seems necessary for you

to hold it up to the light.
You're tempted, I know. You want
to see your hand in silhouette
behind it like a black crane,

translucent as baby's caul.
Turn up the lampwick until everything
glows. Light asks so little of us.
If it's flawed do not blame the bowl.

[Lovely]

Beautiful. Xxxxxx.
DJL

[Travis]

Oh yes, this is quite good. Perhaps your best, if such a measurement can be applied.

The first thing I notice is a reticence to use commas. Two instances jump out at me and a third is a definitely maybe.

of willow leavesx or was it tears?

You're temptedx I know. You want

If it's flawedx do not blame the bowl.

Like I said, the third is a bit more iffy.

Moving on, I'm generally not a fan of your poeticisms. This is not an insult, merely a preference. However, you've crafted such a wonderful little world that mutton fat, empty mallows and the baby's caul are working for me entirely. I just wanted you to know that, because at your level I know it can be used as an effective gauge to some degree.

I've nothing else to say, positive or otherwise. Ready to be shipped I think.

[stuartryder]

E, for me it lacks the narrative drive.

And the final two/three lines seem to veer off, they ramble. It was tighter before then.

You might have an apostrophic inconsistency too with the "If it's flawed do not blame the bowl.-' in the last line.

I found this diction quite conventional, Emuse, to be honest.

Stuart

[bernard]

Hi emuse,

I think this is a pretty strong piece. Normally, when I find something I like I focus most on the parts that seem weakest. It's a compliment, trust me! It's not often you see the title as the first line of a poem, I like that but it comes as a bit of a surprise here. Not sure why, maybe just ignore me. Don't know if you need 'it' in the first line, maybe you could stick a comma after empty and change 'it took' to taken or something in L4. Just a pet peeve, don't like too many 'its'!

Drops of willow leaves doesn't work for me, I can't really imagine leaves as drops but getting rid of that poses the problem of finding a word to describe both leaves and tears. I think that could be a key point actually.

I think a comma after knees would help things along but I love the third verse, the last line fits beautifully. There are still quite a few 'its' but I think you get away with mostly.

I stumble a bit between verse three and four. I like the idea of necessity but I don't think it fits with the idea of temptation, you could also probably ditch the 'it' from L16.

I'm not sure why there isn't an 'a' before baby's, you've got one before crane but it wouldn't be too much, I don't think. Might work better rhythmically. Aside from that I love the last verse, the 'caul' and 'bowl' rhyme rounds everything off nicely. I like your sparse use of rhyme throughout this, it's there but almost invisible. Very much enjoyed this poem. Thanks.

[Elphin]

Hi e

The first stanza is an absolute attention grabber - the contrast between moon which is a very lovey word and mutton fat in particular. I think SS might be right, this could be one of your best - it is for me much more raw in its emotion, more immediate than some other pieces which have a certian detachedness (is that a word?).

I would like to make one big observation and a couple of smaller ones.

The biggie is s2 - compared to the others it doesnt deliver much and what it does is borderline sentimental IMO. Also each of the other stanzas has an unusual reference - mutton fat, mallow, black crane, lampwick, caul that make this stanza weak in contrast. The first line of the stanza is just fine but Id like to see you go straight to the butterflies - something like

The mind that made this bowl
carefully carved the joy
of two butterflies meeting
above an empty mallow.

I played a little with the butterfly line - one of my smaller observations.

Another small one - do you think you need jade, would white work on its own. It seems more in line wth mutton fat and mallow but its a minor point.

I love the last stanza - its very direct compared to your normal style and very effective.

If it's flawed do not blame the bowl. - exactly.

A job well done

elph

[ray miller]

First stanza is great,the mutton fat of an earlier life and the skill it took to carve it -those are such good lines but the rest doesn't match them, for me anyway.As someone else pointed out, the second stanza is the weakest, things are interesting again at the end from "I know you're tempted..." but then you set such a high standard, I suppose!

[Travis]

I don't think the second stanza is weak at all. If anything, the final stanza is the weakest, save for "Light asks so little of us". But even then, it's not weak per se.

[emuse]

Beautiful. Xxxxxx.
DJLLovely
Persistent Poster

Lovely, well thank you lovely....lovey.

SS, no reticence to use commas, just absent minded. I’ll take two commas and a side of chips please Thanks for your honest answer. I’m so very pleased that this one caused a stir and you thought enough to comment. I hope I never write inside the box—I consider myself constantly evolving as we all do. I see my poems one day leaping tall buildings in a single bound—oh that’s superman. Well anyway, you know what I mean [wink].

Hi Stuart,

I’m sorry this didn’t spin you wagon and I thank you for taking the time to read. I had a great time writing it after reading “spring essence”, the poems of Ho Xuan Hurong, a 19th century courtesan. What a treat.

I will look at those lines you mention closely once I have amassed all the feedback. I’m workshopping this tomorrow at a live reading.

Hi Bernard,

Greetings and thank you! I like your idea of taking out the “it” and changing to “taken”. I will see how to make that flow. I know about pet peeves. I have them with conjunctions and pronouns.

I may change the drops of willows to drops from willows. This is a tricky line which needs TLC. I agree that it is a key point. I put an “a” in before baby’s. Thank you. Your comments very helpful to this poet.

Dear Elph,

How lucky I am to have your thoughts on this piece. It’s very interesting that you say that the emotion comes through on this. For me the emotions are tamped down and so I am actually excited to know that the suppressed emotion bubbles up because of course this poem is about the failure of marriage.

Regarding S2, I am uncertain about the tears line. Most advise me to keep it, one suggested putting it in parenthesis. Tomorrow I’m going to workshop with three keen-eyed women at a nearby park. I am hoping to receive confirmation from them on your and other suggestions so I will be able to have all the viewpoints I can gather and then decide. I have to be watchful in a poem as sparse as this that I don’t pare it down beyond its essence. I think I’m going to read that bit outloud and see how it feels. Haven’t done that yet.

Also do you think “mind that made this bowl” is good or should I say “hands that made this bowl”?

Yes I think I need jade.

Thank you so much for your thoughts. You know how much your detailed crit helps me. I hope to post a revision next week.

Hi Ray,

Thank you for another viewpoint on that second stanza and for the close read.

Cheers all and much appreciated.

e

[Elphin]

hi e

I think its the tears and shaky knees that are most problematic in s2. You are right about paring it down too much - I wonder if you could do something about the tears and knees?

My vote is for mind - I think it takes it away from the literal making of the bowl to the mind that made the marriage.

Tamped down emotion works best every time - its there and its bubbling.

elph

[emuse]

Hi Elph,

What is your objection to the knees?

I can understand the tears to some extent. But not understanding your thoughts on

balanced perfection on shaky knees.

This is one of the pivot points of the poem.

A student of carving must balance and any slight of hand can ruin a piece--
so too with a marriage.

e

[El Wow!]

a pretty bowl, and prettier vese, despite its sad overtones.
El

[Jasper]

I must ask if the author if he/she considers the poem effective without the graphic?
My answer is that in it's current state, No, it wouldn't (IMO)

But if you flirt and enjamb your syntax a little more, it might and well!

regards
J

[emuse]

Dear El Wow, Glad to hear from you and to know the emotion came through. Thank you!

Hello J,

I hadn't considered the poem needed a footnote since you can find marriage bowl or wedding bowl on the internet. I usually google something when I'm not familiar unless the poem itself contains unfamiliar language which might require a note for reference. In this case, the poem will be used as part of an audio/visual tour at the Pacific Asia Museum in Pasadena so when the museum guest dials the appropriate assigned number on their cell, they will get this poem when viewing the bowl in the Chinese ceramics wing. I agree a good poem should stand on its own and I'll certainly think about your suggestion for changing the format. Thank you.

Cheers.

e

[emuse]

Here is the actual bowl by the way. I couldn't get a great picture of it but for me, the one in the museum is so luminous and that's what inspired me!

Marriage Bowl Resized.jpg (25.08 KiB) Viewed 4279 times

[Jasper]

Am glad you considered my nit, E...thank you!

You seem to have relied on the objective (the graphic) to permit the subjective/personal to be relayed across to your reader from L4, S3 on....or maybe I should say, moreso?


Our Marriage Bowl

is empty. It holds nothing
but the white jade of the moon--
the mutton fat of an earlier life
and the skill it took to carve it. ...these lines stand alone as the entire grit/gist of the piece for me as a jade/d moon permits the image of both white (innocence) and green (envy). Mind you I don't think you need white here as jade (apart from being a jilt/or sharp edged) is green/white, so is the moon (white) and mutton fat (which also turns green when it's off/rotten, and (potential) brides come in white and green too - now don't they lol?
Bowl is a clever word too with all the right literal connotations ... like to pitch. That, is empty. It in L1 though, needs to go IMO.

I'm also wondering how lunar jade/celestial jade/jaded crescent would work rather than white jade of the moon... they get pretty out of this world these marriage things: or so I've heard.

thanks again,E.

J

[emuse]

I have actually revised the first strophe but hadn't placed it yet.

Something like this:

Our Marriage Bowl

holds nothing but the white jade
of the moon--the mutton fat
of an earlier life and the skill
it took to carve it.

Be back for more of your thoughts. I'm rushing to the workshop where I'll share this and hopefully meld the ideas together into a slight revision.

Thanks for coming back J.

e

[Holly_Golightly]

This is really well written. I used to study archaeology so completely emphathise with drawing inspiration from simple or well crafted objects. I love the symbolism in this poem. Would love to give more constructive feedback but I can't really find anything I would change! So hopefully adulation will suffice

[emuse]

Hello Holly (Golightly) I love your name!

Thanks for the kind words. Yes there is much inspiration in both crafted and raw materials. I don't know I think I am so hooked on writing ekphrastic works. It's such a pleasure. I'm very glad you enjoyed. Still a work in progress.

e

[emuse]

I've taken another stab at this. I'm supposed to turn in a semifinal version by tomorrow. Have I cut too much?

Thanks to all and especially to SS and Elph for their keen comments.

e

[stuartryder]

I've taken another stab at this. I'm supposed to turn in a semifinal version by tomorrow. Have I cut too much?

Thanks to all and especially to SS and Elph for their keen comments.

e

I prefer the revision. What is a mallow, by the way?

Cheers

Stuart

[emuse]

Thanks Stuart for coming back! A mallow is a type of fruit that was sometimes used in the design of marriage bowls or wedding bowls.

Cheers.

E

p.s.

here is a pic of a mallow bloom.

mallow1.jpg (16.63 KiB) Viewed 4133 times