The sentinal

[Aryys]

hi i'd like to know what you guys think of a poem that i am writing at the moment, and i want some constructive criticism please, i would welcome all opinions, still nice comments are also appreciated

the watchman sat upon the shore
and gazed into the sky
seated on his weathered throne
he watched the seagulls fly

silent for an age and more
upon his throne he slept
the sea it crashed up to his feet
and silence still he kept

the rain it beat upon his brow
the snow fell on his head
the kings did not attend his halls
and men looked on with dread

he saw at last what he had saught
since he sat upon the shore
flames licked up around his eyes
he had need wait no more

his face all aflame
a mane of orange and red
his brothers of old took up the call
the soldiers armed, the townsfolk fled

the beacons shone o'er the coast
warned of approaching danger
the old stone tower upon the shore
a solitary ranger

[cameron]

Hi Matt and welcome to the forum.

This sounds rather old fashioned to my ears, especially 'o'er' which is an outdated poetic technique. Have you been reading The Rime of the Ancient Mariner? You manage the meter and rhyme pretty well but personally I'd rather see something more contemporary.

Cheers
Cam

[Aryys]

thanks cam,

yes i know it's a bit of a dated technique, and i shall try a more contempory style for my next effort, as i said i am after some constructive criticism it's better in my mind to be told what i could do to improve. point duly noted

thanks again

[Derek]

I liked the poem. it did for me all that was needed. To improve you need only write more poems and your master piece will come. The reader decides which is your master piece, this poem could be someone's master piece. I do not think a poem is about keeping up to these times, the past got us here, use it where you choose to use it. We all like different things, different poems for different people. You write how you feel and that is all you can do. Poetry is not about being complicated, you lose an audience. I write what i write and if it is simple then it means i can also enjoy my own poems. Stuttering through a clever poem is not for me but it is for many.

[Derek]

aryys put another of your poems on the site. I have been looking to see if you have anymore but i do not see any. Do it now.

[dillingworth]

i'm afraid i agree with cam - this is too archaic to be effective. that said you're making use of good imagery and if this is put to use in a less old-fashioned-sounding poem it'd be much better.