Who turned the light out, I have not seen enough?
Where was I hiding and why feel so rough?
Don't turn away now, i do not know the way,
Where is your voice now, has it nothing to say?
Who will tell my father that mother does not know?
Weak at the chin as I know I must go,
So much is over and I may never grow,
Give me a daydream to walk through the snow,
So much confusion as I think of my home,
Strong is the tree but weak is the poem,
What have I done to this page without ink?
I am on the twelth line and i still can not think,
Where it was summer the winter has come,
Millions of snowflakes see what I've become,
Commitment is over and i have no choice,
But to sing my way back home, just me and my voice.
Waking with leaves
I liked this one much more than your last, the rhyming seemed much less generic to me (something judged highly subjectively, I realize). Also liked the exploration of all the meanings of "leaves."
- Caleb
- Caleb
Thank you for reading and commenting. I no longer use capitals for my titles and I no longer leave on the time or date of the poem. I also read my poems out loud now. I'm learning and i feel better for it.
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dillingworth
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 455
- Joined: Wed Aug 17, 2005 2:53 pm
- Location: Oxford, UK
Sorry but I disagree with Pseud - I think your use of rhyme makes your own statement worryingly poignant.I am on the twelth line and i still can not think
yes dill but you have to admit, rarely do we have a confession within the poem to point to.
at least give Derek that.
Something to consider, Derek: maybe writing out a poem in a draft like this, reading it through once as you already do, but then asking yourself how much of this stays on subject. I've found that especially in my rhyming stuff, I tend to go off track a little too much. Simply writing the first thing to come to mind may not be best. Because of this, I'd say the finer couplets in this poem, in my opinion, are:
So much is over and I may never grow,
Give me a daydream to walk through the snow,
Where it was summer the winter has come,
Millions of snowflakes see what I've become,
Commitment is over and i have no choice,
But to sing my way back home, just me and my voice.
Glad to have you stay. More often than not, there'll be a controversy with someone just trying this site out and then we'll never hear from them again.
- Caleb
at least give Derek that. Something to consider, Derek: maybe writing out a poem in a draft like this, reading it through once as you already do, but then asking yourself how much of this stays on subject. I've found that especially in my rhyming stuff, I tend to go off track a little too much. Simply writing the first thing to come to mind may not be best. Because of this, I'd say the finer couplets in this poem, in my opinion, are:
So much is over and I may never grow,
Give me a daydream to walk through the snow,
Where it was summer the winter has come,
Millions of snowflakes see what I've become,
Commitment is over and i have no choice,
But to sing my way back home, just me and my voice.
Glad to have you stay. More often than not, there'll be a controversy with someone just trying this site out and then we'll never hear from them again.
- Caleb
Thanks. I am wanting to learn things, I am a little slow at learning but that is not a bad thing. I can understand why people leave and people who stay can understand why people stay. Comments will always bring more comments and that is why they are always good. Being mean is one thing, helping a poet or a fellow human is everything. If you are not inspired by a poet it does not mean its rubbish. Some of the comments are confusing, poetry and art in themselves. What you have said makes a lot of sense. I understand you and I can listen and try your suggestions.
I enjoy my daily visits to the site. Thank you for your help.
I enjoy my daily visits to the site. Thank you for your help.
Hi Derek, Sproutman here this is my first day and i will be posting some of my own forms of poetry and take inspiration from your words. I like your poem and find it very revealing, autobiographical and structured. It reveals what kind of person you are and is personal to the point where it reveals your hopes, fears and solutions to a particular connundrum in your life. The best kind of poetry is when it comes from the heart and is not too cryptic. Yours is just that. ORIGINALITY COMES FROM BEING YOURSELF.
I have not been here long but welcome to the site.
Possibly the best name on the site. Thanks for your comments.
I am looking forward to your posts. I am pleased you can read into my poetry.
Possibly the best name on the site. Thanks for your comments.
I am looking forward to your posts. I am pleased you can read into my poetry.
i thought this poem had some really powerful undertones and an accomplished and natural use of symbology and rhyme, however i wasn't all that keen on the third verse i'm afraid, sorry to say derek but i read the poem as being sttronger if the third verse isn't included.
please please please know that this is just how i felt about the poem and whilst i am entitled to an opinion, the poetry comes from you and you alone, and i can't find anything wrong with it at all, i just think it works for me better without that verse
please please please know that this is just how i felt about the poem and whilst i am entitled to an opinion, the poetry comes from you and you alone, and i can't find anything wrong with it at all, i just think it works for me better without that verse
"Reality is a myth, albeit a very persistant one"
Derek, I like the ways that your poems seem to be totally from your own experiences. There are elements that most readers are able to relate to.
One thing that intrigues me, and I might well be reading too much into it, it seems that when you relate something that you think perhaps you ought to be able to deal with more positively but don't, you use a lower case"i" rather than a capital.."i don't know the way"..."i still cannot think"..
"i have no choice". Whether this is inentional or not, I actually think it is quite a clever device, sometimes we are centre stage and don't really want to be at that point?
Just a thought,
Sue
One thing that intrigues me, and I might well be reading too much into it, it seems that when you relate something that you think perhaps you ought to be able to deal with more positively but don't, you use a lower case"i" rather than a capital.."i don't know the way"..."i still cannot think"..
"i have no choice". Whether this is inentional or not, I actually think it is quite a clever device, sometimes we are centre stage and don't really want to be at that point?
Just a thought,
Sue
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Robert Davidson
- Posts: 20
- Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 6:19 am
- Location: Melbourne Australia
[b]
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Often we are lost in a labyrinthine wilderness and cannot find our way, except as you say by intuitively following our own individual voice. And that surely is the way of most poets. I've enjoyed reading your poem immensely.
Robert Davidson.[/b]
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Often we are lost in a labyrinthine wilderness and cannot find our way, except as you say by intuitively following our own individual voice. And that surely is the way of most poets. I've enjoyed reading your poem immensely.
Robert Davidson.[/b]
Thank you for all of your comments. They make me think, that is what poets do. An artist can finish something and once it is done and no longer their own they may want it back to change it, other artists feel they could do more or less with it to make it better too.
On this site, comments are wanted and that is why the poems are on this site, so you can all say what you like, it is not offensive as long as you as not just saying someones poetry is rubbish because you don't understand it as many other readers will understand it. There is proof on this site, all individual opinions. So you don't have to say, please don't worry about being offensive if you do not like the third verse. I like people liking and not liking lines or a verse in a poem. I only wrote it in as that is how a lot of poets get, they feel lost with their own poem and then it all comes back so I wrote it in. A weak line can bring on a strong line or verse and sometimes a whole poem. If we were all sat together in a room then we could discuss a poem without sounding offensive but typing a commen, thought, opinion on a site may look or read bad.
I personally like reading comment on all of the poems. They would make a good read if they were all published in a book.
Thank you all once again.
On this site, comments are wanted and that is why the poems are on this site, so you can all say what you like, it is not offensive as long as you as not just saying someones poetry is rubbish because you don't understand it as many other readers will understand it. There is proof on this site, all individual opinions. So you don't have to say, please don't worry about being offensive if you do not like the third verse. I like people liking and not liking lines or a verse in a poem. I only wrote it in as that is how a lot of poets get, they feel lost with their own poem and then it all comes back so I wrote it in. A weak line can bring on a strong line or verse and sometimes a whole poem. If we were all sat together in a room then we could discuss a poem without sounding offensive but typing a commen, thought, opinion on a site may look or read bad.
I personally like reading comment on all of the poems. They would make a good read if they were all published in a book.
Thank you all once again.