Dead and Buried

[Asbo1]

Listen up,
I can't tell you my name for legal purposes coz I'm a convicted felon
Looking at 15 years inside mate, I'm only 27
Brief says could get it knocked to eleven
And maybe make parole after reduced sentence
But things ain't looking good for me back at the Scrubs
Already caught up in a whirlwind of violence and drugs
I came into this with my eyes closed looking a mug
Came in as a man now its turning me out as a thug

I've chibbed 2 inmates already
One of them's dead
The others close to recovery now he's after my head
There's nothing I can do coz I made my bed
Now I'm just gonna have to lie in it
And watch where I tread

I made a mistake and I know that now
I'm only in here coz I thought somehow what I was doing was right -
When I loaded up that shotgun and attempted to end that man's life
Well what the hell would you do if you were in my position
Find out your sister has been beaten into submission
By her own boyfriend on the floor of her own kitchen
Then violently raped by him just to tell her to stop bitching
Yeh, you'd do the exact same as me
Play God with a sawn off and cap him in his knee
But his balls off if you had the opportunity
Chop his dick in half and leave him with only an inch to pee

But just to find out it was all in vain
Coz your dumb bitch of a sister got back together with him again
They're engaged to get married
Think I'm going insane contemplating a life in prison
Where I'm gonna remain
I'm dead and buried

[azathoth]

way to be nitty gritty keepin it gully
yeah, the patois lends it some colorful color...
all around clever of ya i bet u can freestyle somethin wicked

honestly

i'm sorry if it sounds pretentious or some shit but i can't see this poetry as much more than funny but immature. maybe its cuz im jealous of the obvious ease with which you compose your work but the excuse im gonna give is that it isnt very complex involved or original beyond some manneristic style. whatever, keep it up, but id like to see some kind of departure from this style personally, it feels...cliche. but then maybe all poetry is, with varying degrees of loquacious and metrical veneer over that cliche, i dunno.

etc.

[Asbo1]

"Keepin' it gully"...Sounds like you from the States there fella.Respect n props always due to any hiphop heads over there cos you boys have been holiding it down since day one.1977 n all that.

I read with interest your comments.Agree with them too for the most part. Where does my departure need to be from, style or content?

PEACE

[azathoth]

i would have said both, but reading your other work my opinion is just in style, for you do have plenty good topics.

[Robert Davidson]

Yes, you're right, imprisonment does dehumanise rather than reform. And summary justice like you've described can rebound on the doer. But a very thoughtful and entertaining poem.

Robert Davidson.