12.47 a.m. 15th Feb 2005
There is a part of me that will not give,
Perhaps the reason why i live,
My life has been a shock to me,
My penniless life until i was free,
I smiled at all the lookers on,
They stared and left me one by one,
My wounds were not for them to see,
My rejected smile waited for me,
I could not walk or crawl so i ran,
Knew i couldn't stop running to be the best that i can,
My reading and writing and spelling are shite,
I don't understand grammer but damn i can write,
Some times i am good and sometimes i am not,
Sometimes i am great and sometimes forgot,
The me they all see is the real part of me,
Driven by the blizzard that can not weather me.
Not quite one
BOO-YAH.Is right, Derek lad.
Bold and direct.Spot on.
I was thinking Derek (I do it occasionally, thinking that is) maybe you would like to sometimes try stretching your rhyme scheme.This poem is perfect the way it is but sometimes it can be fun and worthwhile to play about a bit.
I don't mean throw rhymes in for rhymes sake but I like to see how far I can bounce an idea off of my last word or whatever.Sometimes, the best times, you find that stretching it this way has actually opened up the thought behind the line and brought more detail to the surface.
Maybe the easiest way is to keep saying it out loud and if you can talk it smoothly, and coherently then it is working.Don't worry too much about how it looks on a page.Just write how you talk mate.
There are no rules to poetry Derek.Those that think there are spend far too long worrying and obsessive over details in their ivory towers.They need to shake the dust out of their beards and get on with life.
Peace.Asbo1
Bold and direct.Spot on.
I was thinking Derek (I do it occasionally, thinking that is) maybe you would like to sometimes try stretching your rhyme scheme.This poem is perfect the way it is but sometimes it can be fun and worthwhile to play about a bit.
I don't mean throw rhymes in for rhymes sake but I like to see how far I can bounce an idea off of my last word or whatever.Sometimes, the best times, you find that stretching it this way has actually opened up the thought behind the line and brought more detail to the surface.
Maybe the easiest way is to keep saying it out loud and if you can talk it smoothly, and coherently then it is working.Don't worry too much about how it looks on a page.Just write how you talk mate.
There are no rules to poetry Derek.Those that think there are spend far too long worrying and obsessive over details in their ivory towers.They need to shake the dust out of their beards and get on with life.
Peace.Asbo1
God told me to!
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emmaobrien05
- Posts: 6
- Joined: Mon Sep 19, 2005 3:36 pm
Beautifully said. Good consructive criticism.
Thank you. I have just sat and read my poetry out to myself over and over again. It seemed to give them life. I have now filled the room with thoughts and i feel a comfort like I've not felt before. I enjoy writing and i will try out any suggestions. I am off to read others poets poems out loud now in my whole new world. Cheers again.
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Robert Davidson
- Posts: 20
- Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 6:19 am
- Location: Melbourne Australia
Derek,
Most of us are divided selves in a sense that where a part of us seems to bound forward, and yet at the same time, we feel something is holding us back. And it's worse when we feel it's one step forward and two steps back. But your poem was an intelligent read.
Robert Davidson.
Most of us are divided selves in a sense that where a part of us seems to bound forward, and yet at the same time, we feel something is holding us back. And it's worse when we feel it's one step forward and two steps back. But your poem was an intelligent read.
Robert Davidson.