Sight

[a. gray]

Receiver of daylights and strange fragments(
erased by evening); blade to prick the neck
of hollows with their general ideas
; girlhands that wind Erato's hair with gems:
I offer you my widest open space
to burn projections, dissipate the black
-ened shapes wingbeating thought - grotesquities
that hover, strip the rose's memory -
You steal the sky! drown birds in puddles. I
attend the festival and funeral
of days, the Sun is naked as a pearl,
unbodied as regret, mad as a fly --
I question your sincerity, vision,
past rays of childishness; your allusions.

.

[Danté]

Hi

I thought some of the language to be enjoyable, if a little confusing in places in terms
of how the poem actually delivers.
I found the formatting interesting but found little purpose in it other than that, mostly in respect
of the line breaks and placement of punctuation.
I still wouldn't bet a week's wages that I've totally grasped the subject as you might have intended
in the allusions towards the narator and personified subject which seem to contradict or maybe just
stretch the logic a little too far. Quite a flashy piece in terms of the wording, but I found myself
wanting to get a little more clarity from the crux of the poem.
Obviously feel free to disregard, as it might be a case of my readings not delivering to me
and not the actual poem.

all the best

Danté

[thoke]

Fairly enjoyable read, but I don't see any reason for the weird line breaks and weird punctuation. Or the parenthesis. You've gone for weird language and weird form at the same time. It's all a bit weird. I don't get it.

Ben

[brianedwards]

I don't think the language is weird at all. In fact, if anything, I think the language is too straight.

It's an interesting conceit, challenging the authenticity of one's own sight. Quite zen-ish, in a way. And it seems to me you are challenging the reader's sight through visual technique, forcing the reader to engage with the visual aesthetics of the poem in order to construct its meaning. Ambitious. And ultimately let down, (in my opinion) by too much restraint. The poem relies too much on simile and description, for me, and whilst aspiring to abstract poetics actually has one foot firmly rooted in conventional discourse.

All of this is just my take on it of course, one reader. I should mention that I actually like what you are working with quite a lot.

When I think of experimentation with line breaks and punctuation, I naturally think of cummings and with that in mind, I'd like to see you push the visuals further. Use more of the page, think about how the readers eye will pass through your poem. And I definitely think you should nix those similes for the sun.

I've had a little play, as much for my own enjoyment as anything else, but hopefully it might give you some ideas.

Receiver of day-
lights and strange frag-m(e)nts(
erased by evening);
blade to prick the neck
of
hollows with their gen-
eral i-
deas
;
girl
hands
that
wind E
r
a
t
o's hair with gems : I
offer you my widest open space
to burn pro-
jections, dis(s)i-pate the



black
-ened shapes wing beat ing

thought - grotesquities that hover, strip the rose's memory -

You steal the sky! drown birds in puddles! ! I
attend the festival and funeral
of days,;
I question:: your sin-
cerity,

vision,

past rays of childishness; your allus(ions.

Fun for me.

Cheers

B.



(Oh! I actually added a lot of tabs but none of them have shown up! Damn! Will have another play. . . . .)

[a. gray]

Hello all,

thanks for your comments.

Brian, I really appreciate the time you must have spent playing around with this. Believe it or not, it's meant to be a sonnet! One of my first so I imagine the meter's a bit off in places but I think I got the arms and legs in the right place.

What I like most about these forums is that you put something on and at the very least people echo your own doubts about the piece and now and again, someone sparks off a really great idea for moving forward. So thanks for that. You're right, I think: I'm someone who's on the borderline between experimentation and convention. What I need to do is take the plunge, s*^t or get off the pot, as it were!

I really like what you've done with it, though. Puts me to shame!

[brianedwards]

Well, I didn't notice the sonnet, other then the 14 lines!!

Yes, meter is off in places. Will think on this some more. Sonnets are a form I've never mastered, so I respect your efforts.

B.

[David]

As a useful (I hope) alternative to what's been said already, or at least as a piece of devil's advocacy, I didn't like the messing about with the punctuation at the start, although Brian has explained convincingly why you might have done it.

On the other hand - now you've pointed it out! - I can see it does cleverly comply with sonnetary requirements without being slavish about it, so that's quite neat.

What it means, though - there you have me.

Allusions?

Cheers

David

[a. gray]

Hi David,

thanks for having a look.

I like sonnets that don't announce themselves too ceremoniously, so that's what I've gone for here. As for the punctuation and stuff, Brian has offered an explanation that is satisfactory in its own way, though not consciously intended.

The point behind it, in my mind, is to illustrate a conflict between the serious and the playful, which is the real point of the poem. Hence the messed-up sonnet. I had each line capitalised to begin with but scrapped that idea. I decided to personify sight as a mischievous prankster whose motives are at odds with mine; I'd like to get serious but he won't let me! He has the world, he has the sky etc and I want him to paint my canvas with understanding but he's got other ideas.

What are the allusions of sight? That's what I'd like to know. We can find our mouths without our eyes, many creatures (sea creatures and stuff) have poor vision and are able to adapt. Maybe the point of vision is to feed our dreams, but what are the point of our dreams? I don't pretend to have these answers, the poem is only a search for answers. Maybe people want certainty from their poets, I would give it if I could!