Yellow has never lived in you.
A blaze of petals
are withering to ash in your shadow
and the moon shows them up:
two cracks, running down
from the fluted neck to that round,
insistent stomach, that may split you
half-wise, like an egg.
..........................Spill your prize.
I'll stand you up
against each heartbreaking sky to fill
with only the ghosts of flowers.
Leave you out
to catch the coins of summer, in winter
every wind will play its old tune
on your emptiness.
.
Vase for Daffodils
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Sharra
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I enjoyed reading this, you have some great images there. I especially liked
For me, the first stanza is the weakest, I'm not sure about the opening line at all, it feels a bit strident compared to the reset of the poem. It also raised questions as to why the vase had never been used before, and made me also begin to wonder whether we could call cut flowers living somewhere, as we're actually just delaying them dying. Could just be me but it distracted me.
I wonder if it would be better to be less passive and say A blaze of petals / wither to ash instead - I think this would tighten it up.
Thanks for the read
Sharra
x
andround,
insistent stomach, that may split you
half-wise, like an egg.
and I thought the ending worked well.the ghosts of flowers
For me, the first stanza is the weakest, I'm not sure about the opening line at all, it feels a bit strident compared to the reset of the poem. It also raised questions as to why the vase had never been used before, and made me also begin to wonder whether we could call cut flowers living somewhere, as we're actually just delaying them dying. Could just be me but it distracted me.
I wonder if it would be better to be less passive and say A blaze of petals / wither to ash instead - I think this would tighten it up.
Thanks for the read
Sharra
x
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits
petal that love waits
Daffodils in the title, eh? That's raising the stakes a bit.
Is "A blaze of petals" not a singular noun, in effect?
"Half-wise" is an interesting choice. Meaning "in half"?
Leave you out
to catch the coins of summer, in winter
every wind will play its old tune
on your emptiness.
I think that's quite lovely.
I still have problems with some of the details. For instance, I can't make out what L1 means - "Yellow has never lived in you" ... meaning the vase has never actually held any daffodils?
If you could tease out some of the obscurer parts (obscure to me, anyway), this would be very good. As it is, it's merely good, but that's not a bad merely to be.
Cheers
David
P.S. Drafted before I read Sharra's response.
Is "A blaze of petals" not a singular noun, in effect?
"Half-wise" is an interesting choice. Meaning "in half"?
Leave you out
to catch the coins of summer, in winter
every wind will play its old tune
on your emptiness.
I think that's quite lovely.
I still have problems with some of the details. For instance, I can't make out what L1 means - "Yellow has never lived in you" ... meaning the vase has never actually held any daffodils?
If you could tease out some of the obscurer parts (obscure to me, anyway), this would be very good. As it is, it's merely good, but that's not a bad merely to be.
Cheers
David
P.S. Drafted before I read Sharra's response.
Hi David and Sharra,
thanks for the responses.
The first line has clearly caused problems. The vase has held daffodils in the past, though obviously they were cut-flowers, so not living.
A gruesome decoration, when you think about it. That's really the 'point' of the poem as I intended it.
Blaze is a singular, but then petals are plural so I'd need the 'are' there.
'Half-wise' means in half but I liked the suggestion, at least, of another meaning.
I won't say too much more about my intentions, hopefully someone might have something else to add.
Thanks for taking a look.
thanks for the responses.
The first line has clearly caused problems. The vase has held daffodils in the past, though obviously they were cut-flowers, so not living.
A gruesome decoration, when you think about it. That's really the 'point' of the poem as I intended it.
Blaze is a singular, but then petals are plural so I'd need the 'are' there.
'Half-wise' means in half but I liked the suggestion, at least, of another meaning.
I won't say too much more about my intentions, hopefully someone might have something else to add.
Thanks for taking a look.
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thoke
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I think this is great except for the inclusion of two over-long and over-used words: 'heartbreaking' and 'emptiness'. The last line is a disappointing finish and the heartbreaking sky image is a bit confusing and unwelcome. Apart from that, I like this.
Ben
Ben
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brianedwards
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Is the inclusion of Daffodils in the title important to your trope? I think Vase is more than enough to anchor the content of this interesting poem.
each heartbreaking sky
this line gave me most trouble, not only because of that over-used 3 syllable cliche, but also because I struggle to get at the intended meaning of "each". Amazing how one word, one often insignificant grammatical word, can become a spinning plate on a poem's tip.
Whether intended or not, reading this poem as an extended metaphor related to child birth, makes for a quite satisfying experience. Thanks.
B.
each heartbreaking sky
this line gave me most trouble, not only because of that over-used 3 syllable cliche, but also because I struggle to get at the intended meaning of "each". Amazing how one word, one often insignificant grammatical word, can become a spinning plate on a poem's tip.
Whether intended or not, reading this poem as an extended metaphor related to child birth, makes for a quite satisfying experience. Thanks.
B.
