You’ll never be as smart as you
want-need-have to be.
When you know the matter is splattered
Is fact;
Then you know the feeling of half-shattered
effects of the
Once and for all latent defects, that obscure
brighter mornings, lay low ones desires,
Alight vacant feelings
allow ones pariahs, aloft and aloof,
To parade such indignities on ones
Cracking roof, slip-sliding that
Sparrow twig-leg grip, you have on it all.
When You Know
A really interesting, and moving, poem. I think it's nicely measured, the pieces fit well, and it's compact enough to draw me in, and to convey the brutality of the realisation, without being too dense. I love lines 7 and 8 especially. Just a few details:
- Line 2 - "need" and "have" mean the same thing. I like the hyphen but what about just "want-need".
- Generally, not sure why some of the lines begin with capital letters.
- Line 9 - not sure what this means - "alight" is a bit ambiguous, or rather, nebulous. Ambiguity is OK but for me there has to be a point to it - a clear two or three meanings, rather than just an unclear meaning as this seems to be. So I'd rethink that.
- Line 10 - "pariahs" sounds great with "desires", but I'm not sure how much sense it makes. A pariah is one downtrodden: pariahs don't parade indignities on people, at least I don't think they do. I guess they could if they followed you around in polite company.
- Last line is quite difficult to grasp, but I like it as it is. It makes poetic sense, which is something I'd snort at it if you said it to me, but there you go. It's a great stuttering, uncertain, fragile conclusion.
Overall the poem makes lovely use of sound. Lots of fricatives - efs and esses that slide through the teeth drily, and lots of curt, barbed tees, if you see what I mean. It adds up to something very sad, and very good.
- Line 2 - "need" and "have" mean the same thing. I like the hyphen but what about just "want-need".
- Generally, not sure why some of the lines begin with capital letters.
- Line 9 - not sure what this means - "alight" is a bit ambiguous, or rather, nebulous. Ambiguity is OK but for me there has to be a point to it - a clear two or three meanings, rather than just an unclear meaning as this seems to be. So I'd rethink that.
- Line 10 - "pariahs" sounds great with "desires", but I'm not sure how much sense it makes. A pariah is one downtrodden: pariahs don't parade indignities on people, at least I don't think they do. I guess they could if they followed you around in polite company.
- Last line is quite difficult to grasp, but I like it as it is. It makes poetic sense, which is something I'd snort at it if you said it to me, but there you go. It's a great stuttering, uncertain, fragile conclusion.
Overall the poem makes lovely use of sound. Lots of fricatives - efs and esses that slide through the teeth drily, and lots of curt, barbed tees, if you see what I mean. It adds up to something very sad, and very good.
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camus
- Perspicacious Poster
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KJ,
I admire your critiques. I tend to write using poetic techniques more from my subconscious (intuitvely) than from knowledge. Sometimes it works sometimes not. Its a frustrating way to go on and critiques such as yours certainly help outline aspects that I'd perhaps be unaware of.
Generally I agree with your statements for this poem. The Capitals were part slackness part drunkeness on my behalf. As for the Pariah, It certainly wasn't used for rhyme sake, I try to avoid that at all costs. I guess my interpretation of pariah was the negative aspects of ones life, the parts you would normally reject coming to the forefront taking over. Iffy perhaps.
anyway thanks for your input.
Keith, I was quite pissed. Still haven't shaken off the Holiday spirit, literally.
cheers
Kris
I admire your critiques. I tend to write using poetic techniques more from my subconscious (intuitvely) than from knowledge. Sometimes it works sometimes not. Its a frustrating way to go on and critiques such as yours certainly help outline aspects that I'd perhaps be unaware of.
Generally I agree with your statements for this poem. The Capitals were part slackness part drunkeness on my behalf. As for the Pariah, It certainly wasn't used for rhyme sake, I try to avoid that at all costs. I guess my interpretation of pariah was the negative aspects of ones life, the parts you would normally reject coming to the forefront taking over. Iffy perhaps.
anyway thanks for your input.
Keith, I was quite pissed. Still haven't shaken off the Holiday spirit, literally.
cheers
Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
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BlueForAQuarter
- Posts: 41
- Joined: Wed Sep 07, 2005 1:01 am
- Location: Boston
- Contact:
I like the "want-need-have." Have and need have different connotations even if similar meanings, plus I like the three beats. The sound is more effective using all three words.
I like the language a lot, and the images, though I'm not so sure about the line breaks. They seem like thinly veiled attempts to make it sound more cool-poetic, kind of like how Iggy Pop would record in poor quality to make his music sound cool-unpolished. Usually that kind of thing works well for what you write, but I think in this one it takes away from the words and imagery... seems a bit forced.
I like the language a lot, and the images, though I'm not so sure about the line breaks. They seem like thinly veiled attempts to make it sound more cool-poetic, kind of like how Iggy Pop would record in poor quality to make his music sound cool-unpolished. Usually that kind of thing works well for what you write, but I think in this one it takes away from the words and imagery... seems a bit forced.