Hi Arcadian,
I really enjoyed that. Love the imagery, particularly liked
Barely awake, eyes see
stirring in the fire
a war-dance of hungry fire-demons;
with red faces and yellow striped masks
pulsating in a circle to beat of tom-toms.
Sleep steps in the fray
with armaments of heavy gravity
and a soft eider-down sleeping bag,
to usurp victory right from the demons nose
Excellent. Keep it up.
Rach
.
Hi Rach,
thanks for the feedback
what i tried to show in this is with sleep deprivation and hunger - the mind plays funny games - you start to see things ...maybe this is good for writing
and one way to have an active imagination and get that manuscript completed on time ...
though i wouldnt recommend it - LOL
cheers
Arco
thanks for the feedback
what i tried to show in this is with sleep deprivation and hunger - the mind plays funny games - you start to see things ...maybe this is good for writing
and one way to have an active imagination and get that manuscript completed on time ...
though i wouldnt recommend it - LOL
cheers
Arco
- unchained soul
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Hi Arco,
You're welcome. Yeah the brain is a very strange and powerful thing. Dont worry I wont be depriving myself of sleep though just to improve my poetry. hehehe.
Rach
You're welcome. Yeah the brain is a very strange and powerful thing. Dont worry I wont be depriving myself of sleep though just to improve my poetry. hehehe.
Rach
- BlueForAQuarter
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I like this a lot. I went camping quite a bit as a child, so this brings back some fond memories.
One thing... could "Sleep steps in the fray" be better with "into" instead of "in"?
Otherwise, very excellent. Nice job.
One thing... could "Sleep steps in the fray" be better with "into" instead of "in"?
Otherwise, very excellent. Nice job.
- BlueForAQuarter
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Thanks Cade
BFAQ
I forgot to mention in the poem there is a: " Cynghanedd Sain" - I wasnt aware of this until it was pointed out by a friend
I was reading about the 24 Welsh forms recently and was thinking about these patterns not realising i had one in there.
Arco
I forgot to mention in the poem there is a: " Cynghanedd Sain" - I wasnt aware of this until it was pointed out by a friend
I was reading about the 24 Welsh forms recently and was thinking about these patterns not realising i had one in there.
Arco
Arco -
Nice job here, as the others have said as well. The third person view is detached and a good set up.
I wonder, though, if it wouldn't work a little better to have hunger and sleep as players "stepping into the fray?"
Oh - and let me just preface this next comment with, I know its a crappy critique - but the number of demons threw me off. I couldn't tell if it was intentional or accidental. Are there many hungry fire demons, or just one like at the end?
Be well,
Caleb
Nice job here, as the others have said as well. The third person view is detached and a good set up.
I wonder, though, if it wouldn't work a little better to have hunger and sleep as players "stepping into the fray?"
Oh - and let me just preface this next comment with, I know its a crappy critique - but the number of demons threw me off. I couldn't tell if it was intentional or accidental. Are there many hungry fire demons, or just one like at the end?
Be well,
Caleb
- BlueForAQuarter
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I know nothing about Welsh forms. I feel lucky I remember the little bit I do from high school...
I'll have to do some reading on it.
I'll have to do some reading on it.