Your Heart Like a Winter Night

[Robert Davidson]

‘YOUR HEART LIKE A WINTER NIGHT.’

By Robert Davidson.

You passed me by
Didn’t speak, didn’t smile
Going off with an angry head toss
You left me ‘neath the cold moon light
Your heart like a winter night.

I phoned to you
Write letters, no reply
Take back those words unkind, I implore.
You turned from me in bitter spite
Your heart like a winter night.

I’ve lost it all
Love gone, so alone
I’m torn to shreds, my heart is mocked
You’ve left me such a sorry sight
Your heart like a winter night.

Now at death’s door
Shadows fall o’er my heart
Take back those words unkind, I beseech
I fake a laugh, I speak in fright
Your heart like a winter night.

[BlueForAQuarter]

"Your heart like a winter night." sounds pretty. Otherwise, the rhythm could use some tinkering. Also, I think "wrote letters" would be better.

[Bombadil]

RD,

Have you posted comment on any other posts save your own? Just curious.

-B.

[k-j]

Sorry, but there's never a place for stuff like "Shadows fall o’er my heart / Take back those words unkind, I beseech". No one wants to sound like their great great great great great grandfather. It just sounds ridiculous. Your signature seems to be at least one crashing cliche in every piece - "death’s door" - and when combined with the self-pitying, maudlin tone, the result is a really cringeworthy piece of writing. Maybe it's supposed to be a song lyric, but that doesn't change the fact that it's stunningly boring and unoriginal. Perhaps I'm being overly harsh on account of my having ploughed through what seems like dozens of similarly hackneyed efforts by yourself, while noticing that you provide only negligible constructive criticism of other poems (a head-pat here and there).

I'm baffled as to why you post so much on this forum, since you don't seem interested in giving or receiving crticism. If it's a showcase you want, try your local paper - they'll print anything. Just my opinion, natch.

[cameron]

Hey Bob,

kj's analysis of your poem is spot on: it's terribly old fashioned, cliched and cheesey. (As are most of the other ones you post.) Can I suggest that you try reading some modern poetry? Ideally start around the 20th century and then move forward. Alternatively, look out of your window and attempt to write something about modern Australia.

C