Laura

[Divina]

rev.


You want to be
six years old again,

begin your journeys
right now

crying, laughing
it doesn't matter--

such a quiet night
the stars tremble

in your voice.
Let me hold you

as we greet summer
together. Look how

the leaves sparkle
against the sky.



---




You want to be
six years old again,

begin your journeys
right now

crying, laughing
it doesn't matter--

such a quiet night
the stars tremble

in your voice.
We greet summer

together. Look how
the leaves sparkle

against the sky.



--

[El Wow!]

This was quite beautiuful

El

[Helen Bywater]

You want to be
six years old again,

begin your journeys
right now

crying, laughing
it doesn't matter--

such a quiet night
the stars tremble

in your voice.
We greet summer

together. Look how
the leaves sparkle

against the sky.



--

Hi Divina,

This is intriguing. I want to know more about Laura. You say she wants to be six years old again. My guess is that's she's old - "the stars tremble in your voice" could be the quavering voice of an old woman. I'm not sure if that's what you meant, though.

Helen

[Divina]

My two children, aged 13 and 21 do inspire me.
This is about my eldest child. I enjoy our relationship.

Thank you both for your comments.


Maria

[Sharra]

I thought this was lovely - you've packed such a lot into so few words. I epecially liked
such a quiet night / the stars tremble / in your voice - its a great image.
Just one thing, as it is so pared down, I did wonder if you needed

crying, laughing
it doesn't matter--

Just a thought

Sharra
xx

[Divina]

I think you may have a point, Sharra,
thanks a lot. I'll take that into consideration.


Best regards,
Maria

[David]

It's interesting that this is for your two (relatively) young children, Maria, as I - like Helen - thought it seemed to be addressed to an older person, perhaps one approaching or settling into a second childhood. And I thought it worked very nicely in that sense.

Readers, eh?

Cheers

David

[Lovely]

Loved your thoughts to, MJ though?

lx

[Divina]

Hi David

Thanks for reading and commenting. I didn't intend the poem to be about a second childhood.
Rather it's about growing up and having to face problems/reality/challenges. I have a very close
relaationship with my daughter and we talk a lot together. I see your point though and understand
that I need to make it clearer somehow that the poem is about my daughter. I will be working on it.
Thank you.


Thanks, lovely, for reading and liking.

My best
Maria

[David]

Reading the poem again with your explanation in front of me, I can see that it works, Maria. If you can just stop that other interpretation kicking in - and I don't have any suggestions to help with that at the moment, I'm afraid - this will be a beautiful finished product.

At the moment it's just beautiful, but that's fine. Beautiful is good.

Cheers

David

[Basnik]

Hi,

if you are using a road / journey metaphor why not use that to suggest the age. Crossroads come to mind but that might be a bit cliched, or a Frostian fork?

I like its sparse form

Rich - Basnik

[Divina]

Thank you David and Basnik.

I've made some slight edits.
I hope the poem is a bit clearer now.


Thanks so much for taking the time read and comment.


Maria

[David]

The edits don't make much difference to the way I read it, Maria, but if it works for you, who am I to argue?

I still like it.

Cheers

David

[Divina]

You are right, David, the poem is working for me only. I do appreciate you reading again and am happy you still like it.


My best
Maria