The Hard Man

[brianedwards]

The Hard Man

1.
He tried to cry last night
but couldn't break the banks of sand
behind his eyes.

He attempted a sonnet
but the English language
hitched up its frock
[tab][/tab][tab][/tab]and fled.

Harp-strings severed fingertips;
a rose between the teeth got stuck.
Doves and bluebirds pecked
his tongue and when he tried

to fling a serenade
at some lonely maiden's balcony
it hit a wall of apathy
and showered him in glass.

2.
Once, he caught a butterfly
or rather it caught him:
landed on his open palm
as he pressed the sky for rain.
Hands cupped around its frail form
he felt the throb of struggle,
imagined that his hands were an egg
or better yet a planet.
Cradling that threadbare life
he felt the force of gravity
the weight of a universe
resting on his knuckles

and certain that the butterfly had died
he opened up his hands and was surprised.









~

[Helen Bywater]

The Hard Man

1.
He tried to cry last night
but couldn't break the banks of sand
behind his eyes.

He attempted a sonnet
but the English language
hitched up its frock
[tab][/tab][tab][/tab]and fled.

Harp-strings severed fingertips;
a rose between the teeth got stuck.
Doves and bluebirds pecked
his tongue and when he tried

to fling a serenade
at some lonely maiden's balcony
it hit a wall of apathy
and showered him in glass.

2.
Once, he caught a butterfly
or rather it caught him:
landed on his open palm
as he pressed the sky for rain.
Hands cupped around its frail form
he felt the throb of struggle,
imagined that his hands were an egg
or better yet a planet.
Cradling that threadbare life
he felt the force of gravity
the weight of a universe
resting on his knuckles

and certain that the butterfly had died
he opened up his hands and was surprised.









~

Hi Brian,

I like this a lot. Part 1 S2 made me chuckle. I also enjoyed the image of the rose stuck between his teeth, and the idea of flinging a serenade. I'm less sure about the banks of sand behind his eyes. I can see why you'd pick that - the story of the Sandman, and perhaps the effects of the sands of time. I sort of like the idea, but I'm not so keen on the image. What about flood barriers?

Part 2 is lovely. Like the butterfly, it has delicacy and substance. I'm not sure what "he pressed the sky for rain" means, but I like the sound of it.

Helen

[BenJohnson]

Overall I liked this one. My only nit is

it hit a wall of apathy
and showered him in glass.

Isn't that a mixed metaphor?

[Sharra]

Hi Brian
I enjoyed this, but unusually I can pick out some places that I could suggest some changes.
In S4 – I would tend to lose the ‘and showered him in glass’ I really liked the wall of apathy but think that is enough of an image on its own.

I think you have some great images in section 2 but it doesn’t feel as tight as your usual offerings. I really liked ‘he pressed the sky for rain’ it felt there was a lot of meaning there was waiting to be discovered.

Hands cupped around its frail form
he felt the throb of struggle,
imagined that his hands were an egg
or better yet a planet.

felt a bit cluttered. I’m not sure if you need the last 2 lines of those 4. Or maybe you do but all 4 just need tightening...
Also I felt ‘cradling that threadbare life’ was maybe too much, I think that may be implied by the rest of what you’re saying.

Sharra
x

[David]

The "banks of sand" image didn't really work for me either, but I could be missing something crucial.

I like the prissy English language. (That sounds like something I could put on a T shirt.)

The butterfly image seemed surprisingly sentimental, but I think that might just work in context.

He doesn't seem like a very hard man to me. I suspect the title is ironic.

You made me stop and think again, Brian.

Cheers

David

[BenJohnson]

I have been racking my brain to think what this reminds me of, I think it is the style which reminds me of Brian Patten. I disagree with David it does give me the feeling of a hard man, not internally but externally. Very much the British culture of hide your feelings and then the inability to express them when you really want to.

[Elphin]

Brian

I struggled to get past the first stanza but once I did the rest is a good read. I partic like the sonnet verse and also the serenade one. So in 1. I am wondering why you need the first verse which telegraphs what follows and in a way that is not consistent with the sonnet and serenade theme.

elph

[brianedwards]

Thanks for all the input.

Unusually for me, this one was posted with the ink still wet, so yes, probably lots of areas that can be worked on some more. I'll let it sit a couple more days and then look at a rewrite.

Cheers.

B.

~

[ray miller]

I didn't like wall of apathy, think you need something concrete to be hitting. Loved the idea of pressing the sky for rain.Do you really need to be numbering the sections?