The life you have

[Ros]

Go dance upon the beach
while the waves still dare
to drag around your thighs,

the wind to surge
across your shoulders in the swell
of seagull and of storm.

Eat ices by the breaker
before vanilla turns to beige,
the shade of old folk’s coats,

till you fade to institution yellow,
dissolve to the invisible
like ricepaper in rain.

[BenJohnson]

S2 sounds wrong to me, should it be 'and the wind surges...' ? I'm also not convinced by S3 though I like the 'shade of old folk's coats'. S1 and S4 are spot on I think you could almost hack S2 and S3 without losing anything.

Go dance upon the beach
while the waves still dare
to drag around your thighs,

before you fade to institution yellow,
dissolve to the invisible
like ricepaper in rain.

Well not quite maybe but the thoughts seem to be stated twice, doing young things, before you get old.

[ray miller]

I loved the opening stanza. Think you just need to add "and" before the wind and lose "of" before storm.

I like the last 6 lines, I'd have "and" in preference to "till". It's a shame there isn't a more natural flow after "turns to beige" but I think it's a very good poem.

[Ros]

Thanks, Ben, Ray. I had a lot of trouble getting the ending to flow - so far this is as good as it gets. The wind is supposed to be linked back to the dare, 'the waves still dare to drag, the wind to surge' - I think grammatically that works, but maybe not?

[BenJohnson]

I realised that it is supposed to link back to the dare, but when reading I don't find that it does, too much space including a stanza break in between for me to carry the linkage that far

[David]

The wind is supposed to be linked back to the dare, 'the waves still dare to drag, the wind to surge' - I think grammatically that works, but maybe not?

Yep, it works all right, grammatically and dramatically. (See what I did there?)

Another good one, Ros. I don't think there's repetition - only amplification.

Cheers

David

[Ros]

grammatically and dramatically. (See what I did there?)

erm, rhyme?

Thanks, David. Glad you enjoyed it. Older people need repetition, and amplification. Sometimes you have to say everything twice, and louder. Did I mention louder?

[Helen Bywater]

Good poem, Ros.

I thought

"dare
to drag around your thighs,

the wind to surge"

linked together quite smoothly - it's only one line from "to drag" to "to surge", but perhaps it would work better as two stanzas.

Helen

[stuartryder]

grammatically and dramatically. (See what I did there?)

erm, rhyme?

Thanks, David. Glad you enjoyed it. Older people need repetition, and amplification. Sometimes you have to say everything twice, and louder. Did I mention louder?

Dealing with old people

Louder and prouder
feed them on chowder
soft like moss
a side of cos

Give them a wash
then leave them to forget
themselves, and the names
of all the flowers in the garden.

[Ros]

Thanks, Helen, glad you think the join works.

Stuart, my point entirely. The shade of old folks' coats. Should be a bang, never a fade. Fade is bad.

[Lovely]

Ros you will not age with poetry and image like this.

"With age comes wisdom if we get it right"---keats.

Thanks for this............. and so much more to....

Amore...

L x

[Elphin]

Ros

I enjoyed this - it has a real carpe diem feel to it and I think the combination of old folks and seasides works very well.

Only one comment and this may just be me - the opening statements Go and Eat are very instructional in tone and this is reinforced by an certain urgency in the rhythm partic in s1. I think you may lose that beat and the vibrancy in a couple of places e.g. in s2 l2 and with the long word institutional.

s2 I think you cold break differently to retain the beat

the wind to surge across
your shoulders in the swell
of seagull and of storm.

I dont have a solution to institutional other than to lose it, but I wouldnt necessarily advocate that. I would look at a couple of insertions to keep the beat

till you fade to yellow,
and dissolve to the invisible
like ricepaper in the rain.

I have talked a lot about beat because I think this poem leans heavily on that aspect to achieve the strong impact that it has. However its not my speciality subject - I would be very interested in Davids take on these thoughts.

Good stuff

elph

[David]

I have talked a lot about beat because I think this poem leans heavily on that aspect to achieve the strong impact that it has. However its not my speciality subject - I would be very interested in Davids take on these thoughts.

By jingo. I'm flattered. I think it works as it is. I agree there appear to be more beats in the final stanza, and there's a slight slowing, but you could argue that that's appropriate to the content. I certainly don't think it goes limp at the end. (Oh oh, that's just asking for trouble ...)

[Ros]

Elph, thanks for spending time on this. I like your ideas about s2; I think the beat would work better that way. I spent ages trying to find another way of saying institutional - that particular colour they used to paint hospitals and schools, a sort of limey yellow.

David - treading carefully round your comments - you think the higher number of beats works ok in the last stanza? I think I need to do more rhythmical pieces, think more about metre.

[Lovely]

I so love these steps.............


L