Schrödinger's Hat

[Ros]

The quantum world cannot tell us
when it is appropriate
to assume the dignity
of a hat-wearer
and when to run bareheaded
through the rain.

The probability is that
in spite of the storm
you should not have worn
that baseball cap
to her uncle’s funeral.
These things turn

on the spin of an electron -
like the flick of a scowl on her face
as she saw you run,
dripping, down the nave.
Your chances have collapsed.
The only waveform left
is her hand, raised in farewell.

minor edits to remove break before last line and extraneous commas

[BenJohnson]

I like the play on Schroedinger's Cat. For me your style of blending science with everyday life works perfectly here. Even for someone who knows nothing of quantum physics I would imagine there is still plenty of story to enjoy. There is also a flavour of wry humour which appeals to me. In all a clever piece with light hand. No crits.

[David]

Like Ben, I like this a lot. Unlike Ben, I do have nits. (Hmm. That may have come out slightly wrong.)

I like the tone in which you start this, and I don't think you need the comic effect (I nearly said the cheap comic effect) of the baseball cap.

No doubt there are all sorts of clever sciency referernces here, but that finish -

The only waveform left

is her hand, raised in farewell -

seems practically perfect to me, with or without 'em.

Cheers

David

[ray miller]

Shouldn't that be Schrodinger? I thought this was great, made me laugh. However, having posted a poem last week describing how I inadvertently wore a hat throughout a funeral, I begin to wonder if there isn't a new parlour game afoot to which I'm not privy.Or are you just taking the piss, Ros? No amount of riches would induce me to wear a baseball cap.

[Ros]

Thanks, Ben for the lack of nits... unfortunately David seems infested. I'm not sure how to write this without the comic relief - baseball cap is a bit cliched, i suppose. Not sure how to change it, though. Ray, I think you are right about Schrodinger. Glad it made you laugh. I assure you it's not a conspiracy about hats. What sort did you wear?

[stuartryder]

My only challenge on this, Ros, is the last line. It seems to be trying to carry more weight than it currently can, stuck as it is out on a limb after three equally-weighted stanzas.

Light-handed but well weighted, though.

Cheers

Stuart

[Ros]

You're probably right, Stuart, but I had a line left that I needed to say

[stuartryder]

You're probably right, Stuart, but I had a line left that I needed to say

Heheh... I challenge you to challenge yourself to work that line back into its family group.

Cheers

Stu

[brianedwards]

Thoroughly enjoyed Ros. Do you need the commas either side of "bareheaded"? As I usually understand it, anything appearing between commas can be removed from the sentence without affecting the overall meaning. I don't think that is the case here, as bareheadedness seems too important.
Also agree that the last line needn't be out on its own like that. The stanza break on "turn" works well, but the break on "left" seems like it's there to maintain a 6 line stanza.

Schroedinger = Schrödinger?

B.

~

[ray miller]

What sort of hat did I wear? I wear a trilby hat at all times, even in bed, which probably accounts for my stiff neck and general lopsidedness.

[David]

Come on girl, embrace your inner umlaut.

[Ros]

Come on girl, embrace your inner umlaut.

ök, David.

I'll try running the last line intö the rest. I'm still nöt sure what, if anything, tö dö aböut the baseball cap.

[Helen Bywater]

Hi Ros,

For what it's worth, I didn't really understand David's objection to the baseball cap, as it's the whole reason why "she" was annoyed and waved farewell. If you got rid of it, what could you put in its place? The poem worked for me.

Helen

[Ros]

Thanks, Helen. I suppose it's just not very original - but, as you say, I need something objectional to happen!

[sandpiper]

I really like this. For me, it's a very thought stirring poem.

Just a couple things to suggest here.

he probability is that
in spite of the storm
you should not have worn
that baseball cap
to her uncle’s funeral.
These things turn

The introduction of "her uncle's funeral" threw me as I'm
not sure who the people are but uncertain as to if I need to.

on the spin of an electron -
like the flick of a scowl on her face
as she saw you run,
dripping, down the nave.
Your chances have collapsed.
The only waveform left
is her hand, raised in farewell.

This last stanza, just wondered if you need a comma after "dripping"

First stanza is very strong. Really I see little here that needs revision.

[Ros]

Thanks, sandpiper, good of you to read.

but uncertain as to if I need to

well, uncertainty is rather the point!

[sandpiper]

I'm still not sure what you mean. I think because "she"
wasn't introduced in the first stanza, or the Uncle ,
that it's a generalization. Thanks.

[Ros]

Sorry, sandpiper, I was being facetious. I don't actually introduce anyone, including the 'you', until the second verse, so I didn't feel it would be at all confusing.

[sandpiper]

I'm not getting off to a very good start here am I? ha ha.
I'm so confused now I don't even know what I was asking!

Thanks.

[gpierre]

I'm still trying to get a handle on this; would it not be more fitting, with respect to the title, for us not to know what happened at the funeral?

I enjoyed very much all the same,

The only waveform left

I like particularly.

G

[Ros]

Sandpiper, that will happen a lot round here.

Gpierre,thanks - I suppose the point is that once certain actions have taken place, there's no uncertainty left.

[BenJohnson]

I'm still trying to get a handle on this; would it not be more fitting, with respect to the title, for us not to know what happened at the funeral?

I enjoyed very much all the same,

The only waveform left

I like particularly.

G

No the point is as soon as we observe what happened at the funeral we determine the result

[oranggunung]

Hi Ros

I enjoyed the physical references scattered amongst the commentary. I think the ending is particularly clever. My main problem with the poem is its title.

Schroedinger (the new version of German, relieving the rest of the European countries with the awkwardness of the umlaut) was a very clever chap. He came up with a publicly-digestible version of the quantum paradox. However, the hypothetical cat was never actually visible. The conundrum was knowing whether or not it had died, but not being able to see it. In this poem, the hat is painfully obvious (to some). Similarly, the cat was contained, rather than a container (like the hat). These discrepancies trouble me.

I wondered if Heisenberg's Hat might be an alternative name for the poem. This references the uncertainty that was mentioned earlier in the thread. The uncertainty principle proposed that one might know the position or energy (velocity) of a very small particle, but not both. As the presence of the hat was so obvious, perhaps its energy, or the repercussions of its presence, might be immeasurable. To my mind, that fits the analogy better, even if the pun is more remote.

Sorry to pour water on the general hilarity


og

[Mic]

I was just about to suggest Heisenberg's Hat too! How mad is that?

Mic

[Ros]

Og, Mic, thanks, good points. I thought Schrodinger because the moment the outcome is known, the waveform has collapsed - so as soon as she sees the behaviour, the outcome becomes fixed. But you're right, the hat and cat don't match very well. Do you think the idea of Heisenberg would still fit with the idea of a waveform collapsing to one outcome?

I can't believe I'm writing this in a poetry forum! But I'm pleased that I can.