Stranded

[figure eight]

Hey Camus

Great imagery. I’m impressed with the many beautiful ways you’ve found to describe something that most people would only see as being sad or repulsive

a monument with the saddest
eyes

and

gorged old corset bones protruding
through resisting hide

are truly great lines that I’m sure I’ll remember for a long time. Ok love-in over to avoid the scorn of the mods.

I wondered why you separated the last three lines. I felt that the poem worked well on it’s own and the last few lines were just a little too explicit (not the swearing I’ve no problem with that) about your feelings for the people involved. I think it comes across very well within the first part how you feel and works without the last three lines. Again this is just my opinion. I’ve never really been taught how I should analyse/criticise a poem and have only started writing myself recently so if you like them: keep them. It’s your poem and I think people should write for themselves as well but I would however be interested to hear why you separated them and your reason for them in the first place.

Also I’m surprised no-one has commented about this poem so far. I think it’s one of the best I’ve seen on the boards in a while.

F8

[camus]

Thanks F8,

I guess the last stanza represents the guilt we often feel in hindsight. Its basically the fear of the unknown, attack or accept.

As you correctly observed it was a departure from the poem, my own thoughts, narrative I suppose, hence I separated the lines.

As with many poems we read on here, final lines are often corny, or irrelevant or shit. Maybe I incorporated all three! I'll ponder that.

thanks for your input.

cheers
Kris

[pseud]

lest i sound too much like an echo, let's make this brief...

The locals shocked at their own savagery!

They said they needed the soap
Filthy little bastards.

nay sir...not corny, irrelevant or shit. It's what you call telly.

Loved the rhyme of the rest. Some of my favorite here.

- Caleb

[Minstrel]

Great poem Camus, for me one of the best on this site. Beached whales are like dead beings from an alien world suddenly lumped onto our doorstep. Although I do think they are 'fair game' for the vultures. Like a lot of apprentice poets on this site I dont feel qualified to criticise in the negative, I only see the big picture. This poem paints a beautiful one.

D.

[Bombadil]

I now have my other hand back...something I may not need for this post but hey...you never know.

I think I'm more inclined to agree with your unspoken comment, Kris. You got lucky with this one. I don't think it is one of your best--I like it, and it made me chuckle but I think, (and I think you do too) that this one just happened.

I do love the cynicism. But it's "too cynical to be brilliant."

Cheers,

K.

[camus]

Well,

I took more time with the revisions, Italicising and what not, than I did on the poem, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Thanks for your comments guys.