A rough pine
She'd been warned north country twilight
played tricks, turned stumps became
the prowling rogues of ancient tales,
darkness shifted alluringly,
transforming objects before open eyes.
A musty wood haze settled in pockets
as the rain soaked forest muted her footsteps,
she felt she was being followed:
Laced her boots, confident she'd find
an aged pine, gnarly and twisted,
a perfect balance of prickly tipped branches,
lines reflecting a life exposed
to rugged elements, to capture
on her clean, white paper.
At dusk, swallowed by shadows,
she shouldn't have come alone.
Disoriented, slammed against a tree,
her paintbox opened with ease, tight latch
still holding, hinges gripping damp earth,
pigments slipped into underbrush as if hiding.
She lay on wet ground, a mature pine
above her, limbs sprawled consuming
the last taste of sunlight.
A nearby copse stood unflinching
like a group of obedient choir boys,
as if waiting for further instructions.
She told herself she was not afraid.
tweaked S3
"She had been naive." removed
...
original-Rough pine
She'd been warned north country twilight
played tricks, turned stumps became
the prowling rogues of ancient tales,
darkness shifted in the alluring light
transforming objects before open eyes.
A musty wood haze settled in pockets
as the rain soaked forest muted her footsteps,
she felt she was being followed.
She'd laced her boots, confident in her quest
to find an aged pine, gnarly and twisted,
a perfect balance of prickly tipped branches.
She'd sought lines reflecting a life exposed
to rugged elements, she'd capture it
on her clean, white paper.
At dusk, she was swallowed by shadows,
she shouldn't have come alone.
Disoriented, slammed against a tree,
her paintbox opened with ease, tight latch
still holding, hinges gripping damp earth,
pigments slipped into underbrush as if hiding.
She had been naive.
She lay on wet ground, a mature pine
above her, limbs sprawled consuming
the last taste of sunlight.
A nearby copse stood unflinching
like a group of obedient choir boys
as if waiting for further instructions.
She told herself she was not afraid.
. . . .
Aesthetic to aged
Removed "control . . . physical"
.
A rough pine -edit
-
ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7451
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
I liked the first verse though it's a shame you've twilight and light in such approximity.I'd have "transforming objects before your very eyes" 'cause that's what witches do. I thought 2nd verse was great.
An aesthetic pine? And the title is Rough pine. Not sure about that.I don't think aesthetic is the right word.
pigments slipped into underbrush as if hiding to avoid the next show of control over the physical.That doesn't make a whole lotta sense to me.
Maybe the choirboys should be waiting on something more specific than "further instructions"?
An aesthetic pine? And the title is Rough pine. Not sure about that.I don't think aesthetic is the right word.
pigments slipped into underbrush as if hiding to avoid the next show of control over the physical.That doesn't make a whole lotta sense to me.
Maybe the choirboys should be waiting on something more specific than "further instructions"?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
-
Suzanne
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- Posts: 4902
- Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
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- Location: Land of the Midnight Sun
Thanks Ray, i have had such trouble with this one! And then i've looked so hard that I can't see it any more. i appreciate your comments, they give me some direction. I will tweak this quickly. thanks again, Suzanne
Suzanne,
The choir boy is the best image in this.
I almost wanted it at the beginning.
I think this is just great but have some suggestions for you. Let me know if I go into too much depth,
or not enough. I think the #1 thing I see in this
is "she" is overdone and there are lines that
just tell the reader so much instead of allowing
the conclusion to be drawn from the read.
Here's what I see that could help strengthen
this poem: I stumbled on "turned" in L2 thinking
you meant that as verb, instead of modifier,
small things like that became more evident
on second read but sometimes placing the modifier
after the noun is a little trick to help that smoothness.
She'd been warned north country twilight
played tricks, [turned] stumps(,)(turned) became
[the prowling] rogues of ancient tales,
darkness shifted in the [alluring] light
transforming objects before [open] (their) eyes.
A musty wood haze settled in(to) pockets
as the rain soaked forest muted her footsteps,
she felt she was being followed[.](:)
[She'd](L) laced her boots, confident [in her quest[
to find an aged pine, gnarly and twisted,
a perfect balance of prickly tipped branches.
She'd sought lines reflecting a life exposed
to [rugged] (the) elements, [she'd] capture it
on her clean, white paper.
At dusk, [she was] swallowed by shadows,
she shouldn't have come alone.
Disoriented, slammed against a tree,
her paintbox opened with ease, tight latch
still holding, hinges gripping damp earth,
pigments slipped into underbrush as if hiding.
[She had been naive.]
She lay on wet ground, a mature pine
above her, limbs sprawled consuming
the last taste of sunlight.
A nearby copse stood unflinching
like a group of obedient choir boys
as if waiting for further instructions.
[She told herself] she was not afraid.
The choir boy is the best image in this.
I almost wanted it at the beginning.
I think this is just great but have some suggestions for you. Let me know if I go into too much depth,
or not enough. I think the #1 thing I see in this
is "she" is overdone and there are lines that
just tell the reader so much instead of allowing
the conclusion to be drawn from the read.
Here's what I see that could help strengthen
this poem: I stumbled on "turned" in L2 thinking
you meant that as verb, instead of modifier,
small things like that became more evident
on second read but sometimes placing the modifier
after the noun is a little trick to help that smoothness.
She'd been warned north country twilight
played tricks, [turned] stumps(,)(turned) became
[the prowling] rogues of ancient tales,
darkness shifted in the [alluring] light
transforming objects before [open] (their) eyes.
A musty wood haze settled in(to) pockets
as the rain soaked forest muted her footsteps,
she felt she was being followed[.](:)
[She'd](L) laced her boots, confident [in her quest[
to find an aged pine, gnarly and twisted,
a perfect balance of prickly tipped branches.
She'd sought lines reflecting a life exposed
to [rugged] (the) elements, [she'd] capture it
on her clean, white paper.
At dusk, [she was] swallowed by shadows,
she shouldn't have come alone.
Disoriented, slammed against a tree,
her paintbox opened with ease, tight latch
still holding, hinges gripping damp earth,
pigments slipped into underbrush as if hiding.
[She had been naive.]
She lay on wet ground, a mature pine
above her, limbs sprawled consuming
the last taste of sunlight.
A nearby copse stood unflinching
like a group of obedient choir boys
as if waiting for further instructions.
[She told herself] she was not afraid.
K
-
Suzanne
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 4902
- Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Land of the Midnight Sun
Sandpiper,
Welcome. That was an excellent crit and, well, feel free to go back and crit all my stuff! It was very helpful.
I have taken many of your suggestions.
I am working on the telly nature of ... me. lol. I appreciated everything that you said.
The two lines "she was naive" and the "She told herself..." I have kept as they were, for now anyways...
"She was not afraid" and "she told herself she was not afraid" are two very different statements.
Very good guidance. Thank you.
Warmly,
Suzanne
Welcome. That was an excellent crit and, well, feel free to go back and crit all my stuff! It was very helpful.
I have taken many of your suggestions.
I am working on the telly nature of ... me. lol. I appreciated everything that you said.
The two lines "she was naive" and the "She told herself..." I have kept as they were, for now anyways...
"She was not afraid" and "she told herself she was not afraid" are two very different statements.
Very good guidance. Thank you.
Warmly,
Suzanne
-
Helen Bywater
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 154
- Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 6:29 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Brighton and Hove, England
I like this very much, Suzanne. I think it's getting there. Your changes have improved it on the whole, but there are a couple of things that seem wrong to me in this stanza:
Laced her boots, confident to find
an aged pine, gnarly and twisted,
a perfect balance of prickly tipped branches,
she'd sought lines reflecting a life exposed
to rugged elements, capture it
on her clean, white paper.
Should it be "confident to find"? Do people say that? I know I say "confident of finding". It sounds a bit odd to me.
In pruning L5, you seem to have lost sight of the grammatical sense. The second "she'd" that preceded "capture" was "she would", not "she had", like the one before "sought". To make sense it needs to be "she'd seek lines".
I agree with you about keeping the last line as it is, but I don't think you need "She had been naive" as well. It's implied by the last line.
Helen
Laced her boots, confident to find
an aged pine, gnarly and twisted,
a perfect balance of prickly tipped branches,
she'd sought lines reflecting a life exposed
to rugged elements, capture it
on her clean, white paper.
Should it be "confident to find"? Do people say that? I know I say "confident of finding". It sounds a bit odd to me.
In pruning L5, you seem to have lost sight of the grammatical sense. The second "she'd" that preceded "capture" was "she would", not "she had", like the one before "sought". To make sense it needs to be "she'd seek lines".
I agree with you about keeping the last line as it is, but I don't think you need "She had been naive" as well. It's implied by the last line.
Helen
Perplexing Poster
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Helen Bywater
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 154
- Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 6:29 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Brighton and Hove, England
Yes. S3's much improved.
Perplexing Poster
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ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7451
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
I liked "turned stumps" in the original, I thought it hinted at something magical or sinister.I don't think you need a comma between clean and white.
I find the stanza beginning Disoriented.... quite difficult, I'm not sure what you're intending to say.Otherwise it's much improved. Good.
I find the stanza beginning Disoriented.... quite difficult, I'm not sure what you're intending to say.Otherwise it's much improved. Good.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Lovely, Suzanne. I don't have time for more just at the moment, but this is wonderfully atmospheric. And seems very northern, somehow. Send in the trolls! (There ought to be trolls. Don't bother, they're here.)
Cheers
David
Cheers
David
Suzanne
Its a little while since I commented on your stuff so just to say its a neat little tale well told but (why is there always a but I hear you say) I would still say too many adjectives and a tendency to be tell-y. First verse is an example
She'd been warned north country twilight
played tricks, turned stumps became
the prowling rogues of ancient tales,
These are exquisite lines, they have me hooked wondering what will follow and what follows
darkness shifted alluringly,
transforming objects before open eyes.
two telly-lines. You have said the stumps turn into rogues in the twilight so I dont need to be told that it is the darkness that does the transforming. Does that make sense? If it does, go through the rest and be harsh (over harsh) to see what the outcome is.
Oh - and count the adjectives just in these two lines
an aged pine, gnarly and twisted,
a perfect balance of prickly tipped branches
Keep at it
elph
Its a little while since I commented on your stuff so just to say its a neat little tale well told but (why is there always a but I hear you say) I would still say too many adjectives and a tendency to be tell-y. First verse is an example
She'd been warned north country twilight
played tricks, turned stumps became
the prowling rogues of ancient tales,
These are exquisite lines, they have me hooked wondering what will follow and what follows
darkness shifted alluringly,
transforming objects before open eyes.
two telly-lines. You have said the stumps turn into rogues in the twilight so I dont need to be told that it is the darkness that does the transforming. Does that make sense? If it does, go through the rest and be harsh (over harsh) to see what the outcome is.
Oh - and count the adjectives just in these two lines
an aged pine, gnarly and twisted,
a perfect balance of prickly tipped branches
Keep at it
elph