On Producing Macbeth at a Sixth Form College

[Basnik]

My designer, the fey Katherine, has bought
for thirty pounds, a ram's skull, with a V
of terrifying horns from Bob on eBay.
The witches are meant to pass it around,
as a grotesque momento mori.
I haven't told the witches yet,
one of whom is vegan.

[sandpiper]

I think this is wonderful. I have no nits. It's clean,
tight. Just a smooth read all the way around. I'd submit it somewhere.

[Wabznasm]

Apart from a few grammatical oddities, this is respectful and funny.

I don't like the passive grammar of

has bought
for thirty pounds, a ram's skull,

it reads awkwardly and, dare I say, pointlessly. Another problem is that it implies that only the horns were bought from bob and not the skull.

Don't think a comma is needed here: pass it around, especially since what follows is an adjectival clause describing the very thing.

Good though. Very good in fact.

Dave

[Basnik]

Hi,

Thanks for the comments. Sandpiper, thank you for your response - I'm glad you enjoyed it and appreciate what you wrote. Dave, thank you too, and I agree about the comma after ram's skull. Not sure about the passive though - I agree that generally the passive isn't as dynamic or interesting as the active but as Katherine is the agent here I don't think this is a passive construction; isn't it just a present perfect? Maybe it does sound fusty but it does fit the metre and the s echoes the s s of ram's skull in the next line. Not sure about what I could use as an alternative.

Thanks again.

Rich Basnik

[David]

Rich, I think this is fantastic, but I thought what was on my screen, when I first opened it, was just the first part of a wild and wonderful ride. And it stopped right there.

Okay, no quibbles, this is terrific, but more please!

(Every detail is right, but "Bob on eBay" is just perfection.)

Cheers

David

[brianedwards]

As much as I enjoy the images, I can't help feeling it could be written better. The grammar and punctuation create a stiltedness that I don't think serves the poem well.
I also felt the combination of modifiers (fey/terrifying/grotesque) draw too much attention to themselves and ask me to search their cumulative meaning. Which of course, pulls me too far out of the read.
I do think this is worth developing Rich and similar to David, suspect it maybe ends too soon?

B.

~

[Elphin]

Rich

I like this as a little snippet of life. The chaps are right, there is something about the construction. Does it help to turn it around a little

My designer, the fey Katherine, bought
for thirty pounds, from Bob on eBay,
a ram's skull, with a V of terrifying horns.

Maybe / Maybe not

enjoyed

elph

[Basnik]

Hi,

Thanks for the comments, interesting stuff as usual. I thought some of the "comedy" delivery came through the stilted grammar. The "has bought" for example conveys that sense of a fait accompli that the narrator has misgivings about. I always wanted the line to end on a "V" to leave that physical image on the strongest word. I agree the adjectives do lead and push the reader away but it is meant to be comic verse (which I think has to have high standards so I'm not making the it's only comedy get over it argument), but perhaps can stand a bolder lead than in more slow burner stuff.

I only offer this in a thinking through my reasoning kind of way, not trying to be defensive. If the writing has got in the way of the clarity it does need an edit.

To finish, indulge me, here's an unpolished extra section:

Our Lady Macbeth is not just any Lady Macbeth
she is a Marks and Spencer's Lady Macbeth,
her melted chocolate tones delivering the evil.
And yet she is the dearest chuck, a sweet Harriet
who just happens to channel the primal gall.

Tomorrow's opening night so might get more inspiration then.

Thanks again

Rich - Basnik

[David]

I like "has bought / for thirty pounds, a ram's skull" - quite a lot, actually. It's as if you're saying "This is the situation I find myself in, that, in fact, the fey Katherine has put me in, by buying this bloody ram's skull ..."

I wouldn't change a word. Except momento, which should of course be memento.

I like where you're going with the Lady Macbeth section, but there are too many Lady Macbeth's in't, and it does need polishing. Polish away, dear chap!

[Elphin]

Rich

I quite like where you are taking the Lady Macbeth section - how about developing the M&S tone. something like

Our Lady Macbeth is not just any Lady Macbeth
she is a Marks and Spencer's Lady Macbeth,
delivering the evil in her tones
her melted chocolate tones.

You are right too about ending on V - it is impactful

elph

[Ros]

Haven't I said I think this is great? I think this is great. I like the passive wryness of it.

[Basnik]

Thanks Ros, Elphin and David - I feel justified in my passive wryness. That's a brilliant phrase, Ros, I feel like there should be a whole poetic movement in honour of it.

I do want to do more on this but I've got so many of the lines of the play running through my head that it'll just be a pastiche or a cut and pastiche.

Perhaps tomorrow (and tomorrow and tomorrow)

Rich.

[bodkin]

I like this also. Love the passive and the stilted.

Maybe M+S sell passive rye bread?

[Petronius]

I have produced Shakespeare and my heart goes out to you. I think it is rather like a nervous breakdown until the final performance. Then a period of rest until agitation for next one begins. I liked the poem,particularly "fey". I have known the fey helpers too. I am rather puzzled about the metre. I scanned the first two lines and I could not really detect any real metre. Vaguely iambic but with so many deviations it is not perceptible when reading. Its rhythms are speech rhythms and non the worse for that.

[Basnik]

Hi,

Thanks Bodkin and Petronius for your comments. Metre, hmm,I had the intention of pentameters dwindling to tetrameters and then to trimeters with the bathos and I've vaguely got that but there are more variation in feet than I intended because the speech rhythms felt more appropriate than something more formal. Glad you like it. The play is done and went really well - still buzzing with all that youthful enthusiasm the students generate and yet am now on the obligatory knackered downswoop, with that blimey what next feeling.

Rich Basnik

[David]

I think the question of metre is a red herring here, although I agree with your characterisation of it, Rich. The first three lines feel very Shakespeherian, and L3 is - but for an extra hanging syllable at the end - perfect IP.