Memory

[Divina]

i

I picked up a dead rat
by its tail, buried
it in my backyard,

continued riding
my bike into adulthood.


ii

Life and death are connected
and they aren't—
a robin's mournful song
embraces all seasons
in one note.


iii

Laura was eight
when we went to that waterfall
in deep Umbrian woods;

a pond
of freezing water
below.

We challenged each
other to jump,
but never did.


iv

Remembering
is a bit like taking chances.

I'd rather
live in the now,
a heartfelt yes,
a reluctant
but necessary no,

or dreamy in-betweens.


v

Love isn't found in the big clouds—
the little ones are more evocative.
They pull to blues of sky.



vi

Warm evening
dusk on my hands--
the wind calms.




--

[Elphin]

Divina

I dont think I have commented on your work so welcome - this was a pleasurable read. I like the way this poem made me want to read i and reread it - its deceptive simplicity seems to contain for me a multitude of layers. In my book complexity in simple language is good.

I have some nits for you to consider. Two are line breaks

when we went to

that waterfall

I think to is weak, would you consider moving it to the next line?

a reluctant but
necessary no

reads as if the but is reluctant and not connected to the necessary. Again would you move it down a line?

i wonder about s4 -it seems so central to what you want to say but is it bordering on tell-y? Dont s5 and s6 provide the here and now to contrast with the remembering

Very pleasing

elph

[David]

Lovely, especially i, ii and v.

Not sure why you've capitalized robin.

What deep Umbrian woods were these? I've been to deepest Umbria too.

I think the syntax in the second half of iv goes slightly loopy. You seem to give yourself three options without taking any of them.

And do you really need vi?

This is micro-pedantry. I say again, a lovely poem.

Cheers

David

[BernardHamel]

It's refreshing to see some nice clean lines. Most writers have too many words in their head, not realizing that there only a few that can tell a story (I guess, it’s a personal thing). This one had me interested the whole way, without dissecting it for me. I enjoyed it...for what it's worth.

[ray miller]

dreamy in-betweens kind of describes the poem. In a nice way. Do robins have a mournful song?

Remembering is a bit like taking chances - How so?

[Divina]

elphin

Nice to meet you. Thanks a lot for commenting and for your suggestions. I'll take a look at the line breaks and edit as per your suggestions. I agree that the fourth part is a bit weak. As Ray pointed out, what I want to say isn't clear at all. I've been trying to change parts of it but nothing has come up yet. Thanks again for your help.

Hi David
Of course I don't need to capitalize Robin. And about the last section, I am considering adding a haiku hoping to show and not simply state that it's nightfall again. I am beginning to think that iv doesn't make much sense - or at least it does only to me. The woods I'm talking about are found in the Assisi area. Thank you.

Bernard
Many thanks for your kind words.


Ray
Thanks for your comment on this. I don't know if I'm supposed to answer your questions or if you're somehow telling me that those lines don't work for you. Anyway, yes, robins have a mournful song in winter, a cheerful one in spring. What I mean by taking chances is ... to quote a book read ... 'Having too many memories isn't good for anyone. You become melancholy.' I'm glad you liked the dreamy in-betweens. Thank you for taking the time to read and let me know your impressions. I appreciate.



Maria

[ray miller]

Divina - I feel a bit mean saying this, but I'll say it anyway; and I'm not trying to be antagonistic. If a robin has a mournful song in winter and a cheerful song in spring, can it truly be said that the mournful song embraces all seasons in one note?

I agree that having too many memories can be bad for you. I see now what you're saying. My psychoanalyst is a bit miffed, though.

[Divina]

Ray

Well it's hard to know if a person is mean just by reading poetry and critiques on a board and I don't see why you should be feeling mean. Actually, that's an interesting question. Rationally, I would say no. But when I wrote this I was thinking of those melancholy bluesy songs that can sort of obliterate all rationality and the sun could be the moon and vice versa for all you know. Thanks for being straightforward. I hope I'll be able to come up with something better.


My best to you.

Maria