Low tide - edited
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new version
You surf the crowds on the prom,
raiding conversations, pocketing
odd phrases. I watch you walk
to where the tide has drained away,
and the shingle stretches its fingers
towards the horizon.
You wrap words around stones,
send them skimming towards the skyline,
watch them bounce
……………………………………..bounce
………………………………………………………….sink.
edited version
You surf the crowds on the prom,
raiding conversations floating overhead,
pocketing odd phrases. I watch you
walk to the edge of the sea
where the tide has drained away,
and the shingle stretches its fingers
towards the horizon.
You wrap my words around stones,
send them skimming towards the skyline,
watch them bounce bounce bounce
sink.
You surf the crowds on the prom,
raiding conversations, pocketing
odd phrases. I watch you walk
to where the tide has drained away,
and the shingle stretches its fingers
towards the horizon.
You wrap words around stones,
send them skimming towards the skyline,
watch them bounce
……………………………………..bounce
………………………………………………………….sink.
edited version
You surf the crowds on the prom,
raiding conversations floating overhead,
pocketing odd phrases. I watch you
walk to the edge of the sea
where the tide has drained away,
and the shingle stretches its fingers
towards the horizon.
You wrap my words around stones,
send them skimming towards the skyline,
watch them bounce bounce bounce
sink.
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits
petal that love waits
- Helen Bywater
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I think this is pretty near perfect, Sharra. I love the title. I love L3 to L10. If I was going to be very nit-picky, I'd say the only thing I'm unsure about is L1-2, only because "surf" implies being above the crowds, and following that with conversations floating overhead seemed a bit incongruous. It's only that word "overhead", really.Sharra wrote:You surf the crowds on the prom,
raiding conversations floating overhead,
pocketing odd phrases. I watch you
walk to the edge of the sea
where the tide has drained away,
and the shingle stretches its fingers
towards the horizon.
You wrap my words around stones,
send them skimming towards the skyline,
watch them bounce bounce bounce
sink.
Perplexing Poster
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I don't think you need "floating overhead" at all, "raiding conversations and pocketing odd phrases" would be better. I like the last three lines a lot but don't know about bounce x 3, perhaps just bounce and sink?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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Thanks for your thoughts ![Smile :)](./images/smilies/icon_smile.gif)
Helen - glad you liked it. Thats a good point about the surfing and overhead thing, I'll have a think on that one.
Ray - I'll also have think about the repeating bounce - I was trying to get the stone bouncing several times as it skimmed, but maybe it isn't working.
Sharra
xx
![Smile :)](./images/smilies/icon_smile.gif)
Helen - glad you liked it. Thats a good point about the surfing and overhead thing, I'll have a think on that one.
Ray - I'll also have think about the repeating bounce - I was trying to get the stone bouncing several times as it skimmed, but maybe it isn't working.
Sharra
xx
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits
petal that love waits
- Raisin
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Loved the ending, it cuts off very sharply which seems almost comic, I don't know if you intended this but I thought it was great. "Shingles" is a great sounding word, despite the meaning
Also, I liked "skimming towards the skyline" I thought that was a good use of imagery.
Lovely read, thanks,
Raisin
![Smile :)](./images/smilies/icon_smile.gif)
Lovely read, thanks,
Raisin
In the beginning there was nothing, and it exploded. (Terry Pratchett on the Big Bang Theory)
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I really liked this. It is the ending that makes it great.
I think contrast between the bouncing and the sinking is intensified if there are fewer bounces.
The light hearted bouncing of your words and the deep sink of not being heard. Very enjoyable.
Suzanne
I think contrast between the bouncing and the sinking is intensified if there are fewer bounces.
The light hearted bouncing of your words and the deep sink of not being heard. Very enjoyable.
Suzanne
- Helen Bywater
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I could see what you were trying to do with the bouncing stone, and I liked the idea, but I'm wondering if it would look better hyphenated:
"bounce-bounce-bounce" or even "bounce-skip-bounce" - too much bouncing might seem a bit too springy for the sort of motion you're describing.
And what about "raid floating conversations" for L2?
H x
"bounce-bounce-bounce" or even "bounce-skip-bounce" - too much bouncing might seem a bit too springy for the sort of motion you're describing.
And what about "raid floating conversations" for L2?
H x
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Liked this, Sharra - Like the casual picking up of words and tossing them away again. You could I use raid and pocket in the first couple of lines, but I'm not convinced it would improve it. I wonder if you should lose the my in wrap my words - until then, the 'you' appear as a more distant observer of someone picking up lost phrases, and I think that distance is good.
Ros
Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
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Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
I enjoyed this Sharra - good title.
I like the conceit of your words as stones bouncing and sinking. If anything I would say that this is such an essential image that you may want to cut back on the other descriptions - the simile of the shingle like fingers for example, and perhaps rather than
walk to the edge of the sea
where the tide has drained away,
just
walk to where the tide has drained away,
I am with Ray on lines 2 and 3 too.
Sparsity would suit this poem as you have such a strong central image.
elph
I like the conceit of your words as stones bouncing and sinking. If anything I would say that this is such an essential image that you may want to cut back on the other descriptions - the simile of the shingle like fingers for example, and perhaps rather than
walk to the edge of the sea
where the tide has drained away,
just
walk to where the tide has drained away,
I am with Ray on lines 2 and 3 too.
Sparsity would suit this poem as you have such a strong central image.
elph
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I feel you need the three bounces, it certainly gave me the feeling of skimming stones (a fond past-time). The hyphens are a good idea or maybe separate lines with indentation. They feel like they need something more to enhance the bounce.
I'm undecided on the surfing the crowd, floating overhead, I keep getting images of seagulls which throws me later on, but a great piece.
I'm undecided on the surfing the crowd, floating overhead, I keep getting images of seagulls which throws me later on, but a great piece.
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I'm late to this one Sharra, but just wanted you to know I enjoyed it very much. The ~ing endings here are used perfectly.
B.
~
B.
~
This is very good, Sharra, pretty much faultless as a "word-hoard", shall we say. For me, though, your final image doesn't completely work as it is - the poem is invaded by the spirit of Tigger, and a deflatable Tigger, at that.
What would finishing at "send them skimming towards the skyline" do for you?
Cheers
David
What would finishing at "send them skimming towards the skyline" do for you?
Cheers
David