Low tide - edited

[Sharra]

new version

You surf the crowds on the prom,
raiding conversations, pocketing
odd phrases. I watch you walk
to where the tide has drained away,
and the shingle stretches its fingers
towards the horizon.
You wrap words around stones,
send them skimming towards the skyline,
watch them bounce
……………………………………..bounce
………………………………………………………….sink.

edited version

You surf the crowds on the prom,
raiding conversations floating overhead,
pocketing odd phrases. I watch you
walk to the edge of the sea
where the tide has drained away,
and the shingle stretches its fingers
towards the horizon.
You wrap my words around stones,
send them skimming towards the skyline,
watch them bounce bounce bounce
sink.

[Helen Bywater]

You surf the crowds on the prom,
raiding conversations floating overhead,
pocketing odd phrases. I watch you
walk to the edge of the sea
where the tide has drained away,
and the shingle stretches its fingers
towards the horizon.
You wrap my words around stones,
send them skimming towards the skyline,
watch them bounce bounce bounce
sink.

I think this is pretty near perfect, Sharra. I love the title. I love L3 to L10. If I was going to be very nit-picky, I'd say the only thing I'm unsure about is L1-2, only because "surf" implies being above the crowds, and following that with conversations floating overhead seemed a bit incongruous. It's only that word "overhead", really.

[ray miller]

I don't think you need "floating overhead" at all, "raiding conversations and pocketing odd phrases" would be better. I like the last three lines a lot but don't know about bounce x 3, perhaps just bounce and sink?

[Sharra]

Thanks for your thoughts
Helen - glad you liked it. Thats a good point about the surfing and overhead thing, I'll have a think on that one.
Ray - I'll also have think about the repeating bounce - I was trying to get the stone bouncing several times as it skimmed, but maybe it isn't working.
Sharra
xx

[Raisin]

Loved the ending, it cuts off very sharply which seems almost comic, I don't know if you intended this but I thought it was great. "Shingles" is a great sounding word, despite the meaning Also, I liked "skimming towards the skyline" I thought that was a good use of imagery.

Lovely read, thanks,

Raisin

[Suzanne]

I really liked this. It is the ending that makes it great.
I think contrast between the bouncing and the sinking is intensified if there are fewer bounces.
The light hearted bouncing of your words and the deep sink of not being heard. Very enjoyable.
Suzanne

[Helen Bywater]

I could see what you were trying to do with the bouncing stone, and I liked the idea, but I'm wondering if it would look better hyphenated:

"bounce-bounce-bounce" or even "bounce-skip-bounce" - too much bouncing might seem a bit too springy for the sort of motion you're describing.

And what about "raid floating conversations" for L2?

H x

[Ros]

Liked this, Sharra - Like the casual picking up of words and tossing them away again. You could I use raid and pocket in the first couple of lines, but I'm not convinced it would improve it. I wonder if you should lose the my in wrap my words - until then, the 'you' appear as a more distant observer of someone picking up lost phrases, and I think that distance is good.

Ros

[Elphin]

I enjoyed this Sharra - good title.

I like the conceit of your words as stones bouncing and sinking. If anything I would say that this is such an essential image that you may want to cut back on the other descriptions - the simile of the shingle like fingers for example, and perhaps rather than

walk to the edge of the sea
where the tide has drained away,

just
walk to where the tide has drained away,

I am with Ray on lines 2 and 3 too.

Sparsity would suit this poem as you have such a strong central image.

elph

[BenJohnson]

I feel you need the three bounces, it certainly gave me the feeling of skimming stones (a fond past-time). The hyphens are a good idea or maybe separate lines with indentation. They feel like they need something more to enhance the bounce.

I'm undecided on the surfing the crowd, floating overhead, I keep getting images of seagulls which throws me later on, but a great piece.

[Sharra]

Thanks for those suggestions - all taken on board and new version posted
Sharra
xx

[brianedwards]

I'm late to this one Sharra, but just wanted you to know I enjoyed it very much. The ~ing endings here are used perfectly.

B.

~

[Sharra]

thanks Brian - the ing thing actually means a lot! I'm obviously getting to grips with it at long last

[David]

This is very good, Sharra, pretty much faultless as a "word-hoard", shall we say. For me, though, your final image doesn't completely work as it is - the poem is invaded by the spirit of Tigger, and a deflatable Tigger, at that.

What would finishing at "send them skimming towards the skyline" do for you?

Cheers

David