The State of Me (currently under revision)

[The Ghost of Brian Jones]

I can smell your perfect flesh
you make me hungry all the time
your finger summons me like a worm
as smoke curls from your lips
I see your eyes
so startled suddenly in pain
the shock of feeling
takes you away from me
I cannot follow you now
because I cannot feel
I am numb and you can’t change it
you’re so cold to me now

I’m alive
but I feel dead
you’re still not alive
although you look it
torture me with your clandestine mind
I still see through your cracks
of perception
this is the way I feel
I am a machine
and I watch you fall
from heaven
burning as you enter the atmosphere
I watch you land
and I shed no tears

you are my love
that I never knew
killing compassion I once had
it turns out I never had any
I was a monster since I was born
I am a creature who knows itself
revolting as I am
I live on

because suicide is so passe
the dramatic, or the artistic, or the despondent would do so
but I am none of these
I am empty
and I care not
I do not seek to mend my wounds
death is perfectly satisfactory
but it will come of its own accord

[unchained soul]

Hi Ghost,

Very powerful stuff in that poem and expressed well too. I particularly liked the lines:

I can smell your perfect flesh
you make me hungry all the time
your finger summons me like a worm
as smoke curls from your lips

Well done.

Rach

[cameron]

While I'm in Simon Cowell mode I'll have a pop at this one too.

I'm sorry but I didn't really enjoy this. I found it melodramatic, introspective, angst-ridden and full of "tell" rather than "show". It's crying out for a metaphor or simile to help communicate the experience to the reader. Or alternatively you could try a bit of the old 'objective correlative'.

Any reason why you don't use punctuation?

Cam

[Bombadil]

Did I say welcome? I can't remember...

At any rate,

There are too many "I"s, "but"s, "and"s and other filler language in this. Its bloated and it ends up losing any power it may have had. Plus, you're not exactly challenge the reader here...ex: "I can smell your perfect flesh" good for you, your sinuses are clear--I can't smell it, because you haven't told me what it fucking smells like. Oh and throw "I am alive but I feel dead" out the window before you do anything else. So...add more sensory stuff, dude. I don't care what you can see, if I can't look at it too.

Cheers,

Bombadil

[The Ghost of Brian Jones]

thanks for the tip. looking at it, i gotta say. both of you are right about this. actually i think i'll just take it down and try something new.

[Bombadil]

Leave it up to the mods, if it is to be deleted.

Consider it a learning experience. Nothing to hide or erase.

[The Ghost of Brian Jones]

alright, but i'm definitly editing it a lot. as far as why i don't use grammar? I find, it always distracts me when i'm reading poetry unless it is extremely well placed. so, i just break my piece into lines instead of sentence segments. it flows better i guess. or maybe i'm just lazy. you decide.

[The Ghost of Brian Jones]

i'm working on it. the edit version should be up soon.

[camus]

"I find, it always distracts me when i'm reading poetry quote"

That seems alien to me.

How can you tell when to breath?

[The Ghost of Brian Jones]

it doesn't matter with my stuff. i like the experience to be different with every read. experiment with how you read it.