A Once Warm, Cold Shoulder

[figure eight]

There was a time when you would move under my fingers,
but now that’s once a month? and often less.
And although the memory of you naked lingers,
now, you turn your back while you undress.

There was a time, somewhere back around the start,
our bed was breathless, and not just filled with sighs,
when the hardest part of me was not my heart
and the wettest part of you was not your eyes.

There was a time when we used to lie together,
and in a funny way I suppose we still do that.
But the truth is it's time we decided whether
you take the c.d.’s or get to keep the cat.

[figure eight]

I could really do with some help with this. Your harshest criticism will be gladly received.

F8

[k-j]

Hi. This is a neat and modern-sounding poem. It's nice to see a simple, well-worked rhyme contributing to the bounce and flow of the poem. I think you could improve the last stanza:

- change "lay" to "lie". I realise that "lay" is current in American English but "lie" is still a valid alternative and gives more oomph to "lying" in the next line.
- remove both commas from the penultimate line. They're just wrong, grammatically.
- redraft the last line. It's got too many beats and trips over itself. You've already made the pun on "lie" at the top of the stanza, so no need to repeat it here. How about just "the time has come for me and you"? And no need for a question mark after a "consider whether".

But I like it a lot. It's easy and playful and basically fun to read. Cheers!

[Rachel]

I also really loved this.
I do agree about the "lay" but I think that's because I'm Scottish so lay sounds funny on my tongue. I wonder about either a more ambiguous ending or something much more concrete. Maybe it's just the question mark, but I did feel a bit of maybe an anti-climax or something...?
Love Rachel

[Skript]

a very hip poem. simple and neat. i agree with the 'lies' part also. it really would tie in.

However i do feel like there are no real disparities in the stanzas. They are each basically repeating the same situation.

since these events are taking place in the bedroom I believe the lines below fit in well with the sexual theme:

when the hardest part of me was not my heart
and the wettest part of you was not your eyes

[Bombadil]

I suppose I'll be the slightly negative one...

I think the sentiment is well placed, but the language could use a tweek or three.

All in all not bad.

Cheers,

Keith

[figure eight]

Thanks alot for the advice everyone.

kj: do you think the last stanza should be dropped altogther? On reflextion it's a little forced to justifiy the the single pun. Thought the suggestions you made make alot of sense. I might try and rewrite it tonight if the insomnia hits again.

rachel: I think you're right it does need a more concrete ending and that's what I think I'll aim for in a rewrite. Maybe something along the lines of not so much realising the relationship is over but realising that the other person has already come to that conclusion long before.

skript: I'm glad you picked out those lines as they were the first to come to me. I wanted it not to just be about feelings that had changed but something physical that was missing. It did however cross my mind that it was slightly crude, but then I think that's what I wanted.

kieth: Thanks for the honesty. You're right. I think the first line of the second stanza is very week and as soon as I can find what I'm looking for to replace it; it's gone. The meter's all over the place to. I hoped it was still readable as I know where the pauses come but don't think I've got that across.

Anyway I'm going to take the final staza out until it feels right hope no-one minds me leaving the other two up.

Thanks again.

F8

[figure eight]

I've tried a couple of things to replace the final stanza of this peom. Could you give me you're opinions on this as a slightly more humourous ending? Again be brutal. I'd expect no less from you all.

There was a time when we used to lie together,
and in a funny way I suppose we still do that.
But the truth is it's time we decide whether,
you take the c.d.’s or get to keep the cat.

Thanks

F8

[k-j]

Yeah, I think I prefer it. This might sound anal, but "decided" would work better for sense and scansion than "decide".

[lemur]

I think the last 2 lines would read better if you removed the comma after 'whether'.

[pseud]

The smaller the poem, the more anal the critics.

It's a bit like sculpting disproportional nudes doing hand stands, on the head of a pin.

[figure eight]

Thanks again everyone. Think I might leave it now for a while and come back to it at a later date.

Pseudonymous; you've lost me.

[Bombadil]

Less shite to focus on, so the details fall to scrutiny.


A better set this time though, methinks.