Corrosion (revised again)

[Ros]

Corrosion

You slip into the room
and items age; corners darken, paint peels.
Carpets crumble as you walk.
The smell of dust strips perfume
from the air, deposits old church
scent behind. You creep upstairs,
hand clutched round a cup of rusty water
run from the tap of an abandoned house.

Things were simpler now. Now
I look back on our future, see
how your every move reversed
the progress I had made, unplanted
plants, unpainted walls, spilled
stains upon the pristine papers
that I signed to say:
I loved you.

I lock the door to keep you out
even as you tease
splinters from the floor.


(this is the final version - for now...)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Regression


You slip into the room
and items age; corners darken, paint peels.
Pure thoughts corrode. Carpets crumble
as you walk. The smell of dust
strips perfume from the air,
deposits old church scent behind.
You creep upstairs, hand clutched
round a cup of rusty water
run from the tap of an abandoned house.

Things were simpler now. Now
I look back on our future, see
how your every move reversed
the progress I had made, unplanted
plants, unpapered walls, spilled
stains upon the pristine papers
that I signed to say I loved you.

I lock the door to keep you out even as you
tease splinters from the floor.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~
original


You slip into the room
and items age; corners darken, paint peels.
Thoughts, once shiny, tarnish.
Carpets crumble as you walk.
The smell of dust strips perfume
from the air, deposits old church
scent behind. You creep upstairs,
hand clutched round cup of rusty water
run from the tap of an abandoned house.

Things were simpler now. Now
I look back on our future, see
how your every move reversed
the progress I had made, unplanted
plants, unpapered walls, spilled
wine stains on the pristine papers
that I signed to say I loved you.

I lock the door to keep you out even as you
tease the floorboards into splinters.

[Wabznasm]

This is very clever Ros, and very enjoyable.

To cut to the chase, the one main issue I notice is the title. On the one hand, you have a title which makes the reader think of a simple process of decay, but this process is then cleverly personified and altered into a metaphor for a relationship. The transformation is tactile and rewarding. But on the other (and I'm more aligned with this than the former), you have a smart poem suffocated by a title which seems to suggest this is 'about' corrosion, rather than the richly metaphorical scenario it creates; it makes me think 'Oh, this is about a chemical process then'. I think it would be smarter to change the title and leave the subject of the poem playfully suggestive.

You seem to suffer from a case of no-articles-in-my-poetry syndrome in L6:

deposits old church
scent behind. You creep upstairs,
hand clutched round cup of rusty water
run from the tap of an abandoned house.

'old church scent', 'hand clutched round cup' -- I was almost expecting 'run from tap of abaondoned house', which would've taken this into second language territory! I just think this bit makes it clear that you are thinking of ways to not use an article, and the general grace of the writing, for me, loses itself here.

I expect you'll get some controversy on the 'Things were simpler now'. I'm certainly thinking about flagging it, but at the same time I love the paradox -- it works.

This is very good Ros. Incredibly suggestive.
Dave

NB (maybe something a little less heavy handed than the bluntness of 'that I signed to say I love you'?)

[LeMinh88]

You slip into the room
and items age; corners darken, paint peels.
Thoughts, once shiny, tarnish. even though shiny is the opposite of tarnish; they're really a pair. Too predictable; consider "once owned"
Carpets crumble as you walk.
The smell of dust strips perfume combine these two lines into "the smell of dust strips perfume into old church"
from the air, deposits old church
scent behind. You creep upstairs,
hand clutched round cup of rusty water combine: hand clutched a cup of rusty water of an abandoned house
run from the tap of an abandoned house.

Things were simpler now. Now Which time line? Things were simpler then or things are simpler now?
I look back on our future, see
how your every move reversed
the progress I had made, unplanted
plants, unpapered walls, spilled
wine stains on the pristine papers
that I signed to say I loved you.

I lock the door to keep you out even as you consider: I lock the door to keep you out but you just tease the floorboards into splinters.
tease the floorboards into splinters.

Corrosion, as the title states, by its definition is a state of deterioration of metals. But there is more than just cold chemical reaction. There is more a haunting feeling as the decaying process follows the narrator. The title doesn't really convey that. How's about something like "ghost" or "failures". Something that will elevate the poem to another level.

[Sharra]

Ros I really like this a lot

My only nits would be ones that Dave has pointed out. I think you really need 'a cup of rusty water'. And also I agree with him about the title - it pins down the meaning, whereas I read this initially having not digested the title and felt it could be about a person, which added a whole layer of meaning to it. I can't think of another title to suggest at present, but will have a think.

My only other thought is the repetition of unpapered/papers, I wasn't sure about this and wondered whether unpainted would work as well?

Really enjoyed this.
Sharra
xx

[Ros]

Dave, LeMinh, Sharra, thanks, some very useful thoughts. I know this one needs tweaking. You are all right about the title - I added it in a bit of a hurry, and it's not working.

LeMinh, 'Things were simpler now' - if I change that, the whole point of the poem goes!

Thanks, all, greatly appreciated.

Ros

[Helen Bywater]

Hi Ros,

Great stuff. I read this a few days ago, but didn't have time to comment.

I've been thinking about the title. As Dave said, it sounds as if it could just be about a chemical reaction. What about using the word "chemistry"? Maybe "The Corrosion of Chemistry" or something like that?

Helen

[Arian]

Hi Ros. I’m going to be contrary here. Not wilfully - it’s genuinely what I think. And I think the title’s fine. Perfect, even. I read the piece several times and, while I don’t think I succeeded in finding an unambiguous meaning in it, a clear correspondence between the metaphor and its message, I don’t think that matters. I don’t think that one should, as Billy Collins once put it, torture a poem into confessing a meaning. With your piece, I was left with a very strong feeling of decay and atrophy; a sense of experience triggering (for you) a Proustian memory of the past. And I enjoyed reading it. So on that level (possible the only level that counts), it’s (in my view) a success.

Here’s more contrariness (sorry): the were/now construction works well for me. Perfectly legitimate syntactically, and adds an evocative nuance.

I’m not into changing the words of others, generally, but in this case I will make 2 tentative suggestions: (1) I agree with others about the missing article with the cup – was a bit jarring. (2) For me, “...spilled wine stains the pristine...” works better. Lose, in other words, the “on”.

Conclusion: I liked it a lot. Keep the title.
peter

[Suzanne]

Ros,

I thought that you communicated pain very well, frustration and progressive healing. Great interpersonal poem.
Love the old church smell. I might suggest changing the last line to tie in with the corrosion idea or chagning the title into a rotted wood based idea. ?

Nice,
Suzanne

[rushme]

quite fascinating - how it works on both levels

just an interesting idea if it appeals - turning around the whole poem:


I lock the door to keep you out
as you tease the floorboards
into splinters.

You slip into the room and items age;
corners darken, paint peels.
Thoughts, once shiny, tarnish.

Carpets crumble, dust strips perfume
from the air, deposits old church
scent behind.

You creep upstairs, hand clutched round
cup of rusty water run from the tap
of an abandoned house.

Things were simpler now.

I look back on our future,
see how your every move reversed
the progress I had made,

unplanted plants, unpapered walls, spilled
wine stains on the pristine papers
that I signed to say:

I loved you.

[Ros]

Helen, thanks for commenting - I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Peter, I'm glad you liked the were/now bit, and think it works. I appreciate your comments on the title, but I'm not entirely happy with it.

Suzanne, good thoughts, thanks.

rushme, I rather like that!

Thanks, all - I shall consider all your thoughts when I get to work on this one again.

Ros

[ray miller]

Reminded me of not just one, but two Bob Dylan songs: Ballad of a Thin Man(You walk into the room with your pencil in your hand) and My Back Pages ( I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now). There's no praise greater .
"Carpets crumble as you walk" is very good.The only bit that read a little awkward was "Thoughts, once shiny, tarnish..." I think "Shiny thoughts...." doing whatever, would be better.

Great ending. Heeeeeere Comes Johnny!

[Ros]

Double Dylan praise! Thanks, Ray - though I confess I don't recognise those two songs. I'll get on to it immediately.

[rushme]

yea i like it too! reads like a dream!sorry to praise myself but i wonder why sometimes in an other's work the arranging & re-arranging & esp. the chopping up part jumps out crystal clear -
but never in your own.

[jack.wolff]

Corrosion is oxidation of metals. If we consider oxidation instead of corrosion, as a chemical reaction involving oxygen, then we have a whole range of possibilities. Rust is a slow burn if we consider it in that context. Fire, of course, is nearly instantaneous. So while I don't feel corrosion is appropriate, I think the wider chemical reaction is appropriate to the subject, so if some phrasing which suggests it can be written...I think the title might work for a wider audience and have more application to the poem that follows. But also the important line: "Things were simpler now" may suggest a title that's not so scientific but purposefully contradictory, like many movie titles (though none come to mind at this very moment).

I likewise like bits and parts of this poem. It is cinematic in some ways: the movement of people through a home which decays around them.

Rushme's rearrangement is interesting and, interestingly enough, works for this poem, IMHO. There is a lesson in this. We can do the same thing with our own poems; doing so may help us better find the poem's form and meaning. Rushme's rearrangement also SEEMS to turn the poem into present tense, I noticed. It is an illusion. At the same time, the poem is more immediate. And all that Rushme has done is put the last stanza first, and then break up the "scenes" into their own stanzas, and enjamb the last 3 stanzas of the new poem, to make all but the 5th and 8th new stanzas 3 lines long. This places the powerful "I loved you" at the end, and the powerful "I lock the door to keep you out) at the beginning. What this does is place the poem in an interesting medias res: why is the narrator locking the door? This suggests conflict, and the remaining 2 lines of the new stanza do so as well by showing how that conflict is destructive, as does the rest of the poem.

If this is all so obvious to everyone else, forgive me for mentioning rushme's response at length.

[Ros]

Interesting analysis, Jack. Thanks for taking the time to think about this. I'm still working on the title.

ros

[David]

Ros, like the sci-fi / mythic feel of S1. I'm sure I remember a character like this on Star Trek. S2 seems a bit too much like commentary - for that is what it is - but I can see that you need it. I'm not sure "tease" goes with "splinters".

Holistically speaking, however, I like it.

Cheers

David

[Ros]

Thanks, David. I think to get the mix of now/then I need the commentary, I'm afraid.

I've tried all sort of things with this, including swapping the end and beginning, and shorter verses, but I've come back pretty much to where I started, with some tweaks. All comments gratefully received. Does the new title work better?

Ros

[Sharra]

Hi Ros
I have to say I preferred the original. I'm really not sure of Regression as a title, and I thought the line 'pure thoughts corrode' slipped into 'poeticism' I'm afraid. Sorry
Sharra
xx

[Ros]

Sharra: dammit! But I'm not sure you're wrong. And I still don't like the title much myself.

[Susan-Morris3]

My little comment only small but means a thousand words ....I Liked it just the way it was. ummmm except the title. x

[Arian]

Nope. Sorry all, but I think you're all wrong. Ros got it right first time. Corrosion.

To me, there’s a close – a poetic - analogy between the way our lives, our relationships, change into a different – less pure – form, as time goes on, in the same way that metals degrade with exposure to the atmosphere. In other words, our lives oxidise. Corrode.

To me, the new title is going backwards. Regression, in other words, is a regression.
Stick with corrosion, Ros!

[Elphin]

Ros

Just popping in and this caught my eye - I havent read the comments above but want to say this is one of my favourites of yours.

I like the way you hold the pace of the lines and the split between s1 and s2. I d make a couple of comments - I prefer corrosion to regression as a title but Im not sure why.

I would remove Pure thoughts corrode. It is poety and also thoughts are intangible whereas everything else in this stanza is tangible.

As I said I like the pace so I think you could hold back a little on the delivery in the final stanza, like this

I lock the door to keep you out
even as you tease
splinters from the floor.

Tease can go either way so I think you allow the reader to halt and wonder with this construction before delivering the splinters.

All written very quickly - hope it makes sense.

elph

[Helen Bywater]

I prefer the first title too. I know I suggested an alternative, but Corrosion's fine. You do get what it's about as you read it.

[Ros]

Susan, thanks for the read.

Arian, I think I may go back to Corrosion. I can't think, at the moment, of anything that fits better.

Elph, thanks greatly, I think I agree with your suggestions.

Helen, thanks. Sometimes poems don't take to being messed about with too much!

[Ros]

For what it's worth, I've revised slightly again.