Sea turtle - edited

[Sharra]

new version
You’re full to the brim. Your domed body
skims the surface, limbs floating alongside,
as you drift through blood-warm waters.
On this August night I know you
long to sink to the bottom, let it cradle
you to sleep. Instead these waves crash
through you, leave you gasping.

I know that once she’s born,
you’ll no longer be seduced by the tides,
won’t ever leave us like driftwood on the beach.
Instead I’ll watch you curl your toes
as she fastens her lips to you.

original
Your domed body skims the surface, limbs
floating alongside, as you drift
through blood-warm waters.

On this August night, I know you
long to slide beneath, feel it cradle you to sleep.
You’re full to the brim

and I imagine how tomorrow
you will lumber along the shoreline
to find the perfect spot. I know

you won’t listen to the waves
lapping at your feet, won’t ever abandon her
to the sharpness of waiting predators.

You’ll just wince and curl your toes
as she fastens herself to you.

[Ros]

I'm probably being dense here, but I'm having quite a lot of trouble with who the narrator is.

Your domed body skims the surface, limbs
floating alongside, as you drift
through blood-warm waters. - this verse is the turtle

On this August night, I know you
long to slide beneath, feel it cradle you to sleep.
You’re full to the brim

- this verse I read at first as someone else, with it as the turtle, which is probably my fault. So really the 'it' is the sea? Not sure 'beneath' is clearly enough beneath the waves - I read it as beneath the turtle. and then full to the brim - could be either...

and I imagine how tomorrow
you will lumber along the shoreline
to find the perfect spot. I know

you won’t listen to the waves
lapping at your feet, won’t ever abandon her - who her?
to the sharpness of waiting predators.

You’ll just wince and curl your toes
as she fastens herself to you. - now I'm completely lost!

Do we have narration by the turtle, an unknown she, and the sea?

But apart from that I enjoyed this!

Ros

[LeMinh88]

Interesting strategy using the second person point of view to draw the reader to inhabit the turtle's body. But like Sharra, I stumbled in S4, with the "her." My guess on the "her" is an infant turtle or a lover. If not, then I lost. Perhaps try either the first or third person point of view. That may clear up some of the confusions.

[brianedwards]

I'm confused as to why the confusion! Seems a pretty straightforward observer's account of a sea turtle to me!

Your domed body skims the surface, limbs [Your= turtle's]
floating alongside, as you drift [you = turtle]
through blood-warm waters.

On this August night, I know you [I = observer]
long to slide beneath, feel it cradle you to sleep. {it = sea/you= turtle]
You’re full to the brim [you = turtle]

and I imagine how tomorrow {I = observer]
you will lumber along the shoreline [you = turtle]
to find the perfect spot. I know {I = obs]

you won’t listen to the waves [you = turtle]
lapping at your feet, won’t ever abandon her [your = turtle's/her = sea]
to the sharpness of waiting predators.

You’ll just wince and curl your toes [you/your = turtle]
as she fastens herself to you. {she = sea/you = turtle]

I enjoyed this quite a bit, so I'll be very disappointed if I am completely wrong on my reading! Biggest nit for me was the 3 line stanza form which feels unnatural when what seems called-for is an uninterrupted flow.

B.

~

[Sharra]

Thanks for trying to decipher this guys
Ok I guess I'll clarify what I'm trying to do.
It was supposed to be about the sea turtle but also an extended metaphor - my very pregnant friend likened herself to a sea turtle, she said she wishes she could spend the rest of her pregnancy in water as she doesn't feel so heavy then.
So it's sposes to be about a turtle and a pregnant woman. The 'I' is the observer (of the turtle or the woman).
Does that make sense?
Sharra
xx
P.S. and yes, I think you're right about the stanzas Brian.

[brianedwards]

Ahh, I suspected there might be an extended trope somewhere in the description. If that's what you're aiming for then I am afraid it isn't working. That I read (and enjoyed) it as a straightforward descriptive piece should tell you that the metaphor is not clear enough for readers to grasp. Thinking in terms of vehicle and tenor, for me, the tenor is buried in the amount of description applied to the vehicle. Take a look at these lines:

I imagine how tomorrow
you will lumber along the shoreline
to find the perfect spot.

Coming after the previous lines, what have you given the reader to deduce that this is anything but a Sea Turtle being described?

Now, I am all for ambiguity in poetry, and some of my tastes are pretty obscure. But I don't think that's the kind of poetics with which you are engaged Sharra. Are you familiar with Ted Kooser? I am not a huge fan but I do admire his simplicity and how effectively he can @pull off this kind of extended metaphor. This might be of interest
His Repair Manual is actually really useful, one I occasionally refer to and regularly recommend to students.

Regards this poem, I would start by taking a look at the title.

Apologies if I am teaching Granny to suck eggs in writing all this.
And I am not calling you a Granny!

B.

~

[Sharra]

Hi Brian
Thanks for the thoughts. This is something I haven't done loads of before, so I guess there's bound to be teething problems. I haven't heard of Ted Kooser, I'll have a read. Is the book worth buying then? I've spend so much recently I need to really justify anymore buying lol

And I'm glad you're not calling me a Granny! I'm not quite there yet!
Sharra
xx

[Ros]

I'm quite a big fan of Kooser. He writes generally short, descriptive, simple poems with wonderful metaphors. There are a few here http://www.poemhunter.com/ted-kooser/. Of the type of poem he does (and he's not TS Eliot) I think he's brilliant. If you're buying, try Flying at Night. Buy, buy!

you won’t listen to the waves [you = turtle]
lapping at your feet, won’t ever abandon her [your = turtle's/her = sea]
to the sharpness of waiting predators.

But if you're right here, Brian, that would mean the turtle is not abandoning the sea to predators that might harm the sea. Well, I suppose if I try, I could tread it as the turtle not abandoning the sea to predators elsewhere. But it didn't seem clear to me. And I think you're right, the metaphor didn't really come over.

Worth working on, though, Sharra. You've a good idea here.

[oranggunung]

Hi Sharra

I’m afraid I missed the double intent here too. I liked the choice of language in S1 and S2. S3 appears to be a turning point. I think this is where the duality of the poem needs to be reinforced, but, as Brian, I found S3 to focus solely on the turtle.

S4 was the most challenging part for me, as the flow of the words stutters. In particular, the last line:


to the sharpness of waiting predators.

“Predators” is a very syllable-rich word and interrupted my reading.

I thought the greatest threat to turtles on beaches was the newly-hatched youngsters, not the adult female. Perhaps my reading was derailed more than I realised.

I’m sure there are ways you can encourage the ambiguity of your descriptions. The style is very gentle and relaxing. Reminds me of fleeting views of turtles while SCUBA diving.

og

[Sharra]

Og - thanks for your thoughts.
You're right about predators, and it's duly chopped

New version posted
Sharra
xx

[Susan-Morris3]

I didn't quite see the pregnant woman in your poem, but the sea turtle , thought it was just about that,so as i read it, I was thinking, turtles leave there eggs and the babies fend for themselves, was a bit confused. Also. " curl your toes." Do turtles have toes? I thought, and fastens herself to you, errr turtles don't do that. So was glad you put my aching brain at rest with your explanation. I therefore conclude that this poem doesn't work, unless you had an illustration to go along side it. But feel if you need a picture to help people work out whats going on, the poem needs to have a clearer meaning. my opinion anyway.

[Ros]

Hi Sharra,

I rather miss the rest of the turtle imagery! I'm also finding the transition to human rather abrupt, though I like the sea metaphor. I wonder if you need a bit more about the turtle laying eggs - at present the full to the brim bit is rather obscure and not developed. You could then move on to the human and it would be obvious that we're talking about reproducing. Sorry, don't think this one is quite there yet.

Ros