Walking on Water, Living on Land

[brianedwards]

Walking on Water, Living on Land

[tab][/tab]On sand soft enough to swallow a child, on a shoreline raked by flotsam-jetsam fingers of jilted Gods, whose beards tangle ankles of complacent paddlers, I place my finite feet, one in front of the other.

[tab][/tab]Beaches breed more tragedies than miracles and death salts the sea air, but a child's mind, more brilliant than the most peregrine fish, believes a kick can turn the tide and the end of his toe is merely the start of an infinite space which he will master.

[tab][/tab]No time for fear of drowning,
[tab][/tab]he places his feet
[tab][/tab]one in front of the other.







~

[Susan-Morris3]

Liked your poem Brian, a very nice piece to read and some lovely words, liked the first two lines, and the last three, not sure if i liked the word "begets." Seemed dated and old fashioned, and didn't fit in with your modern poem, but enjoyed reading it very nice. x

[brianedwards]

Thanks Susan.
I received a similar comment about "beget" from a colleague elsewhere and have changed. Was trying to be a bit grand, but I accept it was hitting the wrong note. Also nixed the tropical pools which I think was undercutting the more effective fish image.

Cheers.

B.

~

[Sharra]

Brian – I thought the opening line was fantastic! Just wow to that.
You have some really great imagery in here, up to your usual standard. I loved the shoreline raked with fingers, the peregrine fish, the kick turning the tide and the infinite space at the end of his toe.

However, I found it quite hard to read. I think in part because of the short lines, it felt quite jerky in places. I’m not sure whether you’re trying to create a deliberate stepping feel to it? But for me it interrupted the flow and didn’t give me space to absorb the images.

It also felt a bit overloaded here, just too many words crammed in I felt:

flotsam jetsam fingers
of jilted and jaded Gods,
whose beards tangle the ankles
of complacent paddlers

I liked the last 2 lines, and thought they drew it together well. I’m not 100% sure about ‘whole world to conquer’ though. It could just be me, but it felt a little over used.

Sharra
xx

[brianedwards]

Thanks Sharra. I think you could be right about the "whole world . . ." line.
I had a lot of trouble with the line breaks here. Often that tells me the line breaks are imposing too much form on the poem and that a prose poem format is perhaps suitable. I've posted a version without line breaks for comparison. I'd appreciate your input, if you have time, thanks.

B.

~

[Ros]

Enjoyed this, Brian. I don't have any trouble with most of your line breaks, and I prefer the first version to the prose poem. I agree with whole world... line being a bit commonplace.

In my opinion the repeated line 'one in front of the other' is more of a problem - it's ok at the end of the first section, but I don't think it's strong or original enough to be the linchpin that is then repeated at the end. You placing your adult, finite feet that way is fine, but a child surely has a lighter and much more random touch. Just a thought.

Ros

[brianedwards]

Thanks Ros. That the whole world...line is perhaps "commonplace" as you suggest isn't a problem for me, as I think it's completely within voice. The problem for me is more to do with pacing.
I will stick with the repetition of the feet, for now: I think the differing contexts of the adult feet and the child's feet, and the wholly different implications, are strong enough to hold.
Always appreciate honest feedback though Ros, and you never let me down in that respect.

B.

~

[Sharra]

It’s really interesting how seeing it differently highlights different parts of the writing - this is one I'd love to do a rl workshop on. For me this has a much more flowing feel to it, and shows how much the form was overshadowing the language.

I’m still uncomfortable with the Gods line, and I do take Ros’s point about the repetition of the feet ‘one in front of the other’ – it doesn’t really feel strong enough. Could you have him jumping/splashing into the waves? This will contrast between the ‘I’ who recognises the dangers and the child who doesn’t.

Ok as you asked for input, here’s an off the top of my head quick and dirty edit. I’ve changed the end, I don’t think it’s right but just gives an idea of what I mentioned above. Feel free to ignore of course.

On sand soft enough to swallow a child, on a shoreline raked
by the fingers of jilted Gods, I place my finite feet,
.............................................................one in front of the other.
Beaches breed more tragedies than miracles
and death salts the sea air, but a child's mind,
more brilliant than the most peregrine fish,
believes a kick can turn the tide and the end of his toe
is merely the start of an infinite space which he will master.
No time for fear of drowning, he splashes his feet
...........................................................through the crashing waves.

Sharra
xx

[Ros]

I fear we may never see eye to eye on many things, Brian, but perhaps we can be more useful to each other that way

Ros

[brianedwards]

It’s really interesting how seeing it differently highlights different parts of the writing - this is one I'd love to do a rl workshop on. For me this has a much more flowing feel to it, and shows how much the form was overshadowing the language.

I’m still uncomfortable with the Gods line, and I do take Ros’s point about the repetition of the feet ‘one in front of the other’ – it doesn’t really feel strong enough. Could you have him jumping/splashing into the waves? This will contrast between the ‘I’ who recognises the dangers and the child who doesn’t.

Ok as you asked for input, here’s an off the top of my head quick and dirty edit. I’ve changed the end, I don’t think it’s right but just gives an idea of what I mentioned above. Feel free to ignore of course.

On sand soft enough to swallow a child, on a shoreline raked
by the fingers of jilted Gods, I place my finite feet,
.............................................................one in front of the other.
Beaches breed more tragedies than miracles
and death salts the sea air, but a child's mind,
more brilliant than the most peregrine fish,
believes a kick can turn the tide and the end of his toe
is merely the start of an infinite space which he will master.
No time for fear of drowning, he splashes his feet
...........................................................through the crashing waves.

Sharra
xx

Thanks for coming back Sharra. I'll think some more on the Gods line, but I think I'm sticking with the end. I am satisfied there is enough unspoken drama in the simple repetition and am reluctant to try to impose something more dramatic or poetic by adding more description. I do appreciate your thoughts though.

I fear we may never see eye to eye on many things, Brian, but perhaps we can be more useful to each other that way

Amen to that Ros

Posted another revision.

Cheers.

B.

~

[Arian]

Hi Brian. First, I loved the images in this, very strong. And I had no problem with the repetition of feet, I thought it gave the piece a sort of temporal, as well as literal, symmetry, if that makes sense. Maybe not. Anyway, perhaps it's just the sad old reactionary in me, but I do find the quasi-prose form of the first sections detract from it. For me, something closer to Sharra’s suggestion would make it into a really strong piece (what were we saying about nits being subjective?). Form apart though, it's great – inspirational imagery.

[Mr. Madeleine]

Hi Brian,

At first sight, it looked like a haibun. I find the prose part a bit too self-conscious, especially the “flotsam-jetsam fingers of jilted Gods”, which seemed a force alliteration to me. I like it in itself, perhaps within a more accordant context. I also think it would work better after you’ve established rhythm a bit more firmly, to make it a contrast rather than an abrupt string of falling (trochaic) words. I like “finite feet.”

My second nit would be for “peregrine fish”; for me, a peregrine is a falcon, and I find it too discordant as an adjective for “fish” to create a visual. I feel that visuals lack in the second part of the prose. “Miracles” and “death salts” don’t bring any concrete images to my mind.

I’d also revisit the first part. I don’t know whether you’ve meant this as a haiku. I’d try to keep well under 17 syllables, by pruning it of at least one preposition “of” and one of the pronouns in the second line, among others.

I hope this helps.

[brianedwards]

Hi Brian,

At first sight, it looked like a haibun. I find the prose part a bit too self-conscious, especially the “flotsam-jetsam fingers of jilted Gods”, which seemed a force alliteration to me. I like it in itself, perhaps within a more accordant context. I also think it would work better after you’ve established rhythm a bit more firmly, to make it a contrast rather than an abrupt string of falling (trochaic) words. I like “finite feet.”

My second nit would be for “peregrine fish”; for me, a peregrine is a falcon, and I find it too discordant as an adjective for “fish” to create a visual. I feel that visuals lack in the second part of the prose. “Miracles” and “death salts” don’t bring any concrete images to my mind.

I’d also revisit the first part. I don’t know whether you’ve meant this as a haiku. I’d try to keep well under 17 syllables, by pruning it of at least one preposition “of” and one of the pronouns in the second line, among others.

I hope this helps.

Thanks Mr M.

Yes, peregrine is an adjective applied to a particular kind of falcon, but the word can be traced back to late Latin, independent of its association with the bird.
This isn't a haibun, (the endlines are far from being a haiku, regardless of syllable count) though of course I am aware of the formal similarities. The current form is probably temporary while I think through the line breaks. Interestingly though, I have been working on an extended haibun sequence recently and hope to post it up here someday soon . . .
The use of 3 "big" abstracts (miracles, tragedies, death) is deliberate and kind of the point, really.
Reading this again earlier, I also had a problem with the flotsam-jetsam lines and they probably won't survive the next edit. Good call.
Appreciate your insights, thanks muchly.

B.
~