Patchwork - edited

[Sharra]

edited version
She slices old fabric and starts to sew.
The needle glides through skin, patterning
her shins. Dots of red burst on the surface,
white thread rusting as she draws blood
through the air and back.
Squares of leather patch her knees,
edges gnawed to softness, and layers of lace

flutter over her thighs. She can’t bear to stitch
herself closed, instead weaves purple cord
in and out of pubic hair. Lines up small hexagons
for the sag of her stomach, larger
to mask a spreading backside.
At her waist she re-measures, cuts blue cotton
to size, leaving her backbone exposed.

Small strips circle her breasts, then spiral
down her arms. Black leather wraps her throat
from collarbone to jaw. She rethreads in red, cuts
tiny diamonds like tears for her cheeks.
Standing in front of the mirror
she admires her new skin.

original
She rummages through remnants, slices them
geometrically and starts sewing. Small neat
stitches with a needle that glides
through her skin. Beginning at her ankles,
linen patterns her calf and shin.
Dots of red burst on the surface,
white thread rusting as she draws blood
through the air and back to her body.

Squares of leather patch her knees,
edges gnawed to softness. Layers of lace
cover her thighs – it flutters when she opens
and closes her knees. She can’t bear to stitch
herself closed, instead weaves purple cord
in and out of pubic hair. Lines up small hexagons
for the sagging curve of her stomach, larger
for the vast spread of her backside.

At her waist she stops, measures
with her hands, cuts cotton to size.
She leaves her backbone exposed,
knobbles protrude from the cloth
like faces from a bed. Smaller strips circle
her breasts, concentric around each nipple,
then spiral down her arms, twisting
elbows and wrists together.

Leather chokes her throat from collarbone
to jaw, holding her face forwards.
She rethreads in red. Cuts
tiny diamonds that she stitches like tears
to her face. Standing in front of the mirror
she admires her new skin, its colours
yellow, green, black, blue, purple, blue,
purple, red
red
red.

[David]

This seems like a bizarre and troubling modern Greek myth (or a Grimm fairy tale). They were pretty gory too. I can't tell if there are implications of abuse or self-harm in here, but I wouldn't be surprised.

Some nice details in amongst the Grand Guignol embroidery.

Cheers

David

[Lovely]

S1 is glorius.

What a beautiful poet you Are.


Love xx

[rushme]

modern day myth - of the punk world maybe? i don't know i'm only guessing.

I feel too many gory details - the length goes against the impact - less would be more:

She rummages through remnants,
slices - geometrically.
Starts sewing. Small stitches glide
through her skin.

Linen patterns on her calf, shin.
Red dots burst on the surface,
white thread rusting - she draws blood -
through the air, back to her body.

Leaves her backbone exposed,
smaller strips circle her breasts,
concentric around each nipple,
spiralling down her arms,
twisting elbows and wrists together.

Squares of leather patch her knees,
lines up small hexagons
for the sagging curve of her stomach.

She can’t bear to stitch herself close -

instead weaves purple cord
in and out of pubic hair.

Leather chokes her throat from collarbone
to jaw.

She cuts tiny diamonds - stitches,
standing in front of the mirror,
admiring her new face.

She threads & rethreads in red.


hope you don't mind me hijacking the poem like that - take what you will - hope it helps. I really think paring it down would have a greater impact & more intensity.

Reminded me of a book i read: women who run with the wolves

[ray miller]

Whatever you're trying to convey it's not easy to pick out. If I'd wrote something like this it would be about covering poor self esteem or body dysmorphia but who knows? I'm not even sure what you mean by slicing geometrically.And then why purple for pubic hair, why the backbone left exposed? Looking at the last sentence, it's almost a depiction of domestic abuse.

I think you should have "linen patterns calves and shins" for the sounded meaning of calves.

[Suzanne]

Sharra,

I wanted to say something because I have been here quite a few times loitering over this one. It is very uncomfortable to read. I suppose that could be a desired response. I am going to keep coming back to it until I get a good picture of what exactly is going on but had to say something since I have been oogling it silently since you posted it....

I quilt and love scraps, I just can get through it without having a strong reaction. I will be back. Sorry I am not being more helpful, but maybe I am? heh... I just don't know.

Suzanne

[Sharra]

Thanks for the thoughts guys
This is one of those that came out of an image - the quilting on skin, I had the first draft before I really knew what it was about. It's supposed to be about the negative things we do to ourselves, creating a new image for ourself, harming ourselves in the process etc etc, I also wanted something about ageing in there too, and how we cover that up - hence the sagging stomach.

So David re the self harm/abuse thing, yes you're right.
Rushme - thanks for the suggestions, I probably will tighten it a little, although probably not as much as you suggest as I think to do so would lose my 'voice' in it.
Lovely, I'm glad you liked it.
Ray - purple just somehow seemed appropriate, but I was slightly unsure about it myself as its the only mention of colour before the end. The geometrically sliced is her cutting cloth into geometrical shapes for quilting.
Suzanne - it's actually really great that you have had such a strong reaction to it so thanks for posting
Sharra
xx

[Ros]

Fascinating, Sharra. The images are meticulous and ucky! I think the main problem is that we’re not sure what the underlying meaning is - I often find this too, there’s a great idea for a poem and you can extend the metaphor, but the overall point is a bit fuzzy. It’s too elaborate I think to work as an image of self harm, and rather too surreal to be about changing as we age, unless you emphasise that in more detail. You need some more powerful ending than her just admiring the result - perhaps the fairy story idea is the way to go, as it has that aura about it. Enjoyed it though, a nice change from the usual run of poems!

In detail, I’d tighten it up a bit:

She rummages through remnants, slices them
geometrically. Small neat stitches
with a needle that glides
through skin. Beginning at her ankles,
linen patterns her calf and shin.
Dots of red burst on the surface,
white thread rusting as she draws blood
through air.

- I’ve chopped bits from this verse so the line endings would probably need adjusting

Squares of leather patch her knees,
edges gnawed to softness. Layers of lace
cover her thighs – it flutters when she opens - I’d remove the flutter bit, it adds length and is distracting from the main image -
and closes her knees. She can’t bear to stitch
herself closed, instead weaves purple cord
in and out of pubic hair. Lines up small hexagons
for the sagging of her stomach, larger
for the spread of her backside.

At her waist she stops, measures
with her hands, cuts cotton to size.
She leaves her backbone exposed,
knobbles protrude from the cloth - protruding, or you have a comma splice?
like faces from a bed. Smaller strips circle - the like faces image is strange, and like the flutters part I think maybe distracts from the main images
her breasts, concentric around each nipple,
then spiral down her arms, twisting
elbows and wrists together.

Leather chokes her throat from collarbone
to jaw, holding her face forwards.
She rethreads in red. Cuts
tiny diamonds that she stitches like tears
to her face. Standing in front of the mirror - think from here onward you need a stronger ending - what does she intend to do with this new body? Perhaps seduce?
she admires her new skin, its colours
yellow, green, black, blue, purple, blue,
purple, red

[Susan-Morris3]

I have been to have a look at this poem before and had to re read it quite a few times although I have mixed emotions about it. Very macabre poem, yet i do not find it distasteful, in fact i like it. I like the way you write very much.
Reminds me of a film I saw, cant remember the name of it, where a guy makes a mask out of human skin.
Would make great opening credits to a horror movie was my first thought on your poem. x

[Sharra]

Ros there's some good suggestions there, thanks for those
And Susan - it's interesting how everyone seems to find it macabre/disturbing, when it was't as all as I was writing it hehe
Sharra
xx

[Sharra]

edited version posted
Sharra
xx

[Suzanne]

Sharra,

It is very disturbing. I think that it is not the gory nature of it but the sadness of it.
It is a very sad poem. She is trying so very hard to become renewed, her efforts are sincere and even thoughtfully planned and although she can look in the mirror at the end and see that she is changed... everyone else will see it is just patchworked skin to cover something up. Never under estimate the power of self dellusion.

a very sad poem with a lot of power.
Suzanne

[Susan-Morris3]

Yes i like the edited version much better. Still just as macabre if not more so than before, but there is something I cant put my finger on that makes me like it, the X Factor maybe? And I agree with you sharra, a very sad feeling came over me when I read this poem, felt very sorry for her attempts to change her self, thought she was maybe trying to change how she felt on the inside rather than her appearance. A strange yet very interesting poem. well written, well edited, well done. x