Into a cavern of open space, I shall descend
Where the chaos of silence will mute my voice
There will be peace for me
I trod through the tar under the shadows of giants
Among mechanical mules and their fumes and waste
Pass contorted faces warped and dismayed
Searching in vain for fortune and fame
As they suffocate within their principled chambers
And ponder on life while it passes them by
Forgetting to breathe: starved and depraved
Their pale flesh ignites in the harsh florescent blaze
While the lonely wind howls outside the cold frosty glass
Alas! They seek the hands on the wall as it steadily revolves
Numb as the heart that beats within them all are these hands
These hands
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lemur
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 138
- Joined: Thu Oct 06, 2005 12:40 pm
- Location: Edinburgh, traitor that I am
Hello Skript,
For me the merits of this one (for example, the way you've kept up the 'a' assonance scheme) are outweighed by the preaching tone of the language - maybe it's me, but instinctively I don't like to see words like principled, depraved, etc, becuase it feels I'm being preached at rather than shown images and left to make up my own mind.
I can see what you're trying to do with the poem, but not sure this technique is the best way to go about it. Also, the first 3 lines, where the speaker distances himself from the main body of the poem, and uses words like 'shall', give the impression that he's morally superior to the people described in the main stanza. This may be what you were striving for, but to me it just instantly makes me dislike the speaker.
Finally, I think you could do more with some of the adjectives. The lonely wind and cold frosty glass seem a little predictable?
For me the merits of this one (for example, the way you've kept up the 'a' assonance scheme) are outweighed by the preaching tone of the language - maybe it's me, but instinctively I don't like to see words like principled, depraved, etc, becuase it feels I'm being preached at rather than shown images and left to make up my own mind.
I can see what you're trying to do with the poem, but not sure this technique is the best way to go about it. Also, the first 3 lines, where the speaker distances himself from the main body of the poem, and uses words like 'shall', give the impression that he's morally superior to the people described in the main stanza. This may be what you were striving for, but to me it just instantly makes me dislike the speaker.
Finally, I think you could do more with some of the adjectives. The lonely wind and cold frosty glass seem a little predictable?