girl

[Sharra]

He won’t notice if I sit in the shade,
and trace the shadows of leaves on your face
as the sun fades away. We sit and sip
from glasses so clear our wine seems suspended
in mid-air, and I become braver and kiss you
for the first time – a whisper telling
you my secret. These days he’s so busy,
doesn’t see that the girl he knew is now a girl
like you, who has slipped away on the outgoing
tide, to a new shore where the waves lick
my feet instead of crashing me against rocks.
And where we’ll count the sandpipers peppered
on the beach, listening to their cries, until
we’ve walked so far there’s no going back.

[brianedwards]

Love it. First read, love it. I think I just heard the gloves slip off, but in an ever so stylish way.

Will be back to look for nits, but on this read ---- just pure enjoyment.

Delicious.

B.

~

[Marc]

Beautiful.
Marc

[oranggunung]

Hi Sharra

This is honey to read, but the sense eludes me in the congested format. The he/we alternation does my head in. There are beautiful images here, but some lines seem intended to confuse:


a whisper telling you my secret.

Methinks I try to understand too much. I should just listen to the waves and the sandpipers.

og

[David]

You kissed a girl - and I like it.

Or have I just got this completely wrong?

Cheers

David

[brianedwards]

Just had to visit this once more b4 hitting the pillow.
Yes, still enjoying it. The line lengths and breaks are really fine, especially 10 --- cheeky!

G'night!

B.

~

[Sharra]

Thanks guys - yup David, spot on
Sharra
xx

[Wabznasm]

This is great, Nicky. I've got maybe two teeny suggestions (maybe three), but the majority is very good. The wine glass image is superb.

These days he’s so busy,
doesn’t see that the girl he knew is now a girl -- i didn't think you needed the poeticised 'doesn't see' and instead could just use 'he doesn't see' without a comma.

doesn’t see that the girl he knew is now a girl
like you, who has slipped away on the outgoing
tide, to a new shore where the waves lick
my feet instead of crashing me against rocks. -- you've gone from third person 'he knew is now a girl' to first person 'my feet... crashing me'. It's not confusing, but I do think it may be grammatically a little off. What about 'her feet instead of crashing her against the rocks'?

'part from that, this is great. Nice to see you've got still the magic when it comes to the lyric.
Dave

[Sharra]

Thanks Dave
Some points to think about there - I too wasn't sure about the grammar of bringing it back to the first person - but I wanted it to be firmly there for the last lines, so I wasn't sure of the best place to switch back. I spose I could get round it with
is now a girl
like you, and I've slipped away
but somehow it doesn't flow as well.
Any thoughts?
Sharra
xx

[Wabznasm]

You could change the line I suggested and still leave it as 'we' at the end. That isn't jarring at all for me, especially since you've got a new sentence justifying the change. Easier than changing the bit you suggested.

[brianedwards]

Thanks Dave
Some points to think about there - I too wasn't sure about the grammar of bringing it back to the first person - but I wanted it to be firmly there for the last lines, so I wasn't sure of the best place to switch back. I spose I could get round it with
is now a girl
like you, and I've slipped away
but somehow it doesn't flow as well.
Any thoughts?
Sharra
xx

That works for me.

[Ros]

Think you should be very proud of this one. Nicely subtle, particularly

doesn’t see that the girl he knew is now a girl
like you,

Very impressive.

Ros

[Arian]

Yes, very smooth and some great images. I do agree that the change in person in L11 is a teensy bit of a jar, and - as you say - your own suggested solution doesn't sound as rhythmical, somehow. Still, aside from this slight technical problem, it's great. Looks like rave reviews all round on this one - quite rightly.
peter

[Elphin]

Plaudits Sharra - poetically strong, clever use of line breaks and rhymes and emotive too.

A couple of observations -

do you need mid air or does suspended carry the image on its own?

tide, to a new shore where the waves lick
my feet instead of crashing me against rocks

is an image central to the whole poem and I wonder if this might be stronger with the strong "r" sounds and no "ing" to weaken it

my feet rather than crash me against the rocks

Loud applause

elph

[brianedwards]

Interesting points Elph, but I think this is an instance where the ~ing sound is absolutely necessary, carrying as it does that sense of motion.
Furthermore, "instead of" with its harder t, d and v sounds sets this up effectively, almost like feet being dragged before the inevitable crashing into rocks. "rather than" is considerably less affecting, to my ear.

I vote keep as is.

B.

~

[Ross.E]

Beautiful flow, mesmerising.

Ross

[Lovely]

A beautiful Stanza.

You express well.

Thanks

[OwenEdwards]

David, one thing: I can't BELIEVE you're quoting modern pop music. You're so EMBARASSING. Go listen to Cliff Richard or Little Richard or Miles Davies or something!

Sharra: Really lovely. My nit has kinda been broached before: we/she.

The entire passage:

a whisper telling
you my secret. These days he’s so busy,
doesn’t see that the girl he knew is now a girl
like you,

is a bit obtuse. The whisper/secret thing is a bit old hat to me, and the "girl like you" isn't explicit enough for my limited brain; who is that girl? Presumably the girl of the title. But it just felt messy in the middle, less clear, less precise.

But I thought it was, otherwise, absolutely great, sensitive and beautiful.

[ray miller]

I missed this until today. It is extremely good, loved those internal rhymes, shade-fades, clear-mid-air, and lines 10 and 11 are so subtle, clever and sensual. To die for....
Brilliant.

[Sharra]

wow - thanks for all the comments guys, sorry I haven't responded before, I've been flat out this week - they're all really appreciated.

David, one thing: I can't BELIEVE you're quoting modern pop music. You're so EMBARASSING. Go listen to Cliff Richard or Little Richard or Miles Davies or something!

Owen - wait till he tells you he's wearing Cherry Chapstick as well
Sharra
xx

[Ros]

Owen - wait till he tells you he's wearing Cherry Chapstick as well

Cherry Chapstick - sounds like a music-hall comedian...

[David]

Ahem. I did quote it, but I didn't say I'd heard it.

Ah yes, Miles Davies, one of the best centre forwards Wales ever had. Anyway, I'm off now, to polish my elbow patches and practice my golf swing.

Who is Cherry Chapstick? Is she a friend of Penelope Pitstop's?

[thoke]

I think the first five lines are good, mainly because of the clever wine image, and the general niceness of kissing somebody in the park (or wherever you are).

Later on I was confused by who "he" was, and the sea imagery didn't seem to illuminate anything. Also, the line breaks seem arbitrary.

So I'd have another go at this if I were you.

Ben