A woman in her elegance,
smeared some lipstick on her sad- fixed smile.
She linked arms with the man who had tassels on his shoes.
They drank sugar coated coffee
while listening to the blues-
what a silly thing to do.
Then the man with silly shoes,
quickly kissed the girl who loved the blues.
Then, wiping lipstick off his face,
he pulled from a quick embrace.
The tragic broken romance was on the early news.
His mother warned him 'bout the type,
her daddy held her while she cried,
and for a while everything was fine, fine, fine.
...But the coffee felt alone, and sought comfort in the sugar.
The snappers and the singers sang their songs to empty chairs.
And I am trying not to cry because-
it’s a silly thing:
to care.
A bit of sarcasm, different for me, but I like it for what it is saying.
that girl.
Blue
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camus
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"The tragic broken romance was on the early news. "
In my opinion reading the poem again, and acting on your request, I'd say that the above line is too dramatic, even in the comedic sense, just doesn't fit the tragi comic style, well it does fit A tragi comic style, just not this one.
I'd also say the switching from the human element to personifying the coffee is too abrupt, what was the point in that? Was there a plan at all to the poem or was it all random?
Just my opinon, and the questions are legitimate, I'd like to know.
Its always difficult adding critique without seeming offensive, but I think what the hell, I'm not offended by constructive crit so why should anyone else be.
That said I still very much enjoyed the tone and content.
In my opinion reading the poem again, and acting on your request, I'd say that the above line is too dramatic, even in the comedic sense, just doesn't fit the tragi comic style, well it does fit A tragi comic style, just not this one.
I'd also say the switching from the human element to personifying the coffee is too abrupt, what was the point in that? Was there a plan at all to the poem or was it all random?
Just my opinon, and the questions are legitimate, I'd like to know.
Its always difficult adding critique without seeming offensive, but I think what the hell, I'm not offended by constructive crit so why should anyone else be.
That said I still very much enjoyed the tone and content.