Close

[Mic]

It's like a sauna inside our friendship:
there we sit on the smooth slatted shelves,
personalities undressed, intimate,
accustomed to each others' naked selves.

It gets hot in here, but we never sweat
the small stuff. Prolonged heat produces great
hilarity, I theorise, then stretch
yet another tall story out of shape

while you flex your intellect. I reveal
that my bedroom door and windows vanish
while I sleep; that the bus conductress' heels
and ruby lips are out of sync. You swish

an old jumper from your bag (mine, mended
by your hand with an 'invisible' knit)
and wordlessly you cup my cheek. When did
we get so close? I can't see a single stitch.


Original:-

It's like a sauna inside our friendship:
there we sit on the smooth slatted shelves,
personalities undressed, intimate,
accustomed to each others' naked selves.

It gets hot in here, but we never sweat
the small stuff; prolonged heat produces great
hilarity, I theorise, then stretch
yet another tall story out of shape

while you flex your intellect. I reveal
that the bedroom door and windows vanish
while I sleep; that the bus conductress' heels
and ruby lips are out of sync. You swish

an old jumper from your bag (mine, mended
by your hand with an 'invisible' knit)
and wordlessly you cup my cheek. When did
we get so close? I can't see a single stitch.

Sometimes when tempers rise we sit red-faced
through over-heated days; but after,
always after, this safe and well-made place
we share, bursts - just over-flows - with laughter.

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Micaela,

It seemed a strange analogy to begin with, but I think you've pulled it off.

I particularly liked the use of line breaks in S2 - not everyone's cup of tea, I know..

I suspect that some people will suggest that you omit the last verse, because
When did
we get so close? I can't see a single stitch.
- makes a strong ending.

The last stanza confused me a little, at first, due to the combination of punctuation and line-breaks.

Sometimes, when tempers rise, we sit red-faced
through over-heated days; but after,
always after, this safe and well-made place
we share bursts, just over-flows, with laughter.

This would be better IMHO
Sometimes, when tempers rise, we sit red-faced
through over-heated days; but after, always after,
this safe and well-made place we share
bursts, just over-flows, with laughter.

Great read
Geoff

[dillingworth]

I really liked this, though I agree that it could be improved by either redrafting or cutting the final stanza. I thought that "bursts - just over-flows" was a bit weak - sounds like you're padding the line out to fit the meter. there are some lovely bits of wordplay here, and the line breaks worked for me too. i also enjoyed the tension set up in your initial image by the intimate yet possibly stifling atmosphere of the sauna.

[David]

Yep, I agree, a fine tribute to a good friendship. I admire the way you realise - and illustrate - the importance of humour and laughter.

I love the surreal detail of what you reveal in S3 and, yes, I agree with Geoff and dill, you could lose that final stanza.

Cheers

David

[Arian]

Hi Mic

I confess that the first line made me think that you were setting a course for cliché, but no: a nice surprise and a pleasant read, especially with

we never sweat
the small stuff; prolonged heat produces great
hilarity, I theorise, then stretch
yet another tall story out of shape

while you flex your intellect.

Which I admired a lot.

On the other hand, the lines

You swish

an old jumper from your bag (mine, mended
by your hand with an 'invisible' knit)

Made me wonder whether you lover/friend is male or female. Not that it matters, and I’m conscious of sounding indelicate.

Nice work
peter

[Tamara Beryl Latham]

Mic wrote:

It's like a sauna inside our friendship:
there we sit on the smooth slatted shelves,
personalities undressed, intimate,
accustomed to each others' naked selves.

It gets hot in here, but we never sweat
the small stuff; prolonged heat produces great
hilarity, I theorise, then stretch
yet another tall story out of shape

**Ah! The heat of love is evident from just the words in the rhyming line breaks.

while you flex your intellect. I reveal
that the bedroom door and windows vanish
while I sleep; that the bus conductress' heels
and ruby lips are out of sync. You swish

***bus conductress' heels is a bit of a tongue twister. Perhaps "that the ruby lips and heels on the bus conductress are out of sync? Just an opinion.

an old jumper from your bag (mine, mended
by your hand with an 'invisible' knit)
and wordlessly you cup my cheek. When did
we get so close? I can't see a single stitch.

***You've woven a nice pattern here.

Sometimes when tempers rise we sit red-faced
through over-heated days; but after,
always after, this safe and well-made place
we share, bursts - just over-flows - with laughter.

***As others have stated, ou may want to substitute "just over-flows" with something else, as these words detract from the poem.

Nicely done! I enjoyed the verse, especially the end-rhymes.

Best,

[brianedwards]

Michaela,

Not sure about the last two lines of S1, but do find much to enjoy in this draft. Will be back.

B.

~

[ray miller]

Long time since I saw "swish", very enjoyable poem. Thought it dipped a bit at "prolonged heat produces great hilarity, I theorise" but the 4th verse is very good and probably best to end there.

[Mic]

Yeah, it is a bit of a wierd analogy Geoff. Glad you think it worked though, well sort of at least. As you predicted, everyone thinks the last verse should be chopped. So I've chopped it.

I'm pleased you picked up on the 'close/close' thing dill - and that you liked the poem. Thanks.

David - surreal, but true. The telly was completely out of sync the other night, on all the channels and so I gave up on it in the end. When I went to catch my bus the next day, I had this mildly terrifying thought that when the conductor asked to see my ticket, her lips would be out of sync too. Now you'll think me really wierd.

Delicacy is an overrated trait in my opinion Peter!

Thankyou Tamara. This is my first attempt at writing something with a 'scheme' (so I did the 10-syllable, ABAB ryhme thing). Glad you liked the end ryhmes. (The whole thing took bloody AGES to write).

I'm disappointed that you aren't so keen on the last two lines of S1 Brian. They seemed important to me. I think I was even quite pleased with them. Now I'm not so sure. (I'm so easily influenced).

Thanks Ray. Yup, the 4th verse seems the place to stop.

Michaela