currently untitled

[Bardialus]

I see you
notice the smile spread accross your face
as you turn to meet my gaze

I watch you
see the dance in your step
as you flit around the bar

I sit here
building the courage to speak
not knowing the right words to use

I meet you
sit and laugh and talk with you
as the night draws to an end

I kiss you
and know words are pointless
right here at this time

I hold you
feeling the warmth of you next to me
as I drift away to sleep

I feel you
moving in your sleep
as good dreams turn bad

I calm you
with reassuring words of comfort
through your veil of sleep

I love you

[lemur]

Hi Bardialus,

This is sweetly written, but I'm afraid it didn't too much for me. The repetitive format of I see you, I kiss you, etc, quickly became predictable and I don't think it adds anything to what you're trying to say.

I felt the poem would have benefitted from some original imagery, quirky insights, as the way it stands it's all a bit prosaic.

[Bardialus]

Thanks for the comments Lemur,

I appreciate the points you made about the piece.
I shall have another look at it and let you know of what happens to it