self-correction (not for the squeamish)

[oranggunung]

A sharp blade moves slowly across pale flesh.
The metal bites into its fresh host,
making a small mouth. The lips part
and another silent cry of anguish
is joined by crimson tears.

Scar lines abound
like so many crossings out;
the mistakes are simple to spot,
when you’re such a harsh marker.

[Sulpicia]

Well, that's an instant slap around the face. This is what I do instead of self-harming. Is it meant to be metapoetic?! I don't spot anything I'd like to change, but wonder if it might go further. It feels like a narrative set up that could be developed.
Helen

[Ros]

Strong images, but I wonder if you could do better than

silent cry of anguish

which is a bit of a cliche...


Ros

[Marc]

Or are you a surgeon?! (if so presumably you keep operating on the same patient...unsuccessfully!)
Nicely (is that the right word I wonder?) written, though I take Ros's point and concur.

I wonder though if the 'lips part' is a reference to the opening wound, then rather than crimson (could you use a fresher colour word there?) tears wouldn't it be crimson saliva (or spit or dribble...) not so poetic I know, but otherwise you've got tears coming from a mouth!

hmm, just my thoughts fwtw,
Marc

[brianedwards]

I suggest cutting the whole of the 1st stanza and listening to how it reads -- far stronger I think. Really drives home the "point" and adds much more weight to that clever title.

Just a thought.

B.

~

[Tamara Beryl Latham]

A sharp blade moves slowly across pale flesh.
The metal bites into its fresh host,
making a small mouth. The lips part
and another silent cry of anguish
is joined by crimson tears.

***Here in the US one would think it's about a mugging, where the victim has been stabbed.

Scar lines abound
like so many crossings out;
the mistakes are simple to spot,
when you’re such a harsh marker.

***Yet, here you use "crossings out," When one undergoes surgery, the wound suture has black crosses, and a scar. The mistakes
could be from a surgeon's error, or a teacher who has graded a paper in red ink, and the student "cries in anguish," at the "0" he/she received in red ink, or marker. The "0" grade also looks like parted lips. The harsh marker could be the Professor. Yet, in the first strophe you've used "pale flesh, and this could be metaphor that the student actually feels this bad grade as a knife through the flesh."

So, I deduce either a Surgeon, as Marc suggested, or a Professor who is a harsh marker. The crimson tears could be the student crying over his paper and the red ink spreading over the paper from the water touching the red ink, "zero."

I noticed the last word in your poem was marker. So, it is possible this is about a student's paper. I found the following:

Protective shield for a felt tip pen - Patent 4453849
A protective shield for a felt tip pen is provided for spacing the ink-laden ... with the end of the pen barrel when said blade is received thereinto, ... to a protective device for use with a so-called felt tip pen to prevent ink from ...
http://www.freepatentsonline.com/4453849.html
by MJ Fernandez - 1984 - Cited by 5 - Related articles - All 2 versions

These shields are used for felt tip "markers," and specifically mention "blade."

So, my take is more than likely it is a surgeon, but it may well be a paper graded in "red marker."

The poem is beautifully written, and I'm probably going to take a lot of slack for my opinion.

Crimson is a beautiful word,as is scarlet, but a little over used. Maybe vermilion, carmine, claret, or cherry.

Best,

Tamara

[ray miller]

I thought the 2nd verse was very good. It's an accurate and concise description of the self-harming mindset. Could also be applied to poetry critique, of course.

[Sulpicia]

Ray, you seem to be my evil twin.
Helen

[Arian]

Tightly written with some excellent imagery - good stuff, og.
peter

[ray miller]

Helen, that's unfair. Why am I the baddie? Why can't I you be the evil twin?

Mr Hyde

[Suzanne]

Hi.

I thought this was very well written. I have been back to visit a few times because kept poking me. lol.
I would not have used the word fresh with host. Although i really thought host was great, fresh had images of the produce section as opposed to something unused.

I liked the last lines very much.
Suzanne