Fedde's Night

[stuartryder]

Here's another edit...

Fedde's Night \ refracted

Fedde finished work late
Locked out from home
Dumped

the flowers

In a rainy wrapping
Slid along

the jennel

Tracing
Graffiti from “Mind”
Dodging

the piss

Came out overlooking

the Park

On past

the Tudor museum

Kicked a Finkbrau bottle
Surprised a grey rat
Couldn’t be sure if

the rustles

Were murderers or badgers
What-the-heck Fedde carried on

Out to

the bus stop

Cityscape twinkling like
Ball-bearings in dark oil

The giant wheel

The baroque town hall

The ramped roads

The bold lamps

The hospital

The university

The nascent skyscrapers

Got onboard

the number 43

Town pal
At any given point he got off
Shot off to

the nearest pub

And across from him

The noodle bar

Wafted
He envied

the Chinese

Their dexterity with chopsticks
A couple of pints later
Forgot such jealousies

Steeled himself for

the Steel City

Open Mic
Stick out your neck in

the heartland

The Blades

Fedde thought he’d better
Write something quick



*****
2nd version:
Fedde’s night

Fedde finished work late
Got locked out at home
Had to dump the bunch of flowers
In their rainy wrapping
Made his way along the jennel
Tracing the latest
Graffiti from Mind2010
Dodging the piss
Came out on top of the Park
Past the old Tudor museum house
Kicked a Finkbrau bottle
Surprised a grey rat
Couldn’t be sure if the rustles
Were murderers or badgers
Fedde figured what the heck
Carried on and out to the bus stop
The cityscape like ballbearings
swirling in dark oil
The giant wheel
The baroque town hall
The ramped roads
The bold lamps
The hospital
The university
The nascent skyscrapers
Got on the number 43
Town please
Well it stopped anywhere along the route
He got off he shot off to the nearest pub
And across the street
The noodle bar wafted
He envied the Chinese
Their dexterity with chopsticks
A couple of pints later
He forgot such petty jealousies
Steeled himself in the Steel City
Open Mic
stick out your neck
In the heartland of the Blades
Fedde thought he’d better
Write something quick


*
ORIGINAL:
Fedde finished work late
Got locked out at home
Had to dump the bunch of flowers
Drowned and recipientless
Made his way along the ginnel
Tracing the latest
Graffiti from Mind2010
Dodging the piss
Came out on top of the Park
Past the old Tudor museum house

Kicked a Finkbrau bottle
Hit the door surprised a grey rat
Couldn’t be sure if the rustles
Were murderers or badgers
Fedde figured what the heck
Carried on and out to the bus stop
The cityscape like ballbearings swirling in dark oil
The giant wheel and the baroque town hall
The ramped roads with their bold lamps
The hospital the university the nascent skyscrapers

Got on the number 43 town please
Well it stopped anywhere along the route
He got off he shot off to the nearest pub
And across the street the noodle bar wafted
He envied the Chinese their dexterity with chopsticks
A couple of pints later he forgot such petty jealousies
He steeled himself in the Steel City
Open Mic, stick out your neck
In the heartland of the Blades
Fedde thought he’d better write something quick

[Tamara Beryl Latham]

stuartrider.

I'm not too familiar with the English landscape and lingo, but I'll give it a try. My take is that his wife was angry because he arrived home late, and wouldn't accept the flowers. He jumped on the train, had chinese food, then got drunk and ended up in a poetry lounge with an open mic. He quickly wrote something to read.

I liked your use of language in this line, as it gives a very vivid impression of the city landscape at night.

The cityscape like ballbearings swirling in dark oil

A line that I didn't understand is the following:

Drowned and recipientless

Recipientless is a tongue twister and slows down the fast pace of the read, and drowned, unless this is an English expression would indicate that he had died. There was no mention of water, prior to this line, so I didn't understand the "drowned," metaphor, unless you are referring to drowned in his sorrows.

In the US, the heartland of the blades would be taken as a district where gangs hang out (Bloods and Crypts) for example, that carry switch blades, but I don't know if this is what it is in England.

You mentioned the bus stopped "anywhere" on the route. Should that have been "everywhere?" Our buses here in the US have a set route, and will not stop just anywhere, but they would stop everywhere on the route.

Yet, the poem was fast moving, except for L4. Other than that the poem was well-written, and a keeper. You made the reader feel as if he were on that 43 bus.

Thanks for posting.

Best,

Tamara

[brianedwards]

Tamara,
City of Steel refers to the English city of Sheffield in South Yorkshire. "Blades" is the nickname of a local football (soccer) team.

Stuart,
An enjoyable and atmospheric tour of the city at night. You know I love urban tales and the mood of this is right up my street.
Often the lack of punctuation in modern poetry reads like a gimmick, but here it really adds to the poem, creating a breathless tension. When lines start with caps, readers naturally treat each line as a metrical unit, and so some of the longer lines are difficult to read. That may well be intentional, and I may be out of shape, but I got choked a couple of times. The line that Tamara flagged as particularly liking was the one I had most trouble getting through (although I do like the image.)
Two other things occurred to me during re-reads. Although poetic license allows us to get away with pretty much what we want, I think poets, like writers in any medium, have to consider their audience at some level and how the work impacts on them. Whatever internal rules a piece of work may have, I think they need to be established early, to allow the reader to get their feet under the poem's table. And so, in this poem, the lack of punctuation in line 12 hit this reader quite hard, as it is an effect not used in the whole of the previous stanza. Perhaps it is your intent for the reader to experience the same surprise as the rodent? Not sure why that would be though.
Another thing that occurred to me was regards the tense in the opening stanza. I think the gerunds really slow things down and break the mood. I also agree that recipientless is a tongue twister and probably not necessary. With that in mind, I have been bold enough to offer you a suggested revision:

Fedde finished work late
Got locked out at home
Dumped the bunch of flowers
Made his way along the ginnel
Traced the latest Graffiti from Mind2010
Dodged the piss came out
On top of the Park
Past the old Tudor house

My thinking is to speed things up, really slap the reader in the face early.

Anyway, take or leave, use or lose. It's a strong draft.

B.

~

[Ros]

Enjoyed this, Stuart. Difficult always I think with this type of description to come up with a strong ending, but you have - enjoyed the play on blades and necks. And you've even got the Wheel in!

Ros

[stuartryder]

Hey, thanks for the comments folks. I've just put up a revision which I hope took on board some of your thoughts, and I think it ups the pace a bit?

Cheers

Stuart

[rushme]

it certainly does!

i think it deserves a part II!

Apart from the racy description something should happen!

[ray miller]

Bit like a computer game, Super Mario type thingy except there's no result at the end which is a bit unsatisfying really. Perhaps I'm being old-fashioned.What's a ginnel?

[Sulpicia]

The poem is the ending (maybe) - and it's pretty quick now, too!
Liked both versions.
Helen

[Ros]

What's a ginnel?

It's a twitchell

[stuartryder]

Just changed it slightly as it should be "jennel" if south Sheffield.

Stuart

[Arian]

Hi Stuart
I liked the ending, too – in fact, I liked the whole thing, especially its tumbling, slightly breathless pace. My only nit is the cityscape/ball-bearing in oil simile which doesn’t quite work for me.

I read the original, too – revision definitely slicker, in my view.
peter

[twoleftfeet]

Stuart,

Enjoyed the breathless pace of this and was impressed with:
The cityscape like ballbearings
swirling in dark oil

As Brian says, the lack of punctuation adds to the effect , especially in the "rat" line. The format of Version 2 is also
an improvement IMHO.

I was getting a great gothic Gotham City/walk on the wild-side/hoodie tearaway vibe until Fedde jumped on the bus and said "please", at which point I had to reconsider. This may be intentional on your part, but I would be inclined to omit "please" to keep the reader guessing a bit longer.

Plaudits
Geoff

[John G]

I like this - the speed of it – the total lack of punctuation adding to the immediacy of it which is also helped by the almost list like quality of it. I’m a big fan of lists and especially like the:

“The cityscape like ballbearings
swirling in dark oil
The giant wheel
The baroque town hall
The ramped roads
The bold lamps
The hospital
The university
The nascent skyscrapers
Got on the number 43”

Also the lines

“Couldn’t be sure if the rustles
Were murderers or badgers”

Lend an atmosphere of urban paranoia which creeps up on you when your in a big city late at night.

Really enjoy, right up my street

[dedalus]

Fuckin good, man ... now all you need is a rewrite: lace up these boots! Tie the knot tight.

[stuartryder]

Slightly more fractured version, any thoughts please would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Stuart

[brianedwards]

2nd version is my favourite Stuart.

B.

~