The gulf

[k-j]

yawns when you realise they really do love playing golf
and waxing
loquacious about bad wine and wailing and maybe
being a baby
about an underdone steak, and you can't utter,
re: their putter,
one syllable,
and that everything you hold dear is, to them, killable.

[brianedwards]

Not sure if I understand correctly who "they" and "them" refers to, but what I am understanding leaves quite a sour taste.
A writer friend of mine has been experimenting with voice lately, and ways of forcing readers to engage with dislikeable characters. If you're aiming for something similar here, it works.

B.

~

[k-j]

Ha! I fear the "dislikeable character" is I. That's OK though. It's a poem about my not being great at networking.

Edit: my god, you didn't think it was a poem about the Japanese, did you?

[brianedwards]

Ha! I fear the "dislikeable character" is I. That's OK though. It's a poem about my not being great at networking.

Edit: my god, you didn't think it was a poem about the Japanese, did you?

Knowing you are visiting the US, I thought it was about "Those Big Bad Americans!"

Would it hurt to clarify? Maybe use the occupation as the title? Or "Networking" and move "The gulf" to the first line?

The gulf yawns
when you realise they really do love playing golf
and waxing
etc . . .

[k-j]

Americans are generally big but not bad. No, it's a nation-neutral poem which I believe could be applied to any group. Where you find a group, there you find golf and numbheadedness...

Thanks Brian, not a bad idea. I'll see what other think.

[ray miller]

I thought this was very good, don't find the narrator dislikable at all, au contraire.I like what you've done with "waxing" and "being a baby" though not so keen on "maybe". I can imagine a golf-hating vegetarian writing this and I wish I had.

[Ros]

I didn't relate it to a particular group - such people are found everywhere, unfortunately. I thought the voice was effective, partic enjoyed the last line. Not so keen on the being a baby image - it's a bit of a cliche and didn't seem to fit as well as the other images.

Ros

[Arian]

I think the point comes across pretty clearly, though – to my ear – the first half doesn’t have the same fresh and inventive feel as the second. As Ros says, the baby image is perhaps a bit ovefamiliar and – personally – I think “waxing loquacious” has a sense of redundancy about it – don’t both words mean essentially the same thing (in this context, anyway)? Like the idea and the last 4 lines a lot, though.

cheers
peter

[brianedwards]

I'd understood the poem to be stereotyping a nation, hence dislikeable. Still, speaking in terms of "them" and "they" suggests an "us" and such language is not especially agreeable . . .
I don't play golf myself (and am non-plussed by the idea that it's possible to hate a sport!) but I am familiar with the stereotypical image. Nevertheless, I wouldn't ever claim to hold any insights into the psyche of all golfers. That would be like me declaring all vegetarians "nice" --- obviously absurd.
Stereotyping is natural, of course, but in terms of poetry, this poem would benefit greatly from spinning the spotlight back round onto the speaker. At present, the speaker comes across as too confident in his (?) own image of self.

B.

~

[ray miller]

I think it's ok to say that you hate minority sports, like dwarf-throwing. Golf is tricky 'cos though it is obviously a stupid game and most people who play it can't run very fast, they are used to walking about aimlessly for long periods and so the chances of them meeting you are that much greater.
Sometimes it's just good to pretend that you hate certain people because it's funny.

[twoleftfeet]

Hey, K-J, I like it, and sympathise!

Haven't you forgotten the relative size of the company car?
It would go well with "waxing"

I think you need to find a rhyme for "yawns" or "waxing" to make the rhyme scheme wholly consistent.

I don't hate golf per se but I think membership of the golf club and behaving like a martinet in a restaurant or killing a topic of conversation you don't like is about status and power and elitism/belonging.
I think your sense of alienation comes over really well.

Enjoyed
Geoff
"Utter/Putter" indeed

[RobertFlorey]

yawns when you realise they really do love playing golf
and waxing
loquacious about bad wine and wailing and maybe
being a baby
about an underdone steak, and you can't utter,
re: their putter,
one syllable,
and that everything you hold dear is, to them, killable.

I like this. I think I understand it.
I'm worried about who it is that yawns at the beginning.
I'm wondering who the speaker of the poem is.
I'm not sure I really care about that though.
It can always be an impersonal third party.

They like playing golf, they excoriate what they
think is bad wine, (they regard themselves as experts
on any subject that's self-indulgent), and they don't understand
what it means to be starving. They're as sensitive,
they think, as the Princess who felt the pea underneath
the many layers of mattresses, they are too delicate
to mix with the hoi polloi.

They're wealthy, they're spoiled, they have no respect
for the hard life most people have to lead, (and probably
is the source of their unearned wealth).

They are casually monstrous, and never think a thing about it.

Does that catch what you intended to say?

I hope I'm critiquing this in the way that you folks here are
used to. If not, please let me know.

[brianedwards]

I think it's ok to say that you hate minority sports, like dwarf-throwing. Golf is tricky 'cos though it is obviously a stupid game and most people who play it can't run very fast, they are used to walking about aimlessly for long periods and so the chances of them meeting you are that much greater.
Sometimes it's just good to pretend that you hate certain people because it's funny.

Nah, pretending is bullshit. Real hatred is so much more rewarding.
And for humour, try force-feeding foie gras to a veggie --- fucking hilarious watching their little beards twitch and their sandals fall off. That's real comedy.

B.

[David]

It does come off as being generic anti-Americanism, although I thought it unlikely, as it's too uncomplicated an opinion for you, I should have thought.

Again, like the playful rhyming and wayward line lengths, but this time they may just be a bit too wayward.

Cheers

David

[k-j]

Thanks all.

I'm astonished that Brian and David got a sense of "generic anti-Americanism" out of this. What is there about it that's American?

"Waxing" is an orphan line without a rhyme, I'll have to rewrite for that reason if no other.

Brian, you do make a great point about reversing the spotlight, I will think about that for the rewrite too.

[David]

I'm astonished that Brian and David got a sense of "generic anti-Americanism" out of this. What is there about it that's American?

They just sounded American to me, but perhaps that's just generic anti-Americanism on my part. I did think that last line was a reference to their lethal conviction that they are always right (or were, until the advent of OB).

[k-j]

I'm astonished that Brian and David got a sense of "generic anti-Americanism" out of this. What is there about it that's American?

They just sounded American to me, but perhaps that's just generic anti-Americanism on my part.

Ha ha. Gotcha. No, sad to relate I've met these people in more or less equal proportions everywhere I've been.

Sorry it took me so long to get back on this one, I'd wiped it from my memory.