Advent

[pglacey1]

Advent

Last night, I dreamt of monsoon rain. I dreamt the road
ran with currents of the storm. The air burned red
and sang with dust. A flood came that broke
down my door, took my car, my keys, my books, overturned
my small accessories, earrings, cash and shoes,
shattering like an army through my house.

Then dawn crept, cold and clear,
over the still hedges. My alarm began
its ordered pipe. The house stood quiet,
unshaken, unoccupied. No Armageddon came.
Nothing was proclaimed. I went to work,
came home, and slept again.

Edited to make some crucial changes, including to the title: sorry, I accidentally posted an older draft.

[Sharra]

You have some powerful images here, and a good contrast between the violence of the first stanza and the quietness of the second.

S1 I’m not sure about ‘The air burned red / and sang with dust.’ If there is so much rain a flood is breaking down your door, I’m not convinced there would be dust in the air.
I like that you’ve used specific details, but the list feels a little disjointed. We see the flood breaking down your door, then taking your car, and then back to inside the house again.
Also ‘shattering like an army’ jarred me too – I don’t feel it fits the overall feel of the poem for some reason.

S2 I liked the image of dawn creeping, ‘cold and clear’ is a little clichéd though.

Also, the line about your alarm, felt like an alarm clock going off, as you’re in the house after your dream, but then you describe the house as unoccupied.

This has a really nice feel to it, it just feels like it needs a little tweaking
Sharra
xx

[Arian]

I like s2, particularly the last four lines – an assertive rhythm and good use of half-rhyme (came/again).

But I agree with Sharra about the mix of images at the start of s1 – they seem to conflict with each other a little. I’m also not convinced by the use of “shattering” in this intransitive way. Sounds odd to me. And, just a nit – dreamt. Is that current usage? I’m not sure.

Worth working on, I think.

Cheers
peter

[ray miller]

I'd concur about "shattering", don't you need something like looting or plundering?
I like the poem, it has a nice even rhythm, I liked especially "Nothing was proclaimed." and the ordered pipe of the alarm.

[k-j]

Good rhythm.

I like the poem, I just wonder what the point of it is. You had an apocalyptic dream but it wasn't real, is that it? I think there ought to be a point.

A couple of things: "my alarm began / its ordered pipe" - alarms buzz or howl or yelp in my experience but you're lucky if yours only pipes. And I think the second part of the second verse is sort of redundant. The alarm going off tells us that you were there to hear it and nothing had happened. Which is not to say you haven't written it well, it just seems rather irrelevant.

"Cold and clear" sort of stale. The hedges, I tend to think of them as "still" by default.

I just think there's a poem here waiting for a subject. Don't worry, that happens to me all the time.

[twoleftfeet]

An interesting poem.
I thought the surreal nature of the minutiae was very dream-like:

"took my car, my keys, my books, overturned
my small accessories, earrings, cash and shoes"

"Currents of the storm" doesn't work for me - you could easily combine the first two sentences IMHO:
"I dreamt the road ran.."
Simples.

I can see how you've chosen "army" to match "unoccupied" in S2.
But "shattering like an army" (as has been mentioned) sounds odd, like the army is made of glass!? "Battering" perhaps?

Geoff

[Raine]

.

I like the theme and some of the images are very good but for me the poem is a little too wordy. In some places the information is excessive. The things the flood took for example reads like grocery list and detracts from the better quality images found in other parts of the poem.

I’m not keen on the use of ‘currants’ in line 2 (makes me think of dried fruit – sorry)

Re: ‘The air burned red and sang with dust’ I agree with what’s already been said: Too much moisture around for this line to ring true.

The repitition of 'dreampt' in the first line could be softened by using 'dreampt' and 'dreamed.'

The house cannot be described as unoccupied because at this point in the story you are still in it. Perhaps undamaged or unaltered would be better.

Something like this perhaps? :


Last night, I dreamed of monsoon rain. I dreamt the road
ran with torrents of the storm. A flood came;
broke down my door,
and took the things that I hold dear.

Then dawn crept, cold and clear,
over the still hedges. The house
stood quiet, unshaken, undamaged.
No Armageddon came. Nothing
was proclaimed. I went to work,
came home, and slept again.


.

[RobertFlorey]

Advent

Last night, I dreamt of monsoon rain. I dreamt the road
ran with currents of the storm. The air burned red
and sang with dust. A flood came that broke
down my door, took my car, my keys, my books, overturned
my small accessories, earrings, cash and shoes,
shattering like an army through my house.

Then dawn crept, cold and clear,
over the still hedges. My alarm began
its ordered pipe. The house stood quiet,
unshaken, unoccupied. No Armageddon came.
Nothing was proclaimed. I went to work,
came home, and slept again.

Edited to make some crucial changes, including to the title: sorry, I accidentally posted an older draft.

Let me see what I can guess from your content.

First, the speaker is an adult woman. She wears ear rings, she
calls what I'd call my 'junk', accessories.

She's having a frustration dream. Everything is going wrong, she's
defeated at every turn, impossible situations are ruling the day,
which explains the dust in the pouring rain, (although it is
possible to have dust if the rain isn't all that dense), and then
the question is: Why?

"My alarm began
its ordered pipe."

It isn't just an alarm. It's an 'ordered' alarm.
It is not a convenient alarm, it's a necessary, have to pay attention,
must get up and about, demanding alarm.

Why?

"I went to work,
came home, and slept again."

She's come home from a fustrating day and work, and she's about
to do it again, and again, and again, and again.

She's got an ordered clock, because she's got an ordered life:
except that her job requires her to be all things to all people,
even when some of the people are incompetent
and probably insulting to boot.

Or something similar is going on with her 'superiors'.

I'm slightly surprised that there is not a mention of a machine gun
in the poem.

Now you can tell me that I'm completely off track...

[rushme]

like the surrealistic dream-like quality of the poem.

could be tightened - line-breaks adjusted

otherwise reads rather well

like the contrasting chaos of the 1st stanza with the stifling mundane monotony of the 2nd.

quite swept away by the stormy currents of the poem as well as your comments - robert.

that's quite a psycho-anaylitic probe addressing more the 'soul' of the poem - than the 'body'

the peeling of the layers to get to the hard core of the centre - the shinning gem as it were hidden beneath the layers of words, metaphors, etc. waiting to be discovered.

All the ploys - that we employ - the discovery is the thing! really liked your critique! personally for me that would be a very satisfying critique!

the anaylisis of the dream - quite fascinating! perhaps the person feels entrapped in a kind of mundane monotony.

when the monsoons break in india the air actually burns red & sings with dust - a great sound & light show follows with thunder & lightning - it's like a heavenly release!

enjoyed the poem!

[pglacey1]

Thanks, everyone, for the comments. They're very helpful. I'll try to sharpen this up in revision. Clearly, I need to revisit the dust image, and the army one, and to clarify the theme of this: perhaps I should reread the Book of Revelation before attempting another poem about Advent!