Threadbare

[ray miller]

The colour of hunger
is dry and yellow;
a skin stretched taut
and a mouth too wide
for her teeth.
Ironical smiles
merely taste bitter,
brittle leaves breaking
meander and flutter;
clothes which once fit her
shrug from the shoulders,
shimmy and plummet
to a threadbare carpet
redolent of vomit.
In the mirror naked
her eyes are blinkered,
a tunnel vision
of limelight receding,
drowning and sunken.
Fruit is withered,
blistered and shrunken;
easily bruised,
no longer bleeding.

[David]

Good stuff, Ray. Lots of strong phrases. The rhyming seems to come and go in an unpredictable manner, but the rhyming bits work really well. In the end, though, I couldn't get the subject of your poem clear in my mind. There are a number of possible candidates, and I think on balance I'd plump for some close relation of Edna the Inebriate Woman, but it could be clearer.

This is grammatical pedantry to the utmost, but I'm not sure a semicolon is required at the end of L2.

Cheers

David

[twoleftfeet]

Good stuff, Ray. Lots of strong phrases. The rhyming seems to come and go in an unpredictable manner, but the rhyming bits work really well. In the end..

The same could be said for the rhythm, Ray.
It keeps threatening to break into a canter but never makes it , which (conversely) makes it work!

I'm torn between an alcoholic and a drug addict.

What inspired this one, mate - the morning shave?

[Ros]

I'm thinking it's an anorexic here, possibly an actress (limelight?). It is good. Not sure what the leaves are a metaphor for. Ironic or ironical? Not sure which is right.

Ros

[ray miller]

I didn't think the subject matter was particularly obscure, but then I would say that.It is about anorexia, one female in particular, who was in the limelight, as Ros says, though I've known a few "sufferers" personally and professionally. I was actually thinking, when David and Geoff were guessing wrong, that ladies were more likely to discern the subject matter.
I'm not sure about the semicolon, either, David.
Geoff, torn between an alcoholic and a drug addict? Try a rum and coke.
Ros, I suppose ironic and ironical mean the same thing, don't they? The leaves are a metaphor for hair, which does become brittle and fall out at a certain stage of anorexia.

[Lovely]

It does flow well. But where do you go with it? Get deep please.

Poetry is pointless without depth. Get deep. Anything else says small if at all.


Get deep you guys. Please stop this crazy shallow writes......please

[Ros]

Relax, lovely. Felt pretty deep to me. Deeper than discredited theories about Atlantis, anyway.

[Lovely]

How do i get it over?

Get deep, please get deep. if you want to be a poet.........get deep. Get deep! Get deep!

Please do not say silly words to me. How me this how me that. Please give me depth

Please. if you need help here I will help you always...........you know me

[bodkin]

Hi Ray,

For this is bulimic anorexia, yes?

I thought this was a nice terse examination of the subject and not pulling its punches.

I took the "no longer bleeding" to refer to how menstruation will stop in a starving woman? I'm not sure about easily bruising, but I imagine that can be a symptom of almost any condition which hugely reduces the health of the whole body?

HTH

Ian

[ray miller]

Lovely, I don't exactly know what you mean by deep. I wrote the poem in a particular style for good reasons. I can assure you it's not intended to be shallow or flippant. If you mean it isn't florid and lyrical and doesn't draw conclusions, I'd agree, that's how I want it.

bodkin,thanks, yes, bulimia, anorexia. The skin does become easily bruised and menstruation ceases. But without getting too "deep", easily bruised, no longer bleeding refers to psychological as well as physical experiences. How we might opt for certain pains in order to avoid others.

[Raine]

I think this is very good, my only problem is one of tense in the following extract:

'clothes which once fit her
shrug from the shoulders,'


I read thorugh the piece twice and stumbled at this point both times. Perhaps change 'fit her' to 'fitted' ? If they used to fit her then the moment your discribing is in the past and consequently needs a past tense. Sorry to be picky, I don't bother unless I think the write is a particulary good one

[ray miller]

Raine, thank you. For me "fit" can be past tense, but would this be better?
clothes which had fit her
shrug from the shoulders"?

[Raine]

Yes, I reckon that would fix it but to be honest I still prefer 'fitted' and it allows the retention of the word 'once' which I think is important. If your determined to keep the word 'her' you could always substitute it for 'the' in the following line.

'clothes which once fitted
shrug from her shoulders'

What do you think ?

[ray miller]

Well, I want to keep "fit her" to go with bitter and flutter but also, inexplicably, I don't like the word "fitted"!

[bodkin]

After some searching in the internet, I think fit is correct. There is a distinction between whether the verb is active or passive:

He fitted me for the suit. -- active

The suit fit me perfectly. -- passive

The case is further complicated by fit being used as a noun with almost identical meaning:

The suit was a perfect fit.

And in its -ing form as an adjective

The best fitting suit...

or a gerund:

I went for a fitting.

--

But there may be regional or dialect preferences for different usage, or even UK/US differences.

I would leave it as it is

Ian

[twoleftfeet]

Raine, thank you. For me "fit" can be past tense,

You are right, Ray.
Although if you perform it , it will sound like "fitter" unless you stress the "h" in "her" (Impossible for me )
Howzabout "used to fit her" ?

[Raine]

Well, I want to keep "fit her" to go with bitter and flutter but also, inexplicably, I don't like the word "fitted"!

Well that's good enough reason for me It's mostly just personal preference at the end of the day and it's a very good poem either way.

[ray miller]

Thanks, Ian. I'd have never thought of looking on the internet!

Geoff, perform this! Nah.Have to be a very thin audience!

Raine, thanks again.

[stuartryder]

Hi Ray

My immediate impression on reading this were that I thought "ironical" spoiled all the concreteness of the images before and after it. It's unnecessary, at least.

Then too, I was put in mind of two cultural references which you may or may not have intended:

1. "4st 7lb" by Manic Street Preachers
2. The personification of Hunger by Ovid in Metamorphoses (Book 8? - It's been a while)

You might look into those as ancient and modern paradigms of graphic descriptions of anorexia.

Cheers

Stuart

The colour of hunger
is dry and yellow;
a skin stretched taut
and a mouth too wide
for her teeth.
Ironical smiles
merely taste bitter,
brittle leaves breaking
meander and flutter;
clothes which once fit her
shrug from the shoulders,
shimmy and plummet
to a threadbare carpet
redolent of vomit.
In the mirror naked
her eyes are blinkered,
a tunnel vision
of limelight receding,
drowning and sunken.
Fruit is withered,
blistered and shrunken;
easily bruised,
no longer bleeding.

[dedalus]

This is excellent, Ray. Very very good indeed. The only quibble might be that the colour of hunger is not "dry and yellow" -- unless when viewed from the outside -- rather, it is a heightened perception of almost psychedelic reds and greens and blues, esp. after the fifth day.

Bren

[ray miller]

Stuart, thanks.I see what you mean about "ironical", it was meant as a bit of a play on words, iron deficiency being a result of anorexia. But perhaps not a very good play on words!
I wasn't aware of the Manic Street Preachers song. I looked up the lyrics and I was impressed, though I'm not a great fan of theirs.I read the relevant part of Metamorphoses also. "instead of a stomach she had only a place for one" very good, isn't it?

Bren, thanks. I am, at that point anyway, writing about what can be observed. Yes, I've been told of the hallucinations, I think that monks used to whip themselves to achieve the same sort of effect.

[David]

Bren, thanks. I am, at that point anyway, writing about what can be observed. Yes, I've been told of the hallucinations, I think that monks used to whip themselves to achieve the same sort of effect.

I think I've read that a lot of medieval religious visions may have been due to near-starvation and, sometimes, bread that'd gone off, thereby acquiring psychedelic properties. (Or, as SuperTed would have it, special powers.)

[dedalus]

Brilliant! Scrounge out the old bread, kick off the rats, let's smoke the fucker and all get high. Medieval -- or mediaeval, as you will -- MF hippies? Don't think so. Sure as hell they were up to something: everybody always is, was, and long after we're dead and gone, will be. Bread, though?

It's simple: you starve youself and you get high. After a month or so, you die. No need for little assistances along the way. Try it ... well, seven days or so. It's cheaper than buying dope. Think of the savings on food.