Genghis Khan in Love
"Yes, let us drink and drink and drink
and bathe, and then when we awake
to find our camp ablaze and guards
slaughtered, horses either dead or dust
and villagers butchered all about us,
still we'll bathe and drink and drink
and what if when our tent is sliced
and sun is thrown like acid in our faces,
our faces drunk and drunk and then they
find you drinking from Mount Ararat, still
we'll drink and bathe and drink and drink."
~
Genghis Khan in Love
-
brianedwards
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 5375
- Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Japan
- Contact:
-
Bombadil
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2672
- Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 6:38 pm
- Location: The hills are my home, the mountains where I roam.
- Contact:
"horses either dead or dust" Great line.
I'm not sure, but maybe the rhythm of the piece could be improved by replacing many of the conjunctions and filler words (and, while, still, yet) with some judiciously applied punctuation?
Worth a look, perhaps.
Also, I'm not sure I like "ablaze."
Cheers,
Keith
I'm not sure, but maybe the rhythm of the piece could be improved by replacing many of the conjunctions and filler words (and, while, still, yet) with some judiciously applied punctuation?
Worth a look, perhaps.
Also, I'm not sure I like "ablaze."
Cheers,
Keith
I only ever had but one prayer to God, that was: "O, Lord, make my enemies ridiculous." And he granted it.--Voltaire
-
brianedwards
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 5375
- Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Japan
- Contact:
Thanks Keith.
Will think on ablaze, see how it feels in a coupla days.
I'm using the fillers to punctuate here, quite important for my own ear.
But I'm always listening.
B.
~
Will think on ablaze, see how it feels in a coupla days.
I'm using the fillers to punctuate here, quite important for my own ear.
But I'm always listening.
B.
~