Glass fruit

[Mic]

The bathroom store over the road
is run by swingers, reveals
the lady from the flower shop;

tugging another crimson petal
from an over-plucked tulip

she crosses the Dials
where, from the corner of her eye, she spies
some acrobatic coupling

which brings to mind the chandelier
in her living room, crafted from glass fruit—
its strength untried.



Orginal:-

The bathroom store over the road
is run by swingers, reveals
the lady from the flower shop;

tugging another crimson petal
from an over-plucked tulip

she crosses the Dials
where, from the corner of her eye, she spies

some acrobatic coupling

which brings to mind the chandelier
in her living room-- crafted from glass fruit
(its strength untried)-- and she recalls

how much she cried last night

as she watched the crescent moon
cradle her ripening heart.

[Lorelei]

Mic,

It's hard to get a sense of exactly what this poem is about. Maybe it's just me, but it was hard to follow. I think you could tighten the form up a bit to help with this.

In S1, L2 and L3 interrupt the flow. "reveals/ the lady from the flower shop" comes off a little too scientific, I think.

I really liked S2 and S7. The unusual imagery really works for you here. Very nice.

-Lorelei

[Bombadil]

Mic,

That last stanza is an ass-kicker. Wonderfully done.

I think a bit more could be done with the swingers...that is, more could be done to draw out the dichotomy you seem to be working for. As it stands right now, it seems that the chandelier (untested though it may be) exists only for a kitschy kind of laugh. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I think the rest of the poem's mood--which comprises the more powerful portion--is incongruent with it.

Cheers,

K.

[brianedwards]

First read Michaela, I am blown away. Could be the best I've read from you yet. Wonderful.

Will be back.

B.

~

[Mic]

Thanks Lorelei, I'm glad some of that imagery worked for you! On form, it started out tighter, and for some reason I felt it needed 'loosening' up a little. It is never easy to judge, but my instinct settled on this 'layout'.

Hi K. Thanks. I wonder if part of the way this one tries to work is in the unexpected mood change...the juxtaposed moods? I don't know. I usually agonise for hours, scrabbling around for ideas for the next line of the poem, deliberating over how to create a certain effect. This one seemed to just drop onto the page almost as it appears. I'm not sure if I could expand on or re-work elements of it. I will give more thought to your suggestion though.

Brian - thank you!

Michaela

[Elphin]

Mic

This has strong elements but I need to go out on a limb to say I thought the last three lines fell over into pathos/sentimentality. I think the power in this poem would be to end it on its strength untried. That would have the originality of expression that I dont think the current ending has and would make this a poem different from others. That line to me expresses loneliness, lack of adventure, want etc.

Can I also suggest that the opening stanzas should be regular in length, echoing the apparent formality of the flower shop lady and then loosen up with the acrobatic couplings and the its strength untried lines.

These are just my impressions- I am enjoying your work of late.

elph

[k-j]

Excellent poem and I fully agree with Elphin. Make the ending "in her living room -- crafted from glass fruit, / its strength untried." "How much she cried last night" is awkward because how do you quantify crying? it seems to be saying she cried x pints last night... The moon / heart image is too abstract for me and a bit mills and boony, too.

But the rest of it is very good. Perhaps "from the corner of her eye" is a bit stale? The chandelier / glass fruit image is wonderful, especially as it makes a silent pun on "swinging".

It's an affecting poem that just steps over the line into mawkishness at the end.

[Mic]

Dear elph and k-j - thanks both for candid appraisals. I've implemented your suggestions. Does it work, I wonder... Truth is I can't really tell anymore!

[Elphin]

Mic

I think it does - very much so. See what others think - more importantly let it rest and see what you think.

elph

[brianedwards]

Good points regarding the ending Michaela, it was on the sentimental side. Personally I thought it worked, as self-pity is by nature mawkish. The new ending is wry and engaging, but it leaves me cold, suggesting as it does that the woman's needs are purely sexual --- and quite kinky at that.
I'd vote for an extra stanza that fleshes out her loneliness in an emotional sense. Or consider moving the current S2 down to the end, maybe add a line. . . some kind of action that acts as metaphor? I'm thinking at the screen here . . . Good advice from Elph about leaving it a couple of days.

B.

~

[Mic]

Thanks for some good suggestions Brian. And yes, I am in agreement with the general feeling that the ending is a bit slushy. But I'm a bit stuck about what to do next, so, I am going to compost this for a while.

Michaela

[brianedwards]

Still thinking on this one Michaela?

B.

[bodkin]

Just one thing puzzling me here...

what are "the Dials", is it an address somewhere, or a piece of florist's equipment...?