Corrosion (revised again)

[Arian]

Good stuff, Ros - I particularly like the rhythm and flowing assonances of the last half of S2. They say a sign of a true artist is knowing when to stop - I'd say now was about right! Glad you stuck with the original title.
peter

[Sharra]

I like this better too Ros - good stuff
Sharra
xx

[bodkin]

I still prefer "regression" as a title. I lends a specific meaning to the tense twisting in the second strophe...

but I also whole heartedly endorse the idea of knowing when to stop editing. Sometimes is is worth pushing the edits too far and then compare the overdone version with the original so you can carefully position yourself between the two...

[Suzanne]

Ros,
Just stopped back and see you have been busy with this one! Very nice. I like the final version very much.
Great job.

Suzanne

[peterkiggin]

everyones a critic bar me.

[brianedwards]

Ros,
I've been reluctant to comment on this , having read it several times, as it seems to be clicking for so many other readers. You have taken something of a risk with the temporal elements of the piece, which I applaud, but then the mention of love is so dreadfully leaden it kills the whole poem right there. And I know you are going to insist on how that line is absolutely essential to your intent, but I'm left feeling like I'm stood in a cathedral and the centrepiece is a fibre optic Christmas tree.

Sorry . . . .

B.

~

[Ros]

Brian,
I hope it's flashing red, white and blue, very quickly, in a particularly garish fashion!
It's not essential - well, the meaning maybe, but not the way it's put. I've been wondering about it myself as it made me cringe a little when I rewrote it, which cannot be a good sign. So thanks for saying it.

Ros