Lilyism

[dedalus]

I don't want to, really. Don't be an idiot, Ray ... How to Lose Friends Immediately: Write Comments On Their Poems! Why do you think I've been keeping my head down and moaning at length about crit requirements?

That said, let's have a go at ya ....

Lily wakes up prematurely --------------------- "early" ... why prematurely? indicates st that doesn't happen
make-up, lipstick, powder nose ............... commas help

Lily pads and prowls the lounge
pirouettes expensive toes ................... 'delightful', or 'her sexy'? -- why expensive?

Lily looks askance at laundry
socks and knickers decompose ............. right on!

Lily puts her records on
harmonising talent shows ...................... OK, just about: how about 'improving on the'

Lily practises her smile ......................... 'works upon'
wearing pantomimic clothes ................... 'wears a wardrobe full of clothes'

Lily taps and points her feet
at the apostolic rows ........................... nope! cut this stanza: apostolic?? Is she fucking a bishop?

Lily snaps her fingers and ........................ weak 'and'; Lily snaps her fingers, snap!
the lads adopt a slavish pose ................... 'boys' -- the lads are serious blokes

Lily disses little sister
scratches hisses bruised egos ................... this bit adds nothing; CUT!

Lily chats on MSN
emoticonic overdose ............................. 'emoticonic'?? -- 'toothy, gleaming' or some such

Lily is beside herself
third person singular she goes ................ yes, well, of course, as in "She". CUT

So now you're pissed. Slightly annoyed, anyway: what the fuck'd you expect? I told you I'd rather write bleedin poems and dodge the bricks and stones and eggs and cabbages people throw at me than do the same to others. I hate doing crits on other people's work!!! Anyway, this is what I think I would do if I were responsible for this poem. You asked, you got. There's a lot of good stuff you've got going there. I just wish you hadn't used my mother's nickname!

Slán anois,
Bren

[ray miller]

Oh Bren, you don't really think I'd be offended by that, do you? Those are just the kind of things we should be saying to each other. I'm much harder on myself than you are!
Anyway: "prematurely" for the rhythm, and rhythm is king.Lily doesn't speak in commas.
expensive is what her toes are. I've paid for these ballet lessons.
harmonies are what she does well, though thinking about it, maybe "harmonises talent shows" is better.

"works upon"her smile I like, and I'll put it in. she's been in a few pantomimes, hence the clothes.
apostolic in the sense of disciples, followers, she has a trail of lads in her wake when she gets back from school, but I'm not convinced by apostolic either.
I like snap! Yes! round here the boys are lads.
little sister would be upset if I cut her out of the poem.
everybody likes emoticonic except you!
The last couplet is a nod at Lily's habit of referring to herself in the third person e.g. Lily would like her dinner now. Lily wondered if she might have an advance on this week's pocket money...

So what's brought on this burst of activity, Brendan? Thanks for your time.

Best Wishes, Ray

[stuartryder]

Heheh, and I was thinking Lily Allen... sorry!

Like the form, the couplets are very humorous and altogether it has a gentle but snappy feel. Nice.

Stuart

[dedalus]

So what's brought on this burst of activity, Brendan?

Guilt, pure and simple. I've been so remiss about posting comments. I fuckin hate it! At least you don't seem terminally cold and angry ... now let's have a look at the others.

Cheers, Bren

[ray miller]

Ah, Bren, so you're just being a good Catholic.

Stuart, thanks, yeah, I can see that Lily Allen would tick a few boxes.

[Ros]

This is one for the IBPC

Ros

[David]

This is one for the IBPC

It is, so it is. Too good for them, probably, but we shall see.

[Elphin]

I have to say Ray probably my favourite of yours to date - works in respect of both content and poetic form for me.

cheers

elph

[ray miller]

Thank you Elphin and Ros and David. It was one of the easiest poems to write, almost wrote itself. Perhaps therein is a lesson.

[Raine]

You wouldn’t believe how pleased I am to have inadvertently stumbled upon this gem. Being new to the forum sees me reluctant to point out fault. Here I can find none worthy of mention – which lets off the hook to a massive degree.

[ray miller]

Ooh, Raine, what a nice thing to say. You can come again, thank you.