A World Away (revised)

[David]

You can always do with another lick of paint, eh? Am I right? Maybe not, actually, but ...

Yes, it's a good thing you've got here. Let me apply another unnecessary coat. (I second that emulsion.)

I prefer the previous version of verse 3. The weaving and the wading made it more of a journey - brief, but not effortless.

On the other hand, I think verse 4 is better now, although I'm not sure about "safe" - I know this is a retreat, but "safe" just sounds a little passive to me.

Verse 5 is better now as well. The last two lines resonate and chime perfectly with the preceding ones.

I still like the opening lines of the previous version of the last verse. Too many subclauses in the latest version. And (apostrophe police notice), it's its not it's. But a great ending, and "town" is better than "community".

Cheers

David

[Travis]

Thank you all for your insights, some of which will prove extremely helpful when I take another stab at this. But for now I'm letting it die as I can't seem to get anywhere with the bloody thing. Just didn't want to appear as though I were ignoring your efforts.

Again, thanks. I'll revisit it when I can.