Gone - (first verse moved to last + extra line)

[Gene van Troyer]

How about moving that line as suggested below?

My mother was told
in the hospital ward
that she must rest.
She just grew cold
and never got dressed.

[TDF]

Inclined to agree with David, barrie. I'm not sure the new line does it. I think maybe it reinforces my earlier point... but i don't think I like the disruption to the flow of Gene's idea tbh.

Could you maybe try something like:

In the hospital ward

I was told
my mother should rest
But she just grew cold
and never got dressed.

just a thought.
Hope you can find the key.

Tom

[barrie]

Thanks Gene and Tom for your suggestions - I think my best bet would be to just omit the last verse and leave it at that.

It's taking a long time to land this one, but don't cut your line yet.

- I'll give it a lot of slack and use the rod rest while I eat me butties.

cheers all.

Barrie

[Gene van Troyer]

Thanks Gene and Tom for your suggestions - I think my best bet would be to just omit the last verse and leave it at that.

It's taking a long time to land this one, but don't cut your line yet.

- I'll give it a lot of slack and use the rod rest while I eat me butties.

There is a balance with that last verse present. On the other hand, perhaps the balance is perceived only because the verse was there in the first place. If it had not been present, we might not be having this part of the discussion...

[thoke]

Pretty good, but I'm not sure that the hospital ward line adds anything.

I like the image of the elusive breath stepping aside for death.

A suggestion for you to take or leave: Maybe combine the first two lines about the mother so that they have roughly the same metre as the first line about the father:

My mother was told that she must rest.
She just grew cold
and never got dressed.

Then the shorter lines come as a surprise, and the verse sounds appropriately barren.

[oranggunung]

Barrie

I think this is excellent in both sentiment and construction.
There were two aspects that drew my attention; I'm not sure if they’re nits.

1. Repetition of “that” in S2.

I spent the night beside his bed
in wait for that elusive breath
which stands aside
and lets in Death.

Is there any benefit in seeking alternatives?
I like the idea of the "standing aside" so much, I’d be tempted to give it its own line (is that too theatrical?).


2. The last couplet:

She just grew cold
and never got dressed.

Being the denouement, it feels like this couplet should be separated more deliberately from the rest of the stanza (a hyphen or semi-colon perhaps). The rhythm of the final line irritates my metric sense, but I’m sure I shouldn’t be so sensitive to these things.

pithy pathos


og

[barrie]

Gene, Thoke & og
Thanks for the suggestions, I think there's a lot left to consider about this. For a poem that was meant to be simple, it's become quite complicated. It's one to dwell over, see if I can pull it together a little more convincingly. The more I look at it at present, the more I can see two incomplete poems.

cheers

Barrie