Stranger trades

[Nigel]

The adverts page
has a section for swapping
the unwanted for the needed.

One man, at the end of his tether
with his professional tattoo kit
(includes High Quality Practice Skin)

desires an air rifle.
Under the shadows of trees
a bleeding heart festooned

with the Chinese sign for happiness
is caught in the sights
of a Custom Carbine.


Having read your explanation of the poem (a poem fails to communicate the poet's intention if it needs explanation, which is not to say that it doesn't communicate of course) I find there's something wrong with the tense in the penultimate line. Despite the fact that, as you imply yourself 'bleeding heart' is a cliche, its latent meaning is lost if it's still in the gun's sights on the basis that the gun hasn't been fired yet. That wonderful line '(includes High Quality Practice Skin)' has set up an expectation from which you seem to back off in the final stanza. I think to get round it you might consider dropping the word 'bleeding'. That way you re-introduce the understated menace you are perhaps looking for and remove the cliche. Now you have quite a successful imagist poem I believe which I like. 'at the end of his tether' is also weak. I'm sure you could some up with a more imaginative way of expressing that. I do however like the definite articles in the first line - they effect a suggestion of humanity as in 'the wife'.

[Ros]

Hi Nigel, Welcome aboard! I was using bleeding heart more as a general comment on what I considered the rather sad situation of the buyer and seller, not the bleeding after being shot, so that's why the tense is as it is. Your suggestion does add a further dimension, though. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

[BenJohnson]

Ben, movement sounds good. Since there's such confusion I may try that. Why would anyone shoot practice skin?

I took it from the poem that he was at the end of his tether with the tattoo kit which included the practice skin. Maybe he couldn't draw, maybe the practice skin was rubbish, therefore he had nailed it to a tree for target practice with his new air rifle, it is what I would do (rather than shoot an ex-customer) and I guess the reason why I read it that way.

Judging by the amount of discussion on this one I guess this one is making us think though

[Ros]

Interesting idea, Ben. I suppose a tattoo artist who couldn't draw would be in trouble. Yes, at least the poem is attracting attention

Do I get some sort of prize for the longest thread?

[amergin]

Hi Ros. Found you!
This poem has a surreal quality. The advert wanting the bizarre swap engages the imagination and zap! I mean who wants to get rid of his tatoo set and replace it with an air rifle. Who is this man? What is his life like that this is normal for him. I can see where the imagination can chase this. Well done. Arthur

[dedalus]

Yess!! I wouldn't change a word of this. It has a dull-eyed relentless drive ... borne out by the elliptical storyline ...starting off with the "unwanted for the needed". Be polite, of course. But stay with what you've got!

-- dedalus

[Ros]

Hello Arthur, glad you decided to join. I think you'll find the natives are friendly. The advert certainly struck me as surreal! Glad you enjoyed it.

Why, dedalus, you are too kind. I may fiddle a bit, but I'll keep this version anyway.