Re: Stranger trades
Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 8:24 pm
The adverts page
has a section for swapping
the unwanted for the needed.
One man, at the end of his tether
with his professional tattoo kit
(includes High Quality Practice Skin)
desires an air rifle.
Under the shadows of trees
a bleeding heart festooned
with the Chinese sign for happiness
is caught in the sights
of a Custom Carbine.
Having read your explanation of the poem (a poem fails to communicate the poet's intention if it needs explanation, which is not to say that it doesn't communicate of course) I find there's something wrong with the tense in the penultimate line. Despite the fact that, as you imply yourself 'bleeding heart' is a cliche, its latent meaning is lost if it's still in the gun's sights on the basis that the gun hasn't been fired yet. That wonderful line '(includes High Quality Practice Skin)' has set up an expectation from which you seem to back off in the final stanza. I think to get round it you might consider dropping the word 'bleeding'. That way you re-introduce the understated menace you are perhaps looking for and remove the cliche. Now you have quite a successful imagist poem I believe which I like. 'at the end of his tether' is also weak. I'm sure you could some up with a more imaginative way of expressing that. I do however like the definite articles in the first line - they effect a suggestion of humanity as in 'the wife'.
has a section for swapping
the unwanted for the needed.
One man, at the end of his tether
with his professional tattoo kit
(includes High Quality Practice Skin)
desires an air rifle.
Under the shadows of trees
a bleeding heart festooned
with the Chinese sign for happiness
is caught in the sights
of a Custom Carbine.
Having read your explanation of the poem (a poem fails to communicate the poet's intention if it needs explanation, which is not to say that it doesn't communicate of course) I find there's something wrong with the tense in the penultimate line. Despite the fact that, as you imply yourself 'bleeding heart' is a cliche, its latent meaning is lost if it's still in the gun's sights on the basis that the gun hasn't been fired yet. That wonderful line '(includes High Quality Practice Skin)' has set up an expectation from which you seem to back off in the final stanza. I think to get round it you might consider dropping the word 'bleeding'. That way you re-introduce the understated menace you are perhaps looking for and remove the cliche. Now you have quite a successful imagist poem I believe which I like. 'at the end of his tether' is also weak. I'm sure you could some up with a more imaginative way of expressing that. I do however like the definite articles in the first line - they effect a suggestion of humanity as in 'the wife'.