f*ck 'em all (swear word)

[didi dave]

fuck 'em all

Take my hand and i'll guide you through a life thats not worth living
take pride in what isnt yours,
a city not worth loving
like an island adrift in the fens,
a drop off point for the hopeless and lost
try and protect my innocent one,
a kamakazee mission coming apart at the ends
stand over my shoulder and forgive me what i feel i had to do,
stand tall!
and ill guide you through
what i call a quest called fuck em all!

[brianedwards]

Hi dave,

I'm afraid I find this very amateurish and not up to the standard required for the Experienced board. Arbitrary use of emotive language does not a poem make, and as a reader I find myself completely unable to engage with the poem on any level.

I am of the opinion that a poem should never need explanation and to be honest, your notes do nothing to really affect my reading. In fact, if anything, knowing the poem is "about" such a painful experience actually makes me dislike it more! Sorry!

I hope you continue to post your work, but perhaps you might be better suited to the Beginner's board for a while.

Regards.

B.

[didi dave]

i think your right about the notes brian, so i took them out i haven't a clue what 'Arbitrary use of emotive language' means though to be honest i like the poem myself, regardless of it being my own work i still think its good but thanks for the post

[Sharra]

Hi didi
I could really feel the emotion behind this, which is a good thing, however it feels very much like a first draft, or outpouring. I didn't read this before you removed the note, but from Brian's comment I can guess that this was about something particularly difficult in your life - this could be why it isn't as tight as it needs to be.

I think you have a couple of interesting lines in there, I liked take pride in what isnt yours and stand over my shoulder and forgive me but the rest did feel over emotive for me.

As Brian says, you may feel that posting on Beginners for a while could be good for you, the crits aren't so harsh and you're less likely to run away screaming from us all.
Thanks for sharing
Sharra
xx

[ray miller]

Well I quite liked it but you do have a lot of excess you could discard. How about something like:

Take my hand and i'll guide you
through a life that's not worth living
take pride in what isn't yours,
a city not worth loving
an island adrift in the fens
a drop off point for the hopeless
stand over my shoulder
and i'll guide you through
a kamikaze mission
coming apart at the ends....

[didi dave]

thanks for the posts people it was about an extremely difficult period in my life, if you want the truth, an abortion. its kind of giving the reasons why i went through with it (wanting to protect him/her from a really bad world ('the city not worth loving', being peterborough where im from) and my regrets about it but thanks for the constructive crit

just as a pointer, alot of my poems are rather depressing you could say, i'm a natural pessimist, much like Hardy and 'dead man walking'