Poetry Forum

Preparation

I’m putting on this tie in preparation
For the dinner we were meant to have
Three months sooner, that I left
Hanging, late again.

Soon we’ll eat and talk and wonder
What we could have been if we’d been
Prompter, bolder, less like ourselves.
More like one another.

We'll get along as we both want something,
Though we can’t yet put our fingers on it,
But there won’t be love.
There isn’t time.

After that, contagious desperation will take you,
Then me, and in my arms you’ll sense
The resonant creaking from my joints, hinging
Universes beyond potential, but

Through abundant freedom in motion
All that could have been will simply slip
From the surface of our lives,
Onto the cutting room floor.

We’re already hearing the footsteps, quicker,
Numbered day following numbered night.
There won’t be love.
There isn’t time.

I think I’ll leave the tie.

Original

I’m putting on my tie in preparation
For the dinner we were meant to have
Three months sooner, that I left
Hanging, late again.

Soon we’ll eat and talk and wonder:
What could we have been if we’d been
Prompter, bolder, less like ourselves,
More like one another?

We get along and we both want something,
Though we can’t yet put our fingers on it,
But there won’t be love.
There isn’t time.

After that, contagious desperation will take you,
Then me and in my arms you’ll sense
The resonant creaking in my joints, hinging
Universes beyond potential, but

Through abundant freedom in motion
All that could have been will simply slip
From the surface of our lives,
Onto the cutting room floor.

We’re already hearing the footsteps, quicker,
Numbered day following numbered night.
There won’t be love.
There isn’t time.

I think I’ll leave the tie.

Phil

This feels quite stiff-upper-lipped; a dinner engagement that might easily be too awkward to attend. With that in mind, I sense bravery, as well as regret here; an interesting combination.


Unfortunately, this starts off like “Top Hat, White Tie and Tails”:

I’m putting on my top hat …

The descriptive style doesn’t feel right. Someone help me out with my tenses, but the current version of present tense isn’t working for me.


We get along and we both want something,

Shouldn’t this be “We’ll get along …”? That seems more consistent with


But there won’t be love.

That’s a very interesting line, btw. Cosmic irony, perhaps? It sidesteps the issue of lust, too, which leaves the reader musing (or possibly even amused).


Then me and in my arms you’ll sense
The resonant creaking in my joints, hinging

Would suggest a couple of little fine tunings here:

A comma after “me” for flow (“will take you … and in my arms”).
Replace “creaking in” with “creaking of”, to avoid close repetition.


Universes beyond potential, but

The “but” looks rather like a hinge, itself. Is it possible to round off S4 and start S5 with a new sentence? There’s a lot going on here, and the ideas and clauses are getting a bit chaotic. That might mean rejigging the start of S5, but would mean you could do away with the comma after “lives”.


I think I’ll leave the tie.

I like this tragic(omic) ending; neatly wrapping up the imagined vignette. The whole thing lacks punch, maybe, but makes up for it with bites and stings.


neatly done

og

oranggunung wrote:Phil

This feels quite stiff-upper-lipped; a dinner engagement that might easily be too awkward to attend. With that in mind, I sense bravery, as well as regret here; an interesting combination.


Unfortunately, this starts off like “Top Hat, White Tie and Tails”:

I’m putting on my top hat …

The descriptive style doesn’t feel right. Someone help me out with my tenses, but the current version of present tense isn’t working for me.


We get along and we both want something,

Shouldn’t this be “We’ll get along …”? That seems more consistent with


But there won’t be love.

That’s a very interesting line, btw. Cosmic irony, perhaps? It sidesteps the issue of lust, too, which leaves the reader musing (or possibly even amused).


Then me and in my arms you’ll sense
The resonant creaking in my joints, hinging

Would suggest a couple of little fine tunings here:

A comma after “me” for flow (“will take you … and in my arms”).
Replace “creaking in” with “creaking of”, to avoid close repetition.


Universes beyond potential, but

The “but” looks rather like a hinge, itself. Is it possible to round off S4 and start S5 with a new sentence? There’s a lot going on here, and the ideas and clauses are getting a bit chaotic. That might mean rejigging the start of S5, but would mean you could do away with the comma after “lives”.


I think I’ll leave the tie.

I like this tragic(omic) ending; neatly wrapping up the imagined vignette. The whole thing lacks punch, maybe, but makes up for it with bites and stings.


neatly done

og

Thanks og!

I see what you mean, and I'll attend to those changes now.

I can't say "take you in my arms" because I feel it creates a romance that shouldn't be there.

I'll give some thought to the first line too!

Thanks for the help!

I liked this very much except I think it's spoilt by verses 4 and 5, where much of the rhythm is lost and the language becomes more opaque. I think in the first three verses you've a very good poem.

Line 6 maybe "what we'd be if we had been..."

Thanks Ray

I'll have a think about that!