Fireflies

[Helen Bywater]

He was about to offer
of his own accord.
You spoke quickly, interrupting,
refusing for both of us,
and touched a raw nerve.
A struck match
flared, stooped to light
a slow fuse, still burning.

Containing it, I watch
its trail, focussed on
a glowing point that disappears
into darkness.
A cloud of fireflies bursts
from the top of my head,
spiralling out and upward
into the vast blue.

[ray miller]

Hello Helen, I enjoyed this, would've done so more if there were more specifics, but I guess that's not what you intended. The part I liked best was "Containing it, I watch its trail..." which manages to get across that the slow fuse is both within you and being suppressed. I liked the ending also, leaving things up in the air, so to speak. I thought "snuffed out by an unseen hand" was a bit naff.

[Helen Bywater]

Hi Ray. Thanks for the feedback. I didn't intend it to be specific, as you guessed - it's just homing in on an emotional reaction. This is one of some old poems I've been reworking, but I'd hardly touched this one. Now you point it out, that line is weak, and completely unnecessary, as you get the idea of the glowing point fading away from the previous line. I'll just remove it. Thanks for your help.

[ray miller]

What people generally do is either just edit the original version or write the edited version above the original. If I were you I'd just edit the original as it's only one line.

[Helen Bywater]

Thanks, Ray. I thought if I used the "post reply" at the top it would appear at the top. I see you can't delete posts, so it's there twice now. Oh well.

[stuartryder]

Hi Helen

One in-line crit below. Generally a bluesy poem and a little cliche in parts - see my post under "Burning" thread on cliches.

Thing is here, for a story to succeed despite cliche, the plot and characters have to be exceptional in order to carry the language. I think you have a good story but it isn't exceptional - but with some original and striking imagery, it could be!

The closing image is way the best.

Cheers

Stuart

He was about to offer
of his own accord.
You spoke quickly, interrupting,
refusing for both of us,
and touched a raw nerve.
An angry match [I wonder if you need "angry" as it is implied by the rawness in the preceding line.]
flared, stooped to light
a slow fuse, still burning.

Containing it, I watch
its trail, focussed on
a glowing point that disappears
into darkness.
A cloud of fireflies bursts
from the top of my head,
spiralling out and upward
into the vast blue.

[Sharra]

I've deleted the extra post for you Helen

Sharra
x

[Helen Bywater]

Thanks, Sharra.

[Helen Bywater]

Thanks for your advice, Stuart. "An angry match" was intended to have the double meaning of a potential contest of wills that might have flared up, but on reflection I've decided "A struck match" is stronger. I can't think of any more original or striking images for the first part at present. I'll have to mull it over. It's always felt to me like a poem of two distinct parts that don't quite gel. Some people prefer the first part, perhaps because it's about real emotion as opposed to suppressed emotion, but I prefer the ending myself.

Thanks again.

[Sharra]

Hi Helen
I think you have some nice images here, my favourite is the last image, which feels really original.
I wonder about You spoke quickly, interrupting,/ refusing for both of us, I don’t think you need all the words. Interrupting seems to carry speaking quickly. So what about just ‘you interrupted, refused for both of us’ ?

An angry match
flared, stooped to light
a slow fuse, still burning

.

At present this section reads that the match stooped to light the fuse, which I’m sure isn’t what you mean. I’m also not sure about the whole match and slow fuse image as this feels a little predictable.

I do like the end section about the fireflies though, and the way the poem opens up to the vast blue

Thanks for the read
Sharra
xx

[Helen Bywater]

Hi Sharra,

Thanks for your comments. Actually, I did mean the match/fuse thing the way it reads - anger that flared up, but had to be suppressed and internalised, which "lit" a trail of resentful thoughts that could have led to a later outburst. I thought that was one thing that had worked! I know "slow fuse" is a cliche, though. The "spoke quickly, interrupting" thing was meant to imply that he'd interrupted before I had a chance to accept. That obviously hasn't come across. Perhaps it's not essential to know that - the anger could have been just about someone speaking for me, but people tend not to be as angry about someone speaking for them if what that person says is in accord with what they want. There's plenty of food for thought. I think I might leave this and come back to it.

Cheers,
Helen